You know this column is popular when a girl who’s asked to pose for it throws down all her belongings and becomes a perfect oil painting of a superhero. Comments/Enlarge |
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Leather jackets are the best way to ride out that 20-to-25 part of your life where you’re getting shitfaced almost every night. They’re good for fights, they don’t tear when you roll down stairs as a joke, and they make good blankets but, like cocaine, you have to give them up after 30. Comments/Enlarge |
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LITERARY Running with Scissors and Dry,Merz to Emi...
I don’t care if it’s real. Blonde chicks make you think of porn and Northern Europe and surfing and basically everything else that’s good about white people. Comments/Enlarge |
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DOS & DON'TS
Could you have more shit hanging off your purse, please? No, I’m serious (you’re in the DOs). Having a ton of shit on your face or on some crazy hat is a distracting pain in the ass but when you’re dressed in some plain old Joe’s Jeans and a shirt your purse is a removable reminder that you could go bananas if you wanted—you’re just not that worried about it.
Got a goiter? Me too. Don’t sit at home feeling sorry for yourself. Get out there and use it to criticize America’s aggressive foreign policy. When people gasp in horror it creates a vacuum that you can then use to sneak information in. This guy’s just taking that premise and multiplying it by 1,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000.
When you walk around in fur you are usually wearing about 40 dead animals. That’s for pussies. Walk around in WWII spats and you’re wearing an accessory that 60 million people died wearing. Beat that!
Why is everyone so worried about Muslim kids coming to our schools and touching everybody? Sure they have rags on their heads and say “alak bak marak alak lak” but check out the sunglasses and the funny T-shirt. If these guys are so anti-American why do they chug Pepsi like it’s Allah’s tears and read Rolling Stone like it’s the Koran? Huh? Lay off!
Of course the ones that hate them kind of look cool too. It’s like Sharp skins vs. Nazi skins. They both look great because they’re both really heavily into a thing.
Am I the only one getting hard thinking about this hairy little bitch? Look at those shoes! Can you imagine those next to your ears as you just plowed into her tiny little cat vagina? You could be grabbing her perfectly round pink tits (they protrude out of the fur kind of like a gorilla chest) and she’d be batting her eyelashes and puckering her lips like the dirty little slut that she is. What a tease!
Speaking of cute alerts: Hello!
I overheard the girl on the left go, “I love pink too,” and then the old lady goes, “It suits us old people,” and then the girl goes, “No, it looks good on all women.” And I liked it so much I thought to myself, “It’s official: I’m a fag.”
If you are a scary badass that murders people for a living it’s smart to juxtapose it with something soft and kind. Spanish and black gangsters like to use prints of gigantic Warner Bros. characters on maternity wear, but us white guys have to resort to some queer phrase like “Nervously Curious” heat-sealed onto a woman’s workout shirt.
Compare that stupid hat nerd couple in the DON’Ts with these treasures. They’re like an 80s office party with less stupid glasses and more great records.
I don’t care if she dresses him, by the way. That’s not being whipped. That’s called “having sex with your stylist.”
Or these two people. Could our ads work any less on them, please? They’re like the previous two because they both... wait a minute. THESE ARE THE SAME PEOPLE. We were sent this couple on two separate occasions by two separate photographers. This is a first. I don’t know what’s blowing me away more: the fact that we have photographers everywhere or the fact that these guys look perfect every time they go out.
