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| Did this guy not get the memo? We already banned that thing where you let your bushy hair grow long and then hold it back with some kind of headband or hair thing. It’s especially hard to take on white dudes. Now, wiggers with “Cheddar” on their shirts throwing up gang signs... dude, you are about to come full circle and become amazing. |
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Who gave nerds credit cards? Jesus Christ. What happened to the glasses days where they dressed like IBM employees and basically shit their pants if you asked them for a light? Now their penchant for investment-broker rockabilly swing and Cyndi Lauper Scottish sluts is thrust up into our shit like a computer virus. It’s going to be really weird giving a 35-year-old a wedgie but they leave us no choice. |
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| We thought it would be kind of funny if we put a pair of sunglasses on a piece of dog shit and put it in the DON’Ts but as we were taking the picture it went “dudleloodelloop” and magically grew into a fucking person! We were like, “What the fuck!?” and this life-size shit guy just goes, “What’s up?” |
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Hey Batfag, where were you when Siegfried and Roy were having their faces bitten off? Or when Gianni Versace got killed by that hustler? What were you doing, battling AIDS? Don’t take on a title if you can’t handle the responsibility it entails. No matter how totally fucking amazing it looks. |
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| Fuck you, bitch. A simple “No” would suffice. In the old days when you kicked it to a girl on the train she would be flattered but politely decline. She recognized that being hit on means we think you’re pretty. Now they do this. WTF? |
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| It’s pretty bad getting your tips frosted but holy shit, dude. Have some shame. This chief was sitting outside of a women’s hair salon casually having a smoke and waiting for his L’Oreal Super Blondissima to take. Why don’t you grab a six-pack and get a pedi while you’re at it? |
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These kids are so cliché with the “Jack Daniels and Chucks” shtick they look like they bought rock ‘n’ roll costumes from the drugstore for Halloween. I asked them if they got any cool candy this year and they said it was going bad because nobody got their costumes. “We’re supposed to be Israelis trying to get laid in L.A.” |
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| It’s great when guys dance in sport sandals because you get to see exactly how their feet contort with each particular step. It’s like having x-ray vision. Right as you’re taking that in you notice the steel bracelets and ultra-positive attitude and next thing you know your whole body feels like it’s covered in itching powder. |
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There’s “Girls Gone Wild” and then there’s “Girls Doing What Guys Would Do if They Could Be Girls for an Hour Gone Wild.” It’s like, “Hey you guys check out my new tits ha ha ha” and “Hey look at me. I’m eating out Todd and he’s a chick. Aaah ha ha.” When they get back to normal the “girl” in the background is going to be really uncomfortable with how much fun “she” had. |
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| The problem with a tattoo that says both “fuck you” and “kiss my ass” is that, in order to give the fuck-you finger an ass, you have to turn it around—pointing inward. Which then makes it “kiss my ass” and “I can go fuck myself” at the same time. |
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Um, if you have an ass the size of a baby’s cunt you might not want to base your entire outfit on it. |
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| My gang walked up to this guy and we were all laughing and going, “Well well, what do we have here? Huh, Mr. Pajama Capes?” and then my boy Rico pulled a switchblade on him and got all up in his face and said, “We talking to you, boyee” and then WOOOMF he leaped out of his seat with a staff and it was all BANG! POW! WHAM! and he was knocking our weapons into the air and tripping us up, making us accidentally punch each other and then he just swooshed out the subway doors and into the night, leaving us all on the floor of the train groaning and holding our heads and saying shit like, “Whoa... what happened?” |
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