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| Prepare to die with your boots on, fuckface. What is that anyways? "I'm a shitkicking badass that won't hesitate to stomp you to the ground like the tiny little bitch that you are HOWEVER my knees need to breathe and if it's hot out I'm going to have to bust out the shorts while I order my burrito, sorry." |
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It's weird to step out of the inner sanctum of the New York Post and face the fact that the rest of the world sees the Iraq war as an episode of Happy Days where bin Laden is The Fonz. They all wear t-shirts like this and mill around Tunisia making Valentine's jokes |
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| Okay, lads, whoa. This is getting a little out of control. We don't want you to have to sneak into after-hours bars with lesbians as your fake dates the way you did in the 50s, but public handjobs? Can we swing the pendulum back a tiny bit please? Even the head of Act Up! is like, "Um, we may want to try to pull the dicks out of our mouths for a second and say something other than ‘Got any poppers?"" |
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Back in the anti-metrosexual 70s the world was so Saturday Night Fever meets Welcome Back Kotter that "looking cool" basically meant acting like a greasy, overweight rapist who was obsessed with himself. Guy, that was THIRTY years ago. |
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| Diversity and the global village and blah blah blah is nice and everything, but have you ever been to Russia? This is what you'd be like if you went there. Your odd pint of Guinness is nothing compared to their endless rivers of vodka. Similarly, these guys are not adjusting that well from a sip of rice wine to 15 Alabama Slammas. Booze is the hardest part of assimilation and these niggas just don't got the enzymes. |
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Combine that with this Western feminist compulsion to party just as hard as the big boys and you have someone that is both passed out AND puking and pissing herself. |
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| What the fuck is this cacophony? A "girls kick butt" wifebeater in the center of a broomball pre-pubescent slut winter wonderland. I wonder if these middle American virgins that come to Vegas know that they look like an 11-year-old drag queen told them what to wear. |
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Remember that wigger phase where you wore oversized pajamas and thought you were blowing the world's mind by dating a black chick? Imagine you got frozen in that phase forever and didn't realize it until you were basically a Grandwigger? Fuck would I ever laugh at you. |
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| Montreal's war on English has been so successful that you have these secluded "Jouers" (players) that have no idea what "TOUCH IT, Available, SEX, BITCH, SEXY ASS SLUT, Slut, STAY SINGLE. BAD ASS MOTHERFUCKER, SEX" means (that's literally a transcription of the back). |
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"I know you're looking at my tits and wondering if they're silicone free. Well, they are!" Way to embrace the lamest part of my brain and advertise it back to me. Why don't you just get a shirt that says, "You might beat off about hate-fucking me later if you're feeling lazy and can't think of anything better." |
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| Dude, did you not hear Chris Rock talk about "the old guy at the club?" Is staring at the asses of girls you'll never get really worth a 48-hour hangover? You've had three decades to indulge yourself. It's time to go invent things and pass bills and save the Western world and stuff. |
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Despite what the earth goddesses want you to believe, menstruating is not really a sexy time. Your body just spent 28 days making a house for a baby to move into. Nobody moved in so it has to dismantle the whole thing (walls and all) and have the refuse seep out of your vagina. It's not making us barf or anything but it's not exactly a "flash the gash" moment either. |
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