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2001 NATIONAL LEAGUE DIVISION SERIES BAT
“This is the actual home run bat used by Andruw Jones in game five of the 2001 NLDS. You can even see the part where the ball hit the bat. It’s right there by the ‘s’ of ‘Jones.’ (Click to enlarge)
“I’m sure it’s worth a lot of money to somebody out there.
I had it insured for $20,000. Sometimes when I look at it I think how stupid it is that I have it sitting there right by the unlocked window of my fifth-floor apartment on the southeast corner of Fifth and A. Again, that’s the southeast corner of Fifth and A on the fifth floor. There’s a fire escape that leads up to it, too.”
DAVID CROSS
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BUBBLE BAT
This bat has gum balls in it, but it’s also really handy for carrying drugs on a plane. That’s one great thing about 9/11, BTW. They’re so worried about carpet cutters and lighters, they no longer give a shit what drugs you might be hiding.
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TWO-BALL IRON MACE
“I bought this online for $125. After I got it me and my buddy Dan went and bought some cantaloupes to practice on. I accidentally nailed Dan at one point and he had a huge welt on his arm. If the tips weren’t dulled it would have done way more damage.”
BILL COX |
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SKULL ASHTRAYS
“Smoking was cool in the 1950s, then everyone realized it kills more than all other drugs combined so it was banned, but now it’s for people that don’t care if they’re dying. The whole world is a smoke-free zone because apparently secondhand smoke is killing everyone. It is? As Taki Theodoracopulos pointed out, if secondhand smoke in bars is so dangerous, where are all the angry mothers of dead bartenders? The truth is there’s no evidence that secondhand smoke is dangerous.
“So now everybody has to go outside to smoke so they can wake up all the local residents and get the bar’s owner deeper in debt with ridiculous fines. Look, I don’t smoke, but if people want to die, let them die and mind your own business about it. That’s what’s so great about skull ashtrays. They’re for people that are proud to be dying. That’s why I collect them.”
KARA RIDGES
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SKULL LIGHTER
“Following the ashtray tip, I get the feeling this lighter is supposed to trip me out about smoking, which, as I said, I don’t. So whenever I’m using it to smoke pot I tell it, ‘Relax, guy, it’s a joint’ and he mellows out a bit.”
KARA RIDGES
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DOLLAR RING
Making origami rings out of dollar bills is really easy to do (google “one dollar bill rings”) and it shows the other chicks in your class that you have cash.
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BIG DALLY
Unlike this cheap piece of shit that is actually worth more like $1.80 but all it says is that you are constantly late and can’t speak English. |
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