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BULLETPROOF VEST
We bought this from an Israeli for $250 after receiving about 100 death threats in a row, including one that had gunshots going off in the background. The guy we got it from had bought it from an undercover cop for a full $500, and it came with all these stains on it, which means the guy must have worn it forever, including summers, which must have been brutal because the thing is boiling. It can only stop handguns, though, so if you’re coming to kill us focus on rifles or automatic weapons.
Check the Vice Photo Blog at viceland.com to see us shooting interns in it.
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RETARD PILLS
If you came here tonight to get started, to cold act ill or get retarded, but you want to raise the bar to, like, Rosie O’Donnell retarded, you basically need to OD on these.
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VISOR SUNGLASSES
We got these in South Korea and they’re called “Victime.” They have special lights on the inside that zip around but still allow you to see. It’s really distracting if you’re not stoned, but after a few hits it’s like you’re the mayor of Cartoon Town and walking down the street becomes a “laughing your head off” adventure.
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WEE BUDS
One of the few great things about being ensconced in Puerto Ricanness is these tiny beers they brought us. They’re always cold and fresh, and at two bucks a pop you don’t even notice you’ve had about 15.
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MY TEETH
“When I was 11 years old, I fell off the monkey bars and smashed out all my front teeth. It was pretty traumatizing, and to this day all my front teeth are fake. These are the casts they used to make my new teeth and they mean a lot to me. I think it was sort of the end of me being a kid.”
SAM FRANK
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MONKEY PEACH PIT
“When my grandfather died, one of the only things he left me was this, a monkey carved from a peach pit that his brother Tom made him. He wore it on his key chain for about 50 years, so I wear it on my key chain now.”
JERRY MCPHEERSON
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HEIDI KLUM’S FAT FREE CANDIES
Sorry Heidi, but nobody is willing to take advice from a woman that just gave birth to the most hideous dying monkey ever seen. You’re out. When Kate Moss got caught doing coke, advertisers could be vocal about why they dumped her. All Heidi’s sponsors can say is, “Um, we’re going to see other models for a while. We need our freedom. It’s not her. It’s us.”
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SANTA DILDO
Mole from Windy City Heat gave us this. I guess dildos look like toys so kids don’t get it when they find them, but what if they do get it? How’s that for the end of believing in Santa Claus?
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