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DELICATE ADVENTURES
[toke] “So what happened with you and Jessica last night? Did you guys get up to some [exhale] delicate adventures?”
[on the ground dying laughing] Holy shit. Are you kidding me? Did you just make that up? (And a term is born that lasts the rest of their lives.)
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SUBCOMANDANTE
MARCOS DOLL
This is how some of the poorest people in the Northern Hemisphere fund a rebellion against the Mexican army and the federal police: They sell dolls of their leader to gringo tourists on the side of dirt roads, along with papayas, watermelon, and string cheese.
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SKAG
In the UK a skag is a wee bit of heroin. That’s why you have to use this book when you’re high and you think you just had a stroke of brown genius. You didn’t. Bloodbath and Beyond is not the most genius band name ever thought of. |
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THE TOTO CHLOE BIDET SEAT
“I bought Adam Carolla one of these because he kept saying wiping his ass was ‘like getting peanut butter out of a shag carpet.’ He swears by it.”
JIMMY KIMMEL
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PRO DOPE
Sure an unexpected dose could kill you, but if you stick to really tiny bumps and you don’t have an addictive personality, is it so bad? Just you and a friend or two listening to records all blissed out? If you can keep it to once a year, why the fuck not?
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MINI DICKMANN’S
If you’re dating a guy with a really tiny dick and you really like him but you’re worried about never having satisfying sex ever again, just go for the butt every once in a while. As you can see here, it’s not really that different.
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PINK NIPPLE CREAM
What kind of fucking howe mowe gives a flying fuck what color women’s nipples are? |
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BARPING
When you’re really hungover and you start having these huge burps that come from so deep inside you it’s like “BAARP!” that means your hangover is starting to end. It means your body is starting to digest things again. Every time that happens, hold your finger in the air and go, “Consequential burp.” It’s the thing to do. |
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