Boots with shorts reminds us of when we were little kids and we’d dress up as pirates with wooden swords and paper hats, only, without the part where Mike Reid lost his shit and stabbed Sandy Ross in the eyes with an old broom (her actual eyeballs were bleeding). Comments/Enlarge |
See all
When we made our third wish “To make Goofy a real guy,” we were kind of bummed to see it happen. Then he goes, “What did you expect? Goofy’s a fucking idiot,” and that changed it all around. Comments/Enlarge |
See all
Dude, keep holding on to her and don’t let go for the rest of your life. She is about seven miles out of your league and you are never going to have tits like that in your mouth ever again (ever).Comments/Enlarge |
See all
HERE COME THE REGULARS
Hundreds of Things, Objects, Doodads, and Stuffs
We started a new column called Tidbits back in October of 1996 because the magazine was getting so negative that we needed to balance it out with “A Monthly Look at the Things We Love.” Of the 869 we’ve run since then, 144 have been actual things that we do truly love (like Gold Bond Medicated Powder and Adderall) and the remaining 725 have just been weirdo products with funny names that we end up making fun of, which kind of brings us back to the “too negative” conundrum—whoopth!
We’re not complaining, though. Running a column like this increases the fun factor of opening the mail by about 300 percent. Every time we get an envelope, it’s some mind-blowing item that you hold in your hand and think, “Could the manufacturers not have googled Butter Faces before spending $3 million marketing a cream that means ‘ugly women with good bodies’?” Are you and I the only people in the world that have a clue?
The majority of Tidbits we get are things we’ve never seen before, but for some reason there are five we get every month no matter what. They are: Barfy Burgers (or Barfy soap), Smack Ramen noodles, Cock Soup (or other cock products), Pussy Air Freshener, and anything made by the Mexican bread company Bimbo. This is the last time we are going to feature these guys ever because they are piling up around the office attracting mice and we have really bad allergies and the mouse droppings are making it almost impossible to breathe in here. All right? That’s enough.
COCK SOUP When we first started getting this in the mail we lived in Quebec and weren’t so blown away by the fact that French people were selling rooster (coq) soup. Then we moved to New York and readers started sending us the American version. Apparently Jamaicans love the taste of cock, too. No wonder the Quebecois always call themselves the “niggers of Canada.”
PUSSY INCENSE These are made in Thailand, and every flavor they have has a hot chick on the box except this one. The scents are made by chemists in California, so you know they know that pussy also means “pussy.” Now somebody needs to tell them that unless you’re really horny, pussies don’t smell that great.
SMACK SNACKS The people at Smack finally got onto a very popular supercomputer called “the internet” and discovered Smack means heroin. They are now called Snack. We asked them who finally clued them in, and a spokesperson coldly explained this “soft transition” was "due to legal and cultural concerns.”
BARFY We contacted this Argentine beef company back in 2002 to ask them if they knew what barf was. Soon after they had a giant recall. We were really proud of ourselves until we found out the recall was ordered by the Secretariat of Public Health after a few fatal food poisonings.
BIMBO There are actually two Hispanic commercial bakeries that don’t know Bimbo means “dumb blond woman that gives great blow jobs but is murder to have dinner with.” One is from Barcelona and the other is Mexican. The Mexican one is funnier because it’s named after a bear the owner’s wife designed after she misinterpreted the Italian word bambino. Ha ha. What a stupid whore.
To win your free subscription to Vice, send tidbits to:
VICE Magazine, 97 North 10th Street, Suite 202, Brooklyn, NY 11211, USA
