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If this was Saturday Night in Miami her voice woud be sawing your ear in half with its Fran Drescheresque howl for two more cranberry cosmotinis. Thankfully for your cochlea it was Thursday in Culver City and all she was after was another quiet round of shots. Comments/Enlarge | See all



I hope to God she stays goth her whole life, but something tells me that as soon as they let Wednesday Addams-Benítez out of the house on her own, she’s going to turn into a cop. (PS: She’s, like, seven and she’s wearing an upside-down cross on a chain around her neck.) Comments/Enlarge | See all







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KEITH WARREN
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The average video-game player is thirty-fucking-four years old. Every other generation had a career and a family by then. Get your shit together, us! We’re basically the explosive diarrhea generation. Comments/Enlarge | See all




GAMES

Shadow The Hedgehog, Brothers In Arms: Earned In Blood, Peter Jackson's King Kong



Shadow The Hedgehog
Sega
PS2, Xbox
Genre: Platform

The doctor told me to stop playing computer games in 1999 because he said a lot of the games brought on my epilepsy and I’d just blackout if the graphics got too freaky. I could always tell if I was going to have a fit, it’s like a sixth sense, so I’d always turn the computer off in case my parents came in and caught me playing. This is the first game I’ve played in six years and it felt just like old times, only faster and brighter. I feel okay too.

KEITH WARREN
Brothers In Arms: Earned In Blood
Ubisoft
PS2, Xbox
Genre: War

The Germans get slyer and slyer with each new improved edition of this game and harder to kill. So much so that I spent around eight hours straight chasing two Nazis on motorbikes through the ruins of some minor Belgian town. It was super-realistic and by the end I was knackered, zoned out. I know that sounds like some terrible homoerotic fantasy but it really happened.

FRUITY MCGINTY
Peter Jackson’s King Kong
Ubisoft
PS2, Xbox
Genre: Monkey business

Who would win in a fight between King Kong and T-Rex? My money’s on the giant gorilla. Have you seen the dinosaur’s arms? Puny girl arms that are totally out of proportion to the rest of his body. I mean, palaeontologists don’t even have any real proof that this guy even ate meat, let alone liked to kill his prey. Let’s hope Peter Jackson’s King Kong is better than that Godzilla piece of shit anyway.

SYRUP DAVIES

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