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On a scale of 1 to 10, how scary is a Chicago cop dressed up as an incredibly fragile momma’s boy who gets whatever he wants?
Stop tinkling in your pants you guys, this is serious. |
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| What the fuck is going on? Are cops so desperate to shoot us that they now prance around town begging to be fucked with? OK, fine, you win, we’re pointing at you and laughing our heads off. Go ahead and get all fierce you Fat Fuck Diva! |
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Yo checke it out everybowdy! Posh Robbie and Superstar Nikki are here all de way from Yeurope. Do you want to make party wif dem? All riiiiiight! Awe kaye, just let him finish dat organic carrot juice shake so he can shit out de hash he brought and den we can all listen to trance in our bare feet. All right you guys? Come owne! It’s totally ov de fucking chains you niggers!
What? What’s wrong? |
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| Having a foot fetish is low, but making it public is way lower because you’re making it known to the world that you are so deep beneath the sand that you’re basically cold and clammy. Now, having a public foot fetish in O.R. scrubs with a jizz stain on the crotch is so beyond low it’s reached that mythical status where big sisters give their siblings nightmares by pretending you live under the bed. Congratulations, Carl, you are such a fucking pig tiny strangers are crying themselves to sleep. |
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| What the fuck is this asshole trying to tell us? He’s combined “I love women’s asses” with “You do too, and hey, while you’re down there why not stare at my ass? Imagine if I had a beautiful ass? Would you like that? Have a good stare at all the asses.” |
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| So that’s what happens when Miami strippers have kids and get old—nothing. They still dress like drunk “Bratz” and they still make you wake up swearing TO GOD you will never get that wasted again. |
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| It’s OK if you’re beating off and imagining a city of horny sluts with “addicted to fucking” shirts texting you in the hopes that you may be available for a blowjob, but the second you’re done and you’re lying there with splooge on your belly this girl needs to vanish back into the mental Rolodex where she belongs. |
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| If you want to tell the world that pot is God’s gift to man this winter, please be smart about it and keep warm. Instead of an irreverent t-shirt, carefully embroider your message on a Gore-Tex Patagonia pullover that zips up all cozy just like Bubbe wished it would. |
