CHRIS NIERATKO'S TIDBITSA Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Tidbits Issue
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MAMMY LABEL
I don’t even know what product this label is from. I just bought it because it reminded me of my friend Clyde’s sense of humor. He may be the funniest kid I know. He’ll say shit like, “Want to see a funny picture of me?” Then he’ll point to a picture of a monkey. The guy at the flea market I bought this from was also selling armbands from dead concentration camps, but he told me they were $100 apiece. I said, “They aren’t worth that kind of money.” I think he misunderstood what I meant because he started yelling at me about the plight of the imprisoned Jews, saying that I didn’t think his people’s lives were worth $100. I was like, “What the fuck are you talking about? I just meant you can find them cheaper on eBay, asshole.”
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NAPKIN DRAWING
I drew this picture of me and my wife at my brother’s bar while drinking Guinness. I guess you had to be there.
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MOVING VIOLATIONS
I’ve been waiting 20 years for them to release this movie on DVD. This is the sleeper comedy of the 80s starring none other than Bill Murray’s little brother John Murray. Who? Who cares? He’s awesome. And there’s this little old lady who can’t see who takes a piss sitting in a men’s urinal and says, “Why’s my back all wet?” This is perhaps the best movie ever.
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AA COINS
I got these coins when the court required that I attend AA meetings for drinking and driving. One side says, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” It all made me laugh. AA is just another form of dependency. On the flip side it says, “Keep coming back.” I went once and never returned. I did try to slip these into a soda machine, but they didn’t fit.
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ANTIHERO BEER HIDER THING
I don’t even know what these things are called, but you know what I’m talking about. They wrap around your beer and make it look like a coke. How awesome is that? Especially when you’re 12?
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SHUT STICKER
When I was a kid, Shut Skateboards were the coolest boards on earth. Fags rode Boner Brigades boards, but tough kids had Shut decks. Now they’re back and they are going to fuck shit up.
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CANADIAN DOCUMENT
Canada wouldn’t let me in unless I bought this work visa for $150 because my criminal record was too long. They also said I couldn’t come back for five years. What’s up with Canada?
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EIGHTH GRADE DIPLOMA
This is very important to me because it was the highest level in school I ever achieved. I am, in fact, a high school dropout. Notice how my confirmation name is Xavier. I chose it because I was super into the X-Men. And my mom wouldn’t let me pick Adolf.
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BLACK ALTAR BOY
When I was in fifth grade, they gave everyone in my Catholic school altar boys to write our name on and then hang in the hallway. I colored mine in black and they refused to hang it up. Actually, they called my parents and I got suspended for a week. I guess my school was racist. |
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