I was so wasted I needed to be carried home and I asked these guys if they would do it and they said, “Sure,” and I said “Bullshit,” (I was wasted) and they showed me some card of a guy who carried baby Christ across a river and I was like, “OK, OK, I got it,” and fell into their arms. Comments/Enlarge |
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Willy the Vampire Slayer here knows that it’s not just garlic that nightwalkers fear. A greasy, matted fake fur jacket that looks like my grandmother’s carpet is also anathema to the undead.Comments/Enlarge |
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This guy looks so much like a French cartoon he makes you want to grab a Gillott 170 pen nib and start the first issue of Monsieur LeCrab. Comments/Enlarge |
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When I was in sixth grade, we had this Yorkshire terrier. He would hump anything. Couch pillows, stuffed animals, your leg. We could not get over laughing at him.
I was playing with the dog one day. I had a piece of paper balled up, and I got the idea to put it in my underwear. I wanted him to go down on me. He did.
Whenever I was home alone I would get him to go down on me. I wasn't into that it was a dog.
I did it in my bed, squatting in my closet, and under my mom's bed. I did it mostly when she wasn't there, but I remember once she was. It was the afternoon and she was on the telephone right above me and the dog.
After a while my mom and my sister knew what was going on. So I turned sneaky. I rinsed the dog's nose off after, so he didn't smell. When his snout was wet, he had a little French-guy mustache. It made me sick.
My sister moved away and the dog went with her. He got all these teeth infections and ultimately died while being put under to have something done to his mouth.
Time to debunk a myth once and for all: Jews don't fuck through a hole in a sheet. This BS may stem from an undergarment that Hasidic men wear called a Tallit. It's a poncho, but Jewish. When laid out flat, it looks like a sheet with a hole in it. Supposedly, gentiles would see these things on laundry lines in Jewish neighborhoods and draw their own perverted conclusions.
Ancient Jewish law says couples should be naked when doing it because then they feel "powerful emotions awaked when the body is caused to tingle by contact with another body." Eww, "tingle."
According to Bracha Rudner, a rebbetzin (rabbi's wife) and expert on Taharot Hamishpacha (laws of family purity), "It's written in the Ketubah (Jewish wedding contract) that a man must have relations with his wife even if she's post-menopausal and even during pregnancy."
The Talmud says that men have to ensure that their wife has an orgasm. There are even detailed guidelines about the required frequency of sex. "The times for conjugal duty prescribed in the Torah are: for men of independence, every day; for laborers, twice a week; for ass-drivers, once a week; for camel-drivers, once in 30 days; for sailors, once in six months. These are the rulings of Rabbi Eliezer." Hear that, ass-drivers? You are required by Talmudic law to fuck weekly.
KELLY AMNER
Scientists in India have invented a liquid drug, Kamagra Oral Jelly, that makes Viagra feel like a baby aspirin.
Available from coke dealers in London at 100mg for £5, it comes in mint, orange, or pineapple flavor.
I took an entire sachet of pineapple at 10:30 PM on a Wednesday. I'd fucked my girlfriend four hours previously and I had the flu, so the odds of getting an erection were low.
Yet 30 minutes in, my head started throbbing, my face went red, and my dick started getting hard. I told my girl it was her duty to test my cock out, and because she only gets fucked about three times a week maximum, she complied.
I'm delighted to say that my dick got so inhumanly hard that I fucked her for one-and-a-half hours straight, or however long it was that the Eminem documentary I was watching over her shoulder took to play out.
Then she fell asleep. I stayed up for four more hours playing PlayStation with the worst headache ever.
The next day yielded a couple of unprompted, painful boners, which made it really hard to take a sit-down shit in the morning. Still, my girlfriend's been really mellow for hours, so I'd definitely think about taking Kamagra again.
Scientists in India have invented a liquid drug, Kamagra Oral Jelly, that makes Viagra feel like a baby aspirin. 