The very first time I masturbated was probably the most shameful day of my life. I was eleven and my parents had left me home alone for the afternoon. I had all this energy and I didn't know why. I rode my bike to this construction site and wandered around kicking over stacks of 2x4s and throwing rocks. I picked up this big piece of sheet rock and threw it down onto a spray paint can, which split and covered me in fluorescent pink paint. I ran home to listen to Magic Carpet Ride by Steppenwolf half a dozen times then proceeded to burn rolled up pieces of newspaper in the kitchen sink. The house got smoky so I opened all the windows and sprayed pot-pouri deodorizer through the house. I was like a static bundle of energy and I just had no idea what to do with myself.
So, of course, I headed down to my older brother's room in the basement and went straight for his porn stash. This wasn't the first time I'd done this, in fact I'd seen these magazines hundreds of times but never quite knew what to do with myself afterwards. Today was different. I marched up to the bathroom and drew a hot bath. I sat in the tub with my proud little boner and a fist covered in moisturizer and let the hand I hold the mic with take control. It's as if it was an innate skill. I knew what to do, and I did it. I did it until my legs felt like they were going to shoot off my body. My heart pounded and my whole body went blotchy and red. It was fantastic. For the first time I was completely relaxed. Max chill. When you're a kid you run around and scream and yell like an idiot because you're sexually frustrated. Then one day you do it, you jerk off and you have a whole new understanding of life. I knew a guy in high school who never masturbated and so he wrote murder mystery plays about Snoopy. That kind of shit is truly strange. You're not completely adjusted unless you've jerked off. Until then you're just a weird little freak with too much time on his hands.
My parents came home to a crime scene. The doors were unlocked, all the windows were open, the house smelled like flowers, there was ash in the kitchen sink, the bath was spilling over and their eleven year old son was passed out on his bed half naked. In their minds on that day I had been smoking drugs or drinking their booze or some other terrible shit. In reality I had just lit small fires in the kitchen sink and jerked off. That ain't terrible shit. That's cool.
SEBASTIEN GRAINGER
You can shake hands with Sebastien from Canada's Death From Above 1979 when they play their Australian shows. Thursday 24th Feb at The Zoo in Brisbane, Friday 25th Feb at @ Newtown in Sydney and Saturday 26th Feb at Ding Dong in Melbourne.
