ME SO HORNY

Let's just put it this way…a friend of a friend of a buddy of a pal of ours is a soldier in Iraq. He is utterly in the thick of it. "In the shit," as they say. We can't tell you his name or what branch he's with, but we can show you his photographs. Since this is 2005 and he is an American male, he has a digi-camera always at the ready. Only, instead of shooting his friends puking outside the bar or his girlfriend on vacay in Aruba, our man in the Middle East is getting flicks of Iraqis with their faces exploded. After checking out his latest work, we had only one question…

VICE: So, what's the pussy sitch over there?

Soldier X: Are you kidding me? Did you see my pictures?

Yeah, yeah. They're supes gross. But tell me about Iraqi snapper—do they have huge bushes? I always figured they would.

I am sitting here waiting for the next rocket attack. Literally. I'm not really thinking about girls.

It always looked like one of the best parts of Vietnam was all the whores. Those girls were 18-year-old virgins giving it up for a tin of C-rations. Don't tell me it hasn't crossed your mind!

You know what? I have to go. Don't write to me again.

OK, well…good luck, I guess.

Fuck you.

JAMES FLUCK