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Why do we get so turned on when we see a girl with fingers in her mouth? Is it because they resemble a bunch of skinny little dicks? Oh, so we all secretly want girls to get gangbanged by 12-year-old boys? Nice brain, us.
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Sorry but when model types get nude and wear oversized sunglasses they just look like rich cunts.
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VICE FASHION - BITE ME
Photos by Adrian Mesko
PHOTOS BY NAOMI FISHER
Naomi is an artist who lives and works in...
HOW TO FUCK A STRIPPER
And Still Have Money in Your Pocket
DRESS THE PART!
Gangs and Cults by Design






GAYS OR GIRLS?
Slobbing the Knob for Science
TIDBITS
A monthly look at things we love - v12n1
ME SO HORNY
Can You Say "BJ" in Iraqi?
DOS & DON'TS
It's wrong to judge gays. You don't know ...



There are certain Eurotrash accessories that just can’t get across the Atlantic Ocean. Those Tae Kwon Do zip-up jackets made it over and so did skintight sneakers that look like you painted laces and stripes on your socks, but thanks to some strong support from the Minutemen, the “get my Ashkenazi Jewfro out of my face” elastic hairbands have barely made it past Portugal.
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LANDING A MAN

What Do You Do?







Interviews by Melissa Burgos and Pegah Farahmand Photos by Tim Barber


Jillian: "I drink four vodka on the rocks and start dancing on the bar. It works every time. I'm just naturally magnetic." Miho: "I can't explain. I am stylish. Drinking. I came here three days ago." Haley: "I act nice and make myself look like a slut. They seem to like that."

Deborah: "I'm friendly and consistent and loyal. I stick to my word or I don't give it. It's worked, I've had trusting relationships." Nicole: "I ignore them. The cat-and-mouse chase never fails. Everyone likes a challenge." Natalie: "I still do the infantile thing and pretend that I don't like them. I've even flirted with their friends to make them hurry up and tell me that they like me before I go out with their buddy."

Betty: "I pray. I am quite religious. It did not work in the past, but I think it was because I was not supposed to get it. Sometimes what we want is one thing, and what the universe is supposed to give us is different. So I'm still waiting. I know that there is divine order." Shorty: "I bat my eyelids and I razzle bedazzle with my personality. I basically prick-tease them and flirt. I don't have problems in picking up men. It must be my Australian accent. I open my mouth and the American boys come running. I am a little bit of a magnet, not to blow my own trumpet!" Connie: "I don't have anybody that doesn't like me, so I can't answer that. I wouldn't know."

Veri-Ann: "I tell 'em I like 'em. Straight up. It works. I know it works, trust me." Trilby: "I just try to be myself and be friendly and treat people the way I like to be treated. I guess once I've had a few drinks, I get more friendly. 'Cause I'm quite shy." Lelie: "I try to look really cute. Wear something that I like and feel really comfortable in. I wear jeans and a sweater. It makes me look hot."


Cathy: "I talk in a cute voice. It's like a high-pitched voice. It's kinda girly and squeaky, a bit like Mickey Mouse. It gets guys to like me if they're into that whole girlish, dopey thing." Irina: "I give them presents. I make them things, like trinkets." Kasandra: "I guess I make fun of them, make them feel a little vulnerable."

Christienne: "I'm an old married hag. But I would say showing interest in them all the time. Continuing conversations and showing enthusiasm." Lyndsey: "Nothing. I'm lazy and scared. Maybe that's the trick. I just sit silently and hope they come to me, and then they don't. And if they don't, then I go home with my tail between my knees and cry." Jessica: "By playing coy, I suppose. I play the little kid. Like the vulnerable little kid that needs to be taken care of. The kid has all the power. Like when you're really young you actually have your parents wound around your finger but they just don't know it."

Biythe: "I've been dating someone for a long time, so I haven't really had to try. We'd flirt at first. I'm a good dancer so I'd dance all sexy with him." Ashley: "I tell them they have a nice ass. I grab their butt and then pretend nothing happened. It works for me. It's an aggressive grab. Guys like having their ass grabbed." Jen: "Consistent flirting. Body language, a little close talking, gentle arm stroking. Talking unnecessarily close to their ear."

Danielle: "I make sure I'm wearing the sweetest perfume. I find out what they like and talk about it. I wear revealing clothes. I have great cleavage, so I like to show it off. I like to go out in Soho, Broome Street, Spring Street, the classy places." Samantha: "Treat the person that you like as you would the person that you don't like. Just treat them terribly. I'm going out with someone now and I treat him so bad. He never gets sick of it."




(Click for more dirty stories)
Christian: “I’ve been using the same jizz rag since I got my first blowjob ten years ago. I do wash it a lot.” Larry: “I love going down on my girl. I slept with six girls. What kind of porn? What? With black women.” Jeff: “Strangulation. Not much of a story, just neck bruises. No autoerotic hangings, here. Just good, old-fashioned violence against women.”

Tika: “I like to double fist girls.” Helen: “Phantom odor. I was dating a guy who was uncircumcised and every time I would go down on him I would be worried that it would stink. It never did. Um, and my brother did a ‘first pubic hair’ dance at 12. He was uncircumcised.” Fredi: “I once peed on a Japanese girl while she was in the bathtub sitting down. I like totally peed in her mouth and stuff.”

Rebecca: “I masturbated with a carrot wrapped inside a sock wrapped inside a condom. It is a really nice consistency. Squishy but firm.” Jaclyn: “It’s always fun to have someone spin on your pussy while you’re listening to Chemical Brothers.” Ilana: “I was a virgin until I was married. I was married at 18. How often does this come out? I used to model in 1984.”

Jeff P.: “I have been told by many girlfriends that I am the best at giving oral sex they have ever had. I like to have my toes sucked.” Beth: “I am a potter, so you know that movie Ghost? That is my most common fantasy.” Mike: “Last year I was involved with this very sexy woman. She was a doctor, blonde with a remarkable body. Long before we became intimate, she told me about some of her sexual adventures — some men, some women. I remember her telling me about a time she used a strap-on with one of her partners. Her description of the experience was incredibly stimulating. Several nights later, while I was closing my eyes and reaching back for something to latch onto, I thought about my doctor — and her strap-on. Me and her exchanging places. I was ROCKED by her being able to “fuck” me and the exchange of power. That was an interesting fantasy. It only worked b/c of this particular woman.”

Kyana: “This is a recent sex story. Can it involve yeast infections? All right. I met an older man in Singapore — 10 years older — before he went away to LA, I basically held him hostage for a weekend in his apartment. We didn’t shower for four days. We had sex everywhere: bed, couch, floor. Then my coochie started burning. My coochie was on fire. The sex was good, so I was like: what the fuck? I learned a lesson: Be clean.” Shay: “I am not dirty. I have nothing. Can I tell the way I learned to masturbate? Whenever there was a Western on, I would pile up like four pillows and act like I was riding a horse — like, ‘I’ve saved him! Away!’ And I was always like, ‘Why is it whenever I watch a Western I have to go to the bathroom and pee halfway through?’ Sonia: “My girlfriend one year gave me a hard time about toys. We were at Crazy Nazy’s and I had on a 7” strap on. Discreetly, she sat on it and very nicely, I rode her at the bar. No one saw anything, but the bartender bought us drinks all night because she knew what was going on.”

Louis: “When I was 18 years old I was getting oral sex from my girlfriend in my parents’ bed when my parents came home. We were both butt ass naked and I heard the front door open. I knew it was my parents. My girlfriend and I both rolled over to opposite sides of the bed and crawled under. But, there was room under the bed to finish what we were doing. So with my parents asleep, we were finishing. Then we waited til 2 a.m. before we could crawl out and put our clothes on.” Soraya: “I don’t really have anything. Oh, when I was 5 I used to masturbate behind the couch. While my mom was cooking dinner. I couldn’t do it in the bedroom because my sister was watching TV there.” Sara: “Around the ages of 4 or 5 I used to tickle myself. I would take my stuffed unicorn and shove its hair down my panties. Pulling the hair out of my pussy gave a nice tickle.”

Rodrigo: “OK, I’ve got one. At 13, I used to put on my mother’s tights, apply foundation, and masturbate in the mirror. Is that good?” Clay: “Someone I used to know asked me to watch her dog while she was away for the weekend. It was one of those cute little in-the-purse breeds which I usually don’t like. At the time, I was working a job that made me keep late hours, so when I went over to check on her dog it was like 3 a.m. I recall the dog was particularly happy to see me. Needing to unwind, and knowing that my girlfriend was fast asleep at home, I started watching a little late night cable access porn while jerking off. O.k. let me get to the point, without any prompting, the dog leaped into my lap and starting lapping at my dick with her soft little pink tongue. I learned that night that dogs can be best friends, and lovers.” Tina: “I was drunk and on a lot of drugs. My boyfriend and I got a cab and he started kissing me. First down my neck, then down my chest. He slid himself inside me. I was sort of dazed and caught up with how pretty everything looked — it was a hot night and you could see some stars, and the buildings were all lit up. At some point though, my eyes popped open and I was like: “Motherfucker! We are so far away from where we were headed and this fucking cabbie has been watching us the whole time. What the fuck?” He even had the rearview and side mirrors focused on my ass. Well anyway, I leaned forward and told him we had to get where we were going SOON. We kept driving, and we went through the tunnel, and I had an orgasm somewhere along the way, and finally, when we get to our destination, I said, “How much?” and he goes, “You go for a moonlight cab ride.” I was like, “What?” and then I noticed there were stains on his slacks. “Oh, OK!” I didn’t pay him for the ride because, holy shit man, he paid himself.”

Justin: “We were at camp, 7 guys, we were all varsity high school football players. So the party dies down and we are the only ones there with one girl lleft. She’s only been with one guy. We didn’t know that at the time. We found out later. Our pickup: I come out of nowhere and say, “Hey girl, when was the last time you were surrounded by seven stud varsity football players.” She’s like, “What the? Never. That’s like my dream.” All of us were in our undies in about one minute. We start to rub on her, get her naked, oral. We put a beer bottle in her puss. Everything you can imagine. We took her to our boat. We took her on this yacht. And the guys would go in private, 1x1, 2x2, have some private time with her. The last two go in to have decent sex with the lights off and two other sneak in with one of those one-time use cameras. There are two guys. One guy getting his dick sucked, the other guy having sex with her. The guy getting his dick sucked is a real country stick redneck and he’s like, “Come on, man. Switch with me. Switch with me.” You kind of had to be there, because his voice. “Switch with me. Switch with me.” So the other guy’s like all right hold on I’m almost done. He cums in the condom, takes it off, slides it inside out and hands it to the other guy. He puts it on and starts to fuck her. Of course, one of the guys on the floor — if you hadn’t guessed, that’s us — takes a picture. She’s like, “What the fuck is that?” Meanwhile we convince her it’s lightning. Then, I don’t know, we were all sort of like: ‘Okay. See you later. You’ve been with seven football players.’” Dustin: “This wasn’t too long ago. I’m trying to think of the date. Must have been August. My cousin was getting married and I was the usher. We got to the reception and we get drunk. I call one of my friends up. We’ve been friends a long time and she usually brings me home, so we go back to my house and we watch TV and the next thing I know, my pants are undone and around my ankles. And the bad thing is she’s about three times as big as me. That was the horrible thing about it. I have sex with her and the next morning I wake up and run out there, but my truck wasn’t there.
So I had to stay there and wait for her to wake up to take me home before I could leave.”		 Chad: “Drugs and sex and rock ‘n’ roll? I done all three. That’s just one of my stories. This girl, her friends she was riding with left her so I had to bring her back to her friend’s apartment that night. Really haven’t seen her much since. She ended up with me sitting on top of the toilet on top of me. Pretty crowded night. It was in a bar that was about a third this big. I was a bouncer. About three times as many people as here, smaller place. The crowd was shoulder to shoulder and there was only one stall in the bathroom. She told me to put it in her ass. She was engaged. I used to work with the fiancé.


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