GRIMEWATCH
| These are stills from Happy Slap videos, where kids from Hackney slap the shit out of random bystanders while filming it on their phones. VERY sexy |
January is traditionally an empty kind of month. The whole grime scene has its poker face on and isn't letting any cats out of any bags. Terror is keeping all his new beats close to his chest, Ruff Squad's "Guns & Roses"; mixtape is taking longer to come out than Cam'ron's last album and no one has been going up the stations as everyone is too busy making Happy Slap TV clips (Happy Slap TV is when you film someone punching the shit out of someone on your phone, then send it to everyone you know. The best place to get happy slapped is the 106 bus in Hackney where there are currently more undercover police on the route trying to catch the culprits than real passengers. But it's too late: by the time you read this all the kids doing this will probably have multi-million pound deals with edgy youth TV channels and happy slapping will already be 2005's answer to Jackass.
We've been talking for months about the relentless influx of budget DVDs flooding the record shops, and it seems to be getting worse. Or better. Crazy Titch's new DVD has footage of him chasing Wiley round the pool in Ayia Napa and looks like the grime re-make of the video to Wham's "Club Tropicana";. Target is pushing out Aim High 2 which is pretty cool and has some bad-ass freestyles. The only really wack bit is when Dizzee and co all go and hang out in Miami, hire a Hummer and basically act like tourists. Speaking of the States, Grimewatch was out there over Christmas and went to try and convince all the mainstream US hip hop mags to do a big story on the scene. Some of our favourite objections to the obviously ridiculous notion of writing about something other than the bloated corporate carcass of mainstream US hip hop were:
" Why would our readers care about England? All it means to them is the Queen and cups of tea?";
" But we did a story on Ms Dynamite two years ago…?";
" Jammer does not look like Lil' Jon and that is not a good basis for a story on the similarities between grime and crunk.";
What these dickheads all failed to realise is there is a huge similarity between grime and crunk. That's why Stat Quo, Pitbull and Kardinal Official just made three brand new versions of "Forward Riddim"; especially for the Dirty South (big up DJ Semtex). But how are you supposed to convince a senior editor at a magazine that has T.I. on the cover of the latest issue, after they've just told you, "I don't actually like crunk, actually I'm into more old school hip hop. And snowboarding."; Really? So why the fuck are you still working here when you're 37? Grimewatch realised we were getting nowhere, made our excuses, copped the new Byrd Gang tape, a pair of Denim Airmax 90s and left.
Meanwhile, back in Blighty, the youngers continue to smash it. Stryder is back on form with "Chillin";, and Discarda's tune "Critical"; is huge. Discarda beat his recent case and Target is getting calls from some "big people"; about him and the Wile Out Onez (Big up Dispute, hold your head.) In fact Wile Out Onez are murking left right and centre (FREE BRAZEN!), no one more so than Scum Dave, who doesn't even spit, but allegedly switched on some kid on a bus and made him take off all his clothes, apart from his socks, and ride all the way to the bus garage. Riko is out! And apparently his album will be out soon too. Roll Deep are currently taking over Europe (while here the "Colder"; remix is ruling the airwaves) and are off in Switzerland opening bank accounts or something. Logan Sama is making powermoves like filling in for DJs at 2 AM on Kiss 100FM. Still, it's better than the pirate soundclash competition. Watch for his new mixtape soon come. Ears is still heating roads, the new single "Fine Fine"; is big, and he's just played the Vice Party in Berlin with Jammer and D Double E, so basically he's arrived. He ain't really a grime MC, but Sway is the only good thing that has come out of UK hip hop since the Demon Boyz. His single "Flo Fashion"; says more about mindless mass consumption in three minutes than you would get from an entire Julian Lennon album, even if you were listening to it on your limited edition U2 iPod. Lady Fury and Shystie are having a huge war which culminated in a website being put up claiming Lady Fury was a tranny. It's since been taken down, but there is still some serious beef stewing there.
PAT PARSONS
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Subject: happy slaping Date: Apr 11 2006 06:51:33 AM Author: nahh man...
trust, its not clever, what next, happy sexual assault? happy stabbin? where has this blud lust shit comefrom? i know it cos i feel it too,trust, its jokes to see someone get slapped in the face, but when some rowdy yout run up and slap your mum, or rob her or somthing, you feel gutted, u wanna kill em, sametime i grew up on wrestling, 'youve been framed', then skate videos as a teen and then jackass, u can see it coming a mile off, these days everyones got a camera on em 24/7, and a means of publicising their footage, and the violence is real, bare people show me footage of some messed up gonzo shit on thier phone, its dutty, girls being treated real bad, its amusing to some people, vomit porn and that, girls being slapped, im just nopt really sure whats gunna happen, to what end, where will man say "nah thats sick, thats it" i seen decaptation videos on my brehs phone the other day, messy...
Subject: happy slpas Date: Apr 05 2005 02:12:44 PM Author: monic
well y satnd there when sum ones got a phone and putting it on your face. if u see bare black heads wid a camera phone walk away. to hell wid it run if u had to.
Subject: Happy Slap Date: Mar 10 2005 05:05:55 PM Author: Albrino
I watched that happy slap shit and it was stupid. Fucking bullying nonsense - I like some grime but if those people are the mainstay of the scene then fuck it. Fucking losers.
Subject: re:slaps Date: Mar 09 2005 03:01:22 AM Author: urdaddy
the bitch was prolly drunk or suntin
Subject: Real Grime News Date: Mar 06 2005 07:14:49 AM Author: Sidney Crabbe
* DJ CUNTFINGA and ULTRABOX have been arrested for urinating on a child
Subject: Critical Date: Mar 01 2005 11:58:06 AM Author: Pat Parsons
'Critical' was supposed to be on Riko's alnum, but he got banged up, so Discarder added a verse, which basically makes the track. Don't try it.
Subject: crap.. Date: Mar 01 2005 04:15:09 AM Author: K.K. Rockwell
what a load of old shit.. pat parsons.. school yourself..
Subject: discarda Date: Feb 25 2005 11:41:28 AM Author: your mum
critical ain't his tune
Subject: suckadeejays Date: Feb 21 2005 03:16:12 PM Author: ness
fuck dj semtex
Subject: The REAL grime news. Date: Feb 18 2005 01:10:24 PM Author: Chantelle
*The Free School dinners crew has been done for scratching "MC Knobo is well gay" onto school desks.
*MC Swears has been made to pay a £30 fine after being caught with an out of date bus pass. He had tried to change it with a biro.
*The Wikky Style posse's Flanno has dissed Ballz Deeep's DJ Recordz claiming "He sez he's always chirpsin' da birds but ain't never even got his fingers in."
Subject: slaps Date: Feb 16 2005 12:29:02 PM Author: Alex
oi a friend of mine was shown a video of herself getting slapped while standing at a bus stop in New Cross way by some boys. Except nobody actually slapped her!
WWWTTTFFF?!
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