Men have simple sexual needs. They want to cum. That's about it. They might sometimes cum in ways that they think are inventive, like on your face or your tits, but it all comes down to the same end: a squirt of some white ropy stuff followed by a brief Xanax-y stupor. After about 20,000 orgasms, most men start to wonder, "Is that all there is to this cumming thing?" They get bored with orgasms.

Men in Middle America are suffering uninspired blowjobs from girlfriends on a daily basis. Is it any wonder a growing number of guys are thinking that maybe the best way to wrestle themselves out of their carnal torpor would be to try a blowjob from a bona fide homosexual? After all, every gay man they've ever met has told them a queer blowjob is so much more exciting and enjoyable than a boring woman blowjob. "Nobody knows how to make a penis happy like a person who owns a penis of their own!" (That's what gay guys say to get straight penises in their mouths.)

But remember this: Most "bi-curious" men aren't thinking about how delicious it might feel to have another man's dick buried in their ass. They're just thinking about how the inside of a dude's mouth is technically the same as a woman's, especially if you're drunk. Especially especially if you're drunk, ugly, and lonely. Bi-sexuality, quite simply, doubles your chances. It's the refuge of the pathetically horny.

New statistics from Italy say that, weekly, one gay man sucks more dicks than 12.7 women. Can you say, "Man alive!"? Who's receiving all these BJs from gay men? Not just other gay men—there aren't enough of those around for 13 (I rounded up) times more head sessions than girls perform a week. Especially in Italy—those sluts suck dick as casually as our women choke down Apple Martinis. There is only one answer: Straight guys are getting their joints coughed by benders with reckless abandon.

The only question left to ask is, "Who's better at it?" Do we have to go gay to get the best head? To find out, we got a gay man and a straight man to get blowjobs from a gay man and a straight woman. We blindfolded both of our suckees and built a glory hole. Then we sat back and basked in the heady milieu of the most erotic and revealing experiment ever conducted in the name of sensual truth.

Suckee One Rick is a 24-year-old Londoner with an eight-and-a-half-inch cock. He works as a gay male escort. "The greatest blowjob I ever had was from a client a few weeks ago," he told us nervously. "It lasted for about 15 minutes, and it was mind blowing. I've not taken part in anything involving a so-called ‘glory hole' before, but I'm looking forward to it immensely."	Suckee Two Sam is a 20-year-old model from London. He's straight. This will be the first time ever that another man will touch Sam's thing.	Sucker One Avalon is a 26-year-old who's worked in the adult film industry since she moved to London from Malaysia in her teens. She prepared to give head by sucking on a menthol lozenge, which she always brings to blowjob shoots because they numb the throat and the menthol tickles the recipient's glans, thus enhancing his pleasure. (Oooh-kaye.)	Sucker Two Daniel is a poet from France who was extremely confident that he'd win the challenge. He even invoked the old "men know what other men want" chestnut. We pointed out that with that reasoning, there would be no war, politics, or conflict, and no babies born ever again, but Daniel maintained his sangfroid.

THE RULES The safeguards were made to prevent giving the suckees a clue to the sucker's gender. Our female sucker was given orders not to make any erotic moaning noises and to keep her expensively painted and lengthy fingernails away from the shafts. Ewww. Our male sucker had his face freshly shaved and was not allowed to whimper things like, "Ooh, your cock is divine" in his manly French baritone. Again: Ewww.

Round One

First up was Rick in his stained, gray shell-suit trousers. As soon as he popped through the hole, Daniel moved in for the kill, lapping away excitedly at Rick's trunk as if the reputation of every gay man in the world depended on it.

After 10 floppy minutes of Daniel's best efforts, Rick's dick was still quite shy of the promised eight-and-a-half inches.

Just before he pulled out, he told us, "To be completely truthful, it's not the best I've ever had. But it wasn't the worst either."

It was obvious to all present that these were just words of kindness and encouragement for poor Daniel, who seemed genuinely confused by his inability to stir the snake.

Time to move on to mouth two.

After struggling to get the condom on his flaccid member, we encouraged Rick to just put it through the hole au naturel. Avalon sprung into action with a condom ready to roll on with her mouth. She made his dick disappear and within a minute, it was growing in her mouth at an alarming rate. Her effortless glide- and-lick technique impressed all present, most importantly Rick, who, in between murmuring and closing his eyes, told the judges: "Can I just say something? I think this is the male. This one's a lot better than the first one."

A minute later, he filled his condom with jets of hot gay spunk and Avalon leaped to her feet and punched the air like a lottery winner.

Result: Womankind 1, Gay Men 0.

Round Two

Sam prepped by jerking off behind the glory booth to a copy of Maxim. "It can take me up to an hour to cum sometimes, but I can always get my dick hard in a matter of minutes," he told us.

Daniel sunk to his knees while blindfolded Sam shuffled his wobbling sword into the glory hole. Our disheartened gay friend got to work immediately, this time using teeth, spit, face rubbing and the "licking down the side" technique that he learned in the "nightclub toilets of Brighton."

It soon became apparent that this rough lick-and-tickle technique wasn't doing the business, as Sam started to become droopy. He looked around the room as if desperately seeking a way out.

"I think I'll give No. 2 a go, please," he pleaded. "This one is very rough."

Fearing that the contest was already over, we decided to tip the scales and add a handicap—we told Avalon to give Sam the worst blowjob she could. She dallied around with his cock like an Iraqi prisoner of war forced to suck his best friend off for the pleasure of American troops. Still, though, Sam's member responded immediately. This was turning into a bloodbath.

Drunk on her success and given the nod to go in for the kill, Avalon sunk to her knees and showed off the smooth yet firm deep-throat technique that wowed Rick so much. Within a couple of minutes, Sam's features had relaxed and he gazed into the ceiling while telling us, "This one is a lot more sensual. Umm, uh, that's important, when you're, uh, doing a thing like this."

Just to be 100% sure, we gave Daniel a last chance to uphold his reputation. Sam still wasn't feeling his efforts.

"No," he sighed. "I like the vigor of this, but I definitely prefer the other." With that, Avalon took over and brought the young man to an intense, shuddering climax.

Result: Womankind 2, Gay Men 0.

So that's that—girls suck better cock than gays. It's a good thing, too, because if men had continued to waste their precious seed inside other men, the human race could have ended up extinct within, say, 2,000 years.

QUENTIN GONZABLE

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Subject: maybe the guys were trying too hard Date: Feb 12 2006 04:21:11 AM Author: girliewhirlie hey, tonite i was just talking about this very subject with my boyfriend and he said he probably couldn't get off if a man was giving him head because, well, he'd know it was a man. but the suckees didn't know! well, maybe subconsciously they really did know. maybe the sucker guy was trying too hard to make them come right away. because that was the goal, you know? make him come. see, most of the time when women give head, it's part of the foreplay and not the means to a mindblowing orgasm. that's where the sensuality comes in...knowing that it's all part of the arousal game. if it leads to him going all the way with it, then that's his choice and mine. Subject: I want a recount Date: Feb 01 2006 10:08:29 AM Author: Ian Seems to me that guy just didn't know how to give a good hummer. No one ever said all gay guys know how to give good head. i can tell you from experience, that's just not true...There's also the fact that you let the gay guy go first with both subjects, so he in effect warmed them up for the girl. A more balanced study would be to find a gay guy who you know gives good head- maybe check out his techniques on other gay guys first to verify his skill. It's obvious this guy just didn't know what he was doing! And switch the order- let one go first on one guy and vice versa... Do over! I smell a do over! But way cool experiment... Subject: Bj's Date: Jan 11 2006 12:35:58 PM Author: adolf hitler Jr. i was actively bisexual in my late teens/early twenties...and i found that homos gave the best blowjobs hands down....most women are like "yeeecchhhh" thats dirty...or "don't cum on me"...fags appreciate the cock much more and are more likely to swallow everydrop. If you live in Vancouver check out the 25 cent peep shows that flourish on Granville street (pick up a bit of crack to smoke first at Main and Hastings)...theres always fags hanging around looking to suck cock. My ex-wife gave good head...but she didn't give up the pussy...so i might as well have stayed a single bisexual. 88! Subject: The most beautiful..... Date: Jan 06 2006 10:55:12 AM Author: Shawn Once again it proves my point that I will say again and again...a woman knows how to treat a man's penis....and thank goodness!!!! Subject: If you wondered why Rick... Date: Nov 30 2005 05:12:59 AM Author: Faloola Chong Looked so rough in that photo... Bad botox and eyebrow trimming. He's only 22. LOSER Subject: no Date: Oct 04 2005 01:09:20 PM Author: Eddie I do not think that is true because my bf gives really good one Subject: i want any girl to fack me Date: Sep 22 2005 05:11:33 AM Author: ahmed hi my name is ahmed i live in jordon i need any girl to fack me pls .my emall is rozaagag@yahoo.com thanks Subject: flip that shit Date: Aug 21 2005 11:37:26 PM Author: pinkie RE<<Subject: LOL Date: Mar 09 2005 03:28:49 PM Author: s.grace flip that shit. two girls. one gets head from a guy, the other a lesbian... my money's on the dyke, friends. booyeah.>> can i volunteer for this??? hehehe Subject: yo Date: Aug 15 2005 01:03:07 PM Author: jeff If we wasted seed inside even a woman's mouth, the human race wouldn't keep going. Doesn't matter if it's dude's or chick's, you don't get anyone pregnant from a facial. Subject: That guy Date: Jul 29 2005 09:15:03 AM Author: Jo The "kill the gays"-guy is hilarious, he reminds me of when this homofobic guy from Trollhättan wanted to kill my friend with a chair for dancing naked in front of him! Death from above, I love you! Subject: VICE HAS GONE 2 THE SHITS Date: Jul 22 2005 07:52:56 AM Author: WHA!!!?? IM NOT READIN VICE AGAIN, EVER!! Subject: VICE HAS GONE 2 THE SHITS Date: Jul 22 2005 07:52:56 AM Author: WHA!!!?? KILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL THE GAYSKILL Subject: from Avalon Date: Jun 18 2005 02:54:52 PM Author: Avalon Well reading some of quite funny. I would just like to mention I am female and not a transexual, not that i have anything against them as cool people and I really am 26 and not 50 as some of you said!! Subject: final comment Date: May 27 2005 09:58:13 AM Author: human extinction? the final comment about the human race going extinct is ridiculous and impossible- I'm a straight female, and I think we need more gay men to help preserve the earth from being over populated and overrun by humans. see www.vhemt.org besides- boys that kiss are hot Subject: Sister Puhleeze. Date: Apr 28 2005 12:14:40 AM Author: Dan If I hear one more girl tell me she's good at giving and then proceed to suck dick like a...girl. Seriously ladies. Watch some gay porn. Ask your boyfriend/guyfriend to show you his favorite blowjob clip from the net. Maybe I'm unlucky, maybe blowjobs aren't enough to make me cum. But every blowjob I've gotten has been average. Except for the first one--and that might have just been the circumstance. Ladies, quit thinking you suck good dick! Subject: Hehe :) Date: Apr 08 2005 11:59:03 AM Author: Cook Mi Rice Man Nice experiment! Can't say that I'm not happy by the result! Subject: adult sex workers are better than poets Date: Apr 02 2005 06:52:17 AM Author: monkeybear is anyone really surprised by that? Subject: experiment needs repeating 100s of times Date: Apr 02 2005 06:42:00 AM Author: monkeybear this doesn't really show that straight women are better than sucking than gay men... this shows that Avalon is better than sucking than Daniel... for it to really show anything you'll need to repeat the experiment hundreds of times... so please do that next issue, thankx Subject: rad! Date: Apr 01 2005 08:43:25 AM Author: nigga_k_dizz ill fuck tha shit out of most moufs, but on the reals, chicks n homos R like all the same 2 me. they be all 'kurt youre so hot i bet your dick would be so awesome exploring the depths of my larynx like an intrepid jock cousto([sic], dweebs) shaped like a really perfect penis' an i be all 'what bitch/man-bitch?' ima punch you in the eyeball' cuz seriously, thats a lot of talking/not-sucking- my-dick time, so thats why i prefer retards for bjs. their entire system of reciprocity centers around shiny bric-a-brac and ice cream sandos- so its a totally legit badass deal. i prefer downs cause those crazy chode-fingers of theirs are great for buttholes and cumming in their eyez is easy-sleazy cause theyre so close 2gether. i kno the faggy bros might night be down with 'tards on their nards cause the fanny aint Louis n shit, but hey, they love it. its the only thing that makes those dumb fucks feel alive-yup big sloppy dicks. and you can lie to them and tell em youre jesus christ or something. Subject: Vice Clamp Date: Mar 31 2005 03:49:47 PM Author: Cheyds hatemongers... t(-.-t) Subject: girl Date: Mar 24 2005 01:19:40 AM Author: ...idontknow chix gonna win thats just it. thats what we do. we win. think about. who do you think the prez of the usa complains to at night while laying in bed? "honey I think I might have a problem" "well dear... maybe if we try to send those ppl help..ect." yeah thats right!!! think about it behind every great man is a better woman supporting him. I am bad.hehe.kiss kiss. Subject: well - i am ready for the test Date: Mar 22 2005 05:13:03 AM Author: AccuMan Normally I anit up to men ..... but anything goes ... got a 20 cm dick for testing Subject: fags Date: Mar 12 2005 10:58:14 PM Author: queer big homo's + Big dicks = gushing jiz Subject: Avalon Date: Mar 12 2005 10:46:42 AM Author: Crazy Girl Are you SURE she doesn't have a dick? Or had? Looks like a transexual to me. Which may explain some things... Subject: a dick in a man? Date: Mar 11 2005 05:45:53 PM Author: fufy fufy Putting a dick in another man's mouth is just disgusting. The fact that you actually had to try this out says a lot about this fag magazine. Subject: LOL Date: Mar 09 2005 03:28:49 PM Author: s.grace flip that shit. two girls. one gets head from a guy, the other a lesbian... my money's on the dyke, friends. booyeah. xoxo phila, pa Subject: Sheer hilarity Date: Mar 08 2005 12:40:33 PM Author: Daniel J Jonas The difference between a males moral objective soon diminishes at the slight offer of temptation, usually in the two rock melon sized offerings. I'm out to buy me some menthol drops, sweeet. Subject: pc Date: Mar 08 2005 12:16:47 PM Author: gross couldn't you have had a guys vs girls with girls on the receiving end just to balance this out a little. i mean, half of your readers are women. Subject: Me too!! Date: Mar 07 2005 01:11:09 AM Author: NiceJob...hee hee Hey, I'm a fag and I would have cum on that chick long before that french fry that looks like he took a hike on the bottom of a shoe through the NY sub system! Who cares if it's a dude or a chick? Are they hot? That's the answer. Here's the new Experiment..... Get HOT action. Ugly, grateful, they try harder excuses are a myth for people who got drunker than their ugly assailant and rode the chuckwagon all the way home. Charity is more noble than screwing someone ugly, and admitting you've got sacked by some nasty is worse than admitting that you fuck a ripe cantalope that you microwave to 98 degrees and fuck till it smells like some shitty Bath and Body Works lotion. FUCK HOT and party on let the ugly people become extinct. PS of course I'm from LA. Subject: this one time, at band camp... Date: Mar 05 2005 02:00:44 PM Author: schnobody so, this one time in Vegas, I was hanging out with 5 of my girlfriends (as in girls who are my friends) and we were all drunk sitting around our hotel room and somehow I started bragging how good I am at blow jobs and then later that night we were hanging out in a roomful of bachelor party boys and I was talking to one of them and my friend saw me gesturing from across the room and assumed I was talking about blow jobs again and she loudly blurted out "She's REALLY good at blow jobs". I turned red but then I was like, well, yeah, I kinda am. the end. Subject: Silly fagget, dicks are for Chicks Date: Mar 04 2005 06:02:31 PM Author: Friend of Susan's Hahahaha...i love how the queens are defending themselves. like when vice puts up something about white guys having little dicks and some guy feels the inevitable knee-jerk reaction to post about his dick...or make the eeeeeven gayer observation "some black guys have small dicks".... Hahaha now you fags are as lame as that fag. Subject: boys better Date: Mar 03 2005 10:58:36 AM Author: Fat-E i think the guy was trying way to hard. there's an art of subtlty to the whole thing, and he totally missed it. that's not something you learn in english bathrooms. now, when you're with a straight guy, and it's his first time with a guy, and he tells you that you're better than any of the many many girls he's been with, that's when you know, men are teh r0x! Subject: unfair contests are no fun Date: Feb 28 2005 06:47:36 PM Author: hmmm shes a professional! find a male 'adult industry star' and put him against the female and then see whats up..only when you have two pros or two ametuers will the contest be fair Subject: Rick/Say Hey . . . Brilliant!!! Date: Feb 28 2005 05:40:43 PM Author: Cashmere So many times I'll read these message boards and be pissed just by how negative most people are, and then every now and then I come across and absolute GEM like the Rick/Say Hey fight. This article was great, but the discourse that followed was like, a trillion times better. Keep it up! ha! You get it, Rick? Subject: hmmmmm Date: Feb 28 2005 01:54:48 PM Author: David ADULT. Try it again, but without Daniel.... he scares my no nos... Subject: For attention of Rental Richard Date: Feb 28 2005 05:07:15 AM Author: Curious Are you in Sydney at the moment? Rumour has it you are. Are you in Australia to launch your new erotic novel? And any plans of checking out Melbourne? Perhaps we'll see you sleeping at Borders Bookstore on Chapel St. Subject: queer as joke Date: Feb 27 2005 03:33:08 AM Author: wtf botox billy is one fuct up critter. and ol sammy boys 'modeling' career is proably over. and bo boy definately never had one.peace out fags! Subject: GARETHS NOT A MODEL Date: Feb 26 2005 11:15:12 AM Author: rick gareth gates isnt a model despite being gorgeous - he's a top UK pop star who is returning later this year with his 3rd album so no its not the same agency Subject: Rick's new model contract Date: Feb 25 2005 09:38:50 PM Author: Her Royal Highness Queen Bitch Is that the same model agency that Gareth "ET" Gates belongs to? Subject: What a stupid contest Date: Feb 25 2005 07:56:58 PM Author: JJ Seriously, Straights rule. Subject: i want some ! Date: Feb 23 2005 11:19:54 PM Author: iccool Being an infortunently straight guy (locked in straight relationship), I feel I need to test this experiment my self. I know how I would suck cock...hmmmm perhaps some one could help me out ! My girlfriend sucks bad ! Subject: source Date: Feb 23 2005 05:50:16 PM Author: Rebecca What is the source of the Italian magazine that you named? Subject: rick the prick Date: Feb 23 2005 09:10:29 AM Author: matt sounds like waaaaa! to me! mt Subject: i can't - i'm dieting Date: Feb 22 2005 06:40:30 PM Author: something in my front pocket for you half the girls i've been with don't even want a cock in their mouth dan was just over-enthusiastic gay guys suck way better cock rick, you're so vapid and unattractive - all your model talk makes me giggle Subject: This one Date: Feb 22 2005 03:23:27 PM Author: ... Can we please get the lovely porn star lady to write a guide. Being a lady myself and not wanting to let down woman kind i feel that we should all know her tricks... Subject: cocksuckers Date: Feb 22 2005 02:44:41 PM Author: walking with thee rick looks so fucking bad. What the fuck is up? That guy must get beaten the fuck up. asap. Subject: Do it again Date: Feb 22 2005 05:25:49 AM Author: Tolo I think it´s just a coincidence. You have to do this experiment again. Subject: dick diving Date: Feb 21 2005 11:36:15 PM Author: lucinda wow, gay guys are so gay. i'm just happy to be generally confirmed as the better header. Subject: t-girl pride! Date: Feb 21 2005 11:19:13 PM Author: byatch in esseff trannies always suck the best cock! Subject: Sam Date: Feb 21 2005 04:24:30 PM Author: Warren P. Petermark Yeah, Sam is straight. And Rick, we all have eight inch cocks right? Avalon doesn't look like a whore at all. Subject: fuck off derek Date: Feb 21 2005 04:21:11 PM Author: rick fuck off back to sayhey derek and back to your trained monkey, oscar wildeshite/panty hose strangler anyway back to me - suckee one - today i signed to models1 for £100 000 Subject: losers Date: Feb 21 2005 11:52:49 AM Author: mbv wow...these fag-hags are saddies. is this all they do? argue on i-net forums? i'm depressed now. Subject: gay or girl Date: Feb 20 2005 01:29:26 PM Author: w00t! "So that's that—girls suck better cock than gays. It's a good thing, too, because if men had continued to waste their precious seed inside other men, the human race could have ended up extinct within, say, 2,000 years." Umm, sucking cock doesn't make children you know. Even if it's done by a woman!! Subject: what a fag Date: Feb 20 2005 05:45:35 AM Author: derek Way to go Rick, Instead of keeping your reputation as an 8 inch fag, you decided you would rather look like a prissy, desperate slut who doesn't have the confidence to handle an internet insult. This all became apparent after you posted that weblink for the nth time. And if that's your real fucking phone number down there, you better hope viceland does you a favor and deletes it. Otherwise be prepared for an onslaught of prank phone calls from people who hate you (all over the world no less). Subject: Stalker Date: Feb 19 2005 06:19:47 AM Author: Addicted2Love Rick is allegedly Dannii Minogue's "death threats" stalker, as reported in The Mirror's 3AM column and in a number of mags, a few months ago. What I want to know, is has Dannii seen this page? Subject: Rental Richard Date: Feb 19 2005 05:48:36 AM Author: Say Hey Dannii Minogue's stalker is small and can't get it up? What a surprise! Subject: Richard is so loose Date: Feb 18 2005 10:46:18 PM Author: Say Hey Stop whoring yourself u useless bint and rent out that gaping tunnel you call an ass and rent it out as a parking garage. Rental is the most disgusting, mental person on the face of the planet, he makes Michael Jackson seem appealing by comparison. I would have gone one step further by putting a paper bag over his head and taking to it with a mallet. Subject: rick (one more time) Date: Feb 18 2005 09:31:59 PM Author: Skutch The only way botox would make you good-looking is if I gouged out my eyeballs with the syringe! Subject: rick Date: Feb 18 2005 09:31:02 PM Author: Skutch Dudes 15 minutes are up! Subject: botox and over plucked eyebrows Date: Feb 18 2005 09:00:41 AM Author: Dannii Minogue Richard, lay off the botox and overplucking of the eyebrows dear. If you keep that up you'll end up looking like me. You wouldn't want that would you? Afterall, being the hot stud muffin you're supposed to be. You know if you really WERE all that, you wouldn't have to charge people money for sex. They'd wanna fuck you for free. Question... do you always wear that blindfold when fucking clients? It must be a relief for them not to have to look at your face. I have to go dear, don't forget to chat to me on my official forum. Speak to you soon. Love Dannii xxxxxx Subject: Book Rental and as a bonus free herpes Date: Feb 18 2005 03:22:46 AM Author: Say Hey A booking with Rental is your chance to own a communable sexually transmitted disease. Sucky Sucky Five Dolla!! Subject: book me now Date: Feb 18 2005 02:43:28 AM Author: Rick If anyone wants to book me you can call me here PLEASE CALL 07951 404315 OUTCALLS/HOTELS/OVERNIGHT ETC AVAILABLE 24 HOURS Subject: Avalon Date: Feb 18 2005 02:32:33 AM Author: Curiosity Killed The Twat Are you sure that Avalon isn't really Dana International? She looks like a tranny! Subject: career Date: Feb 18 2005 02:29:48 AM Author: Rick I made more out of my life than you did you useless cumbukcet. whats your dick? like 2cm or something? fucking little wankpiece. fuck off back to sayhey with your other fans of that mangled bitch kylie Subject: PORN STAR HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Date: Feb 18 2005 02:04:21 AM Author: Say Hey Beastiality is a niche market isn't it Rental? You'd be good at it, you have an ass loose enough to fit a horse dick. You filthy discharge. Everyone who knows of you hates you. Do yourself a favour and just end it all. Subject: f*ck you Date: Feb 18 2005 02:02:34 AM Author: Rick you aint worth shit when i'm a big hot porn star i bet youll be checking out my vids. you cunt Subject: Everything that comes in contact... Date: Feb 18 2005 01:57:56 AM Author: Say Hey Everything that comes in contact with you reacts negatively. Whore. Go and peddle your overploughed ass somewhere else, you look like the poster child for "gays with down syndrome". P.S. You are deluded. Subject: botox Date: Feb 18 2005 01:42:57 AM Author: Rick The marks were there after I had my botox injections when the shoot was done at Xmas time in south London. My face looks bloated because my skin is sensitive and reacted badly to the injectionss. Your only jealus coz you couldnt suck my big cock and you have as much sex as a nobody type thing. Subject: Rental is dull Date: Feb 18 2005 01:35:14 AM Author: Say Hey Im sure you have lots of STD's to keep you company. You festering old bag of disease. But on the positive side glad to hear that your ass is in consideration for the new M4 tunnel. P.S Are those strange red marks above your eyebrows from a bothced botox treament, so u can pretend you look (giggling) 24. Subject: knob-jockey Date: Feb 18 2005 12:51:32 AM Author: Rick I am 24 you stupid fuck and you probably cant deal with the fact that I have a better sex life than you. Subject: Rental is sad Date: Feb 18 2005 12:45:21 AM Author: Say Hey Hello Rental Richard, u sad individual. Nice to see that karma seems to be taking its revenge on you, especially around the face. U look like a sad Lisa Minelli pre op tranny. Everyone on Say Hey is laughing at you, u deranged loon. (Prepares for the usual uneducated come back). PS. 24!!!! At least lie creatively you gutter trash. Subject: Rick Date: Feb 18 2005 12:11:32 AM Author: eyebrows wat the fuck would you even no about eeybrows anyway you stupid fuck!! I did profesinal porn in Europe and am well on my way to becoming a househould name and star. at least i can afford botox. I bet you cant even afford your own shampoo. http://www.absolute-male-escorts.com/rick1 www.gaydar.co.uk/...........rick Subject: rick Date: Feb 17 2005 11:22:52 PM Author: Skutch Seriously dude, you need to plan out your eyebrow tweezing. You are turning yourself into a horrorsexual. Subject: F**** off!! Date: Feb 17 2005 07:49:02 PM Author: Rick Both the minogue sisters are f*ckin ugly c*nts anyway I never fkng stalked either of em. your just jealos cause you cant get with someone as cute as me!! www.gaydar.co.uk/...........rick http://www.absolute-male-escorts.com/rick1/ Subject: Disturbing people & Retarded Richard Date: Feb 17 2005 07:31:52 PM Author: Stick Or Twist I find reading this a real pity for the people who actually participated. Whilst the words 'moronic' and 'retarded' certainly fit this article perfectly, I feel the word 'tragic' truly sums up this pathetic event. With the addition of 'Rick', who is more well know as 'Rental Richard' and renowned for sending hate mail to stars like Kylie and Dannii Minogue, as well as spamming countless online sites and forums with links to his escort agency and tales of sexual encounters. Truly a discturbing individual, at the best of times and a perfect candidate for this seriously vile and retarded experiement and article. There is some advice to be taken from this. Go home, have a think, re-read what you actually did here and THEN consider getting a f*cking life. As for 'Rental Richard'. I hear business isn't good. I can't imagine those eyebrows help much either. Tsk tsk..... Bless Subject: Tragic! Date: Feb 17 2005 05:30:49 PM Author: Lucy Labia That is both the most tragic, and equally hilarious thing I ever seen, today. Thank you once again Richard for proving yourself to be the funniest freak on the internet. And to clarify, we're laughing at you, not with you, you rectal wart. Subject: Rick Dear.... Date: Feb 17 2005 05:13:41 PM Author: Rental's Aussie Fan You truly ARE scraping the barrell now if you have to resort to these type situations to get your cock sucked. Poor Sam and Avalon, having to put your *thing* into their mouth. Oh and by the way dear, how'd things go with stalking Dannii Minogue? Did you end up arrested? It made the news here in Australia. I heard that Dannii was quite worried she was being stalked by a complete nutter like yourself. Are you still trying to live in Borders Bookstore? That was one of the more entertaining pieces of gossip I heard. For someone who's profession is a male escort (in other words a dirty prostitute) I would have thought you'd be raking in the dough? Is that why you have to offer "specials" in order to get anywhere? Maybe you should consider a different profession? Something that doesn't involve showing your face or your body and if you must, wear clothes and a paperbag. Also, I'd like to know when that evil spirit is coming to get me? I've been waiting for a year and a half and still nothing... did it get lost? So many questions... so little time... Well I hope I do get to chat to you again dear Rental. I'm sure you'll be pleased to know we still talk about you occasionally on sayhey :) Infact we're all having quite the giggle over this article. To everyone esle who had to be involved with Rick, you have my deepest sympathies :( PS- where's Gareth Gates these days? Subject: im down for vice versa Date: Feb 16 2005 02:27:53 PM Author: cunning linguist ive been told many times by bi girls that my technique is superior to a womans - way superior... so if you want to reverse the contest im "down" Subject: Gay vs Straight Date: Feb 16 2005 10:48:36 AM Author: Stefan I don't believe this contest. I am a gay man that has sucked off lots of "straight" men, and I mean lots. I have never had one of them say they have had a better blow job from a woman. That is why they have come back for more. I know that there is all kinds of people out there (gay, straight, bisexual, etc) but what it comes down to is being in touch with your own pleasures and sharing them with someone that will enhance them. Love is Love, and sex is sex. Happy Sucking Everyone!!! Subject: come to paris Date: Feb 16 2005 08:17:50 AM Author: eurostar suckee all the gays knows why they like to be sucked by gays ! come to the biggest gay brothel of the world : PARIS ; even straight men, like me know the right places Subject: indulgence Date: Feb 16 2005 12:37:58 AM Author: incognito was always curious who was better. this was just one test. lol... i'm not serious. this is way too funny. didn't think that someone would actually ever compare. cool stuff though. vice rocks!!! Subject: Too funny!! Date: Feb 16 2005 12:13:08 AM Author: Ang6666 And yay us women!! LOL Subject: ` Date: Feb 15 2005 11:34:02 PM Author: onlooker that was sick on so many levels. keep up the good work Subject: I wonder. Date: Feb 15 2005 11:22:44 PM Author: Taeil You know Vice should keep going with this thing. Since Avalon won this battle Vice should try to find another fag who might be able to take her crown next month. Subject: linda and faloola Date: Feb 15 2005 04:54:55 PM Author: rick please ignore the last 2 comments from faloola and linda - they are 2 pathetic trolls with nothing better to do Subject: RICK Date: Feb 15 2005 04:22:22 PM Author: LINDA MARLOWE LOL! I feel sorry for the bird that had to suck off Rick.. Did she REQUEST the mask over his face ? Subject: Ewww.... Date: Feb 15 2005 03:57:25 PM Author: Faloola Chong You weren't wrong about Rick being PUG UGLY, were you ? Subject: What about Female Head?? Date: Feb 15 2005 03:42:28 PM Author: shhhh... To whom it may concern,    My roomate and I recently read the article on who gives "head" better, Gays or Girls?  Of course it was the ladies. But what about "head" for the ladies? Who gives that better? We believe that women will again top that one aswell. Just an Idea to do a test on the vice versa. Subject: continued!!! Date: Feb 15 2005 12:16:28 PM Author: rick - suckee one!! actually i got offered a lucrative modelling contract with a major agency only a few weeks before this dan ha ha! also check out http:/www.gaymodels.info - click on 'check model by location', then 'LONDON' ,i'm on the 2nd row down, no.3 Subject: My version!!!!!!! Date: Feb 15 2005 12:15:39 PM Author: Rick - suckee one!!!!! Hi i'm Rick - suckee one in this! Here is my version of things! To start off, yes i did find it hard to get my erection (no pun intended!) of 8.5 inches - but its the first time i've done something like this in front of an audience and its very off putting! had it been just the two of us, i would have been erect 8.5 inches - no probs! as for dan's (sucker two) comments on me - as for me not being easy on the eye - as well as a professional escort i'm also a photographic model and have worked mainly in fashion and gay porn - but i'd just had botox for the first time ever only 2 days before we did this, which caused my face to bloat quite a bit - take a look at me now and you'd hardly recognize me - i think dan was way over confident he'd come out on top in this and pissed off that his piss poor attempt at sucking did nothing for me and that i thought the much better female sucker 2 was the male! But i was extremely polite about it and he's no need to be so bitter. The person who responded to his comments calling him a sad fag and true twat certainly hit the nail on the head there - and i think sore loser should be added too. No this hasn't turned me straight - i'm 100% gay! Actually u can take a look at the real me - heres some links www.gaydar.co.uk/...........rick (11 dots) http://www.absolute-male-escorts.com/rick1/ Subject: VOTES Date: Feb 15 2005 09:26:26 AM Author: ANITA CRAPPER To put you straight there Dan, Sam voted for Avalon. At first we lied to him and told him his favourite blow job was from you. We wanted to see if he'd freak out. He didn't seem to care, so after that we told him the truth. Subject: Avalon Date: Feb 15 2005 05:48:31 AM Author: Wolf359 When you said that chick was 26, did you mean to say 50? Fags think they can do everything better, including fucking, sucking, decorating and wearing clothes. Its like they're the new black female. They should at least give us bj bragging rights. Subject: HEY WAIT ???? Date: Feb 14 2005 08:36:26 PM Author: pat y. did the gay guy suckee#1 turn straight after the scientific experiment ? Subject: Taeil Date: Feb 14 2005 05:53:55 PM Author: Disregard the previous comment with erro Vice should do (more) articles like these. Instead (of) promoting articles that Ian Stuart would be proud of. I mean it's alrite having political articles but they only express the anti-multi culturalism point of view. Skrewdriver made some pretty cool music though. (WHITE POWER! 1-2-3-4!) Subject: word up Date: Feb 14 2005 10:48:22 AM Author: F.F. dan, you are a sad sad little f-a-g. dude, you were sucking cock through a hole...i don't think it mattered how ugly anyone was. and i dont think sam's dick going squishy was a vote in your favor. you are a true twat and i can just imagine the let-down when you told all your friends to "check out vice this month 'cause i'm in it sucking some mean dong!" only to be told the sad truth that getting blown by you feels like wrapping sandpaper around your dick while riding a 4 wheeler! Subject: all a sham..... Date: Feb 14 2005 07:59:49 AM Author: dan the "poet" as i couldnt really resist telling wot REALLY happened...not everyday that my sucking power are put to the test and being portrayed as a "less than average blower" will definitely amuse all the guys i shagged....as it is untrue... sam the "straight" guy (i'm not here to judge, i've met more fucked up people than him in my days) did vote for me, which made it a draw!As everyone probably noticed, the other bloke wasn't too easy on the eye(thats long for kindda ugly!)....i have to agree that my performance with him didnt get me aroused in the slightest...(then again, the promised 8 1/2 inches was getting me interested but it never took off in the first place so i was a bit heartbroken..if not bored)... Avalon was very professionnal, and a sweetheart all round...as for Sam (who i'd like to remind you all, voted for me!!) that boy can come back anytime for a re-serve... and knowing he enjoyed it made me, in my heart, the fucking winner of this charade.... danxxx ps: i am french but far from being a flippin poet....fuck knows where they got that from? Subject: cock is good Date: Feb 14 2005 01:54:57 AM Author: Kat but for fucks sake, someone lick me! Subject: Duh Date: Feb 13 2005 11:53:24 PM Author: Mr.Gay totally un-fucking fair!! A porn star from Malaysia against some dude from France? she probably had to give good head since the age of 4 or they would have killed her just cause she's a girl. She does it so well she makes a fucking living at it. Thats like taking a Mcdonalds cashier and putting them in charge of the World Bank and then being surprised when the global economy turns to shit. let me do it next time. i'll swallow that cock so fast he won't know what hit him. Subject: Women suck better...? Date: Feb 13 2005 11:43:47 AM Author: John JJ Martin I will have you know, we gay men do the same job sucking cock as girls do. This guy Dan was way to ruff and really needed to lighten up. He was clearly just a bad trick. Poor little Frenchman was taught how to blow by english boys; everyone knows them gay brits are way a head of the pack and Frenchie had no idea what he was doing. He's new, we'll give him that. Bear in mind one more sad display like this and he's out of the club! One has to start out slow and play with it a bit, then get right into it like it's a war. Bring him over to Canada, we'll walk him through it. Subject: and you think you know it all Date: Feb 12 2005 11:41:49 PM Author: go home your dick anywhere in another man and you LIKE it= homo what if it was a dare? or worse what if you were that friend of the Iraqi prisoner of war that was made to be sucked for the pleasure of American troops? Subject: i agree Date: Feb 12 2005 02:01:23 PM Author: a straight male I have gotten my dick sucked by both men and woman and I have to agree here. Women seem better at it on average. It baffles the mind! Subject: Let's slam. Date: Feb 12 2005 06:21:25 AM Author: waggers Best. Article. Ever. Thoroughly charming - one day these four mighty coital pioneers will be admired in the fashion of Magellan and Cousteau. Subject: Sam not a homo, contest is rediculous Date: Feb 12 2005 01:02:40 AM Author: Raversnuffy What the hell did this turn into? It was about who gives the best blow job, not if Sam was gay, which he wasn't. As a guy who sucks dick, I have come accross quite a few males who will not want to touch a dick, but have no problems with getting a blow job from a guy. They are not gay. As for what gender gives the best blow jobs, it depends on the individual, not the gender. I have had some horrible blow jobs, and then others that would make me cum right away. Why not interview a bisexual guy who happens to be a big slut and slept with both guys and girls... Subject: man sex Date: Feb 11 2005 10:29:36 PM Author: Tom Cruise Is it fair to put a poet up against a Malaysian sex worker (for life)? I don't think so. Experiment inconclusive. You need more subjects. And receiving a blowjob from a gay man does not make a straight man gay. It just makes him adventurous. Even though I doubt that many gay men are offering. On the whole, Vice has gone out of it's way to disparage gay men. What's yer problem? Subject: serious homophobia Date: Feb 11 2005 10:14:02 PM Author: dr_queerlove i'm shocked. did you people just crawl out of holes or something? take a look at the recent Time Out New York. it has a story on what is queer. basically, everyone is screwing everyone else and liking it. Subject: Biology Lesson Date: Feb 11 2005 09:40:32 PM Author: Charles Hatcher "So that's that—girls suck better cock than gays. It's a good thing, too, because if men had continued to waste their precious seed inside other men, the human race could have ended up extinct within, say, 2,000 years." The last time I checked, procreation wasn't achievable through oral sex, regardless of the blower's sex. Subject: homo Date: Feb 11 2005 04:55:06 PM Author: " if a so called "man" let another man suck his dick then he is just as a homo as the dick sucker. this shit is fucking disgusting. i damn near threw up reading this shit. all of these nut suckers can go to hell. and that thing from malaysia is a shim Subject: mm hmmm Date: Feb 11 2005 03:26:30 PM Author: ktld i agree -- clearly avalon was not born genetically male. it's so dang obvious. and clearly not 26 either. yer gonna have to do it over. Subject: haha Date: Feb 11 2005 02:54:48 PM Author: jesse in your face fag! Subject: bona fide Date: Feb 11 2005 01:34:09 PM Author: carbon_fiber Is that how u spell it? Subject: bandana Date: Feb 11 2005 10:13:08 AM Author: huh why the bandana? man's face is right there in the headshot, tweakbrows and all Subject: Yank Wank Date: Feb 11 2005 07:38:42 AM Author: Hank This shit is inconclusive. The woman "from Malaysia" clearly either has a dick of her own (shemale) or used to have one. And since when have poets been good at anything? Vice intentionally set out to 'disprove' the "old chestnut" so they could safely continue fantasizing of sucking on Hitler's cock, all while having to reassure themselves "It's just being ironic. Ironic, that’s all.” Not looking forward to the next crappy Sex issue when Vice states "Men like to fuck ass. Which feels better to fuck -- the tight, smooth muscle bubble-butt of a man or the flabby, cellulite ass of a woman?" Subject: bj Date: Feb 11 2005 05:34:08 AM Author: 39 Sam has the best facial expression in the first picture. Subject: f Date: Feb 10 2005 07:48:42 PM Author: e my t-cell count dropped just reading this. ...and 26 years old my ass! bitch is crill! Subject: Correction Date: Feb 10 2005 06:40:10 PM Author: innocent observer Sam is no longer straight. Don't even try to pull that Latin "Hey, I wasn't sucking it" crap. Your dick anywhere in another man=homo.