The White Stripes
Live Under Blackpool Lights
XL
It's been said before, but has anybody in the whole history of indie rock had a better rack than Meg White? And how about Jack's package? It's fucking huge. Can you imagine the epic tit wanks Meg would give Jack's huge throbbing whanger when they wanted a bit of a break from practicing? After she finished him off by licking his ass while he slapped his cock on her forehead and wrapped her dark tresses around it, he'd probably jet gallons of cum all over her big, firm, beautiful melons while she licked it off and swirled it round her delicious, pink, erect nipples, which are the same color and taste as the cotton candy they sell in heaven. What a fucking band!
CRAPPER ANDERSON
Slayer
Still Reigning: Reign in Blood
Universal
Is it fun to watch a Slayer live show in the comfort of your own front room? Maybe it is if you're in a band and want to steal some stage moves or study how Tom Araya holds the audience in the palm of his hand. Even if the show is the whole of Reign in Blood back to back, it's still a bit gay, no?
Surely the whole point of watching Slayer live is to experience first-hand the sights, sounds, and smells of 1,000 drunken older-brother guys in cutoff combat shorts wrestling with each other in a big pit of beer and sweat and barely suppressed homoeroticism. I looked on the extras of this DVD to see if there was some kind of portal into hell that could transport me into the thick of the action, but all that was there were some lame interviews and a "making of" section.
BUGZ MACGILLICUTTY
The slew of new grime DVDs currently being sold door-to-door in East London may or may not have something to do with the huge cache of DV-cams hijacked from a truck in Heathrow late last year. I'm just saying.
Following the classic Lord of the Mics and Lord of the Decks series come Practice Hours and Risky Roadz. It's all here, from crews telling each other to "suck their mums" (N.A.S.T.Y Crew vs. Bashy Crew), which is a diss that can actually get you killed in UK prisons, to some of the most incredible and rawest freestyles, delivered live from the hood, aka East London. Grime superstar Dizzee Rascal even pops up on Risky Roadz, making his first appearance in the hood since taking part in last year's Band Aid single with Chris Martin and Dido. The kid's got BALLS.
JERK MALERK
