DOS & DON'TS
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| It's wrong to judge gays. You don't know what they go through. It's like, just because you've taken a big shit once or twice doesn't mean you know what it's like to have a big black cock go in and out of your behind. If you really want to know what's going on in the mind of the gays, get in their fucking pants. I don't mean make out with them at the drive-in—I mean literally get your body inside the pants of the guy and see how it feels. Not until you've spent the day walking around in a gay man's pants can you truly say, "God hates faggots." |
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| Silver sequined fanny pack, French shirt, feather earrings, and a bit of leg can only mean one thing: She just got out of that "anti-fashion, big glasses and sarcastic sneakers" college phase and has finally realized that putting on high heels and actually trying is not a sign that the fascists have won. |
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How "Putting on the Ritz" is this? She's so graceful and dapper, right down to the white gloves. It's like it's 1925 and she's the prime minister of hand jobs. |
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| If you don't think men like floppy boobs and a bit of chunk, why don't you roast them chocolate almond brown like a Christmas peanut, then splash some salty water on them and see what we say? That's right, we can't even talk. |
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Fuck those Rockers rastas who think they're so great just because they wear a striped tea cozy over an orange Girl Scouts shirt. The new shit is the "girl who got out of bed in the middle of the night to go to the store for more cigarettes and just grabbed whatever she could find in the dark" look. Gyal dem flex! |
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| Holy fucking shit. Winner of the best couple award. Could they be any cooler, please? Freddie Mercury and Glenda Danzig but with a more pasty alcoholic UK vibe. Like their genitalia is all black hairs and flourescent white skin. Goddammit, they're so rude you almost have to put them in a condom. |
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| Ever get so horny you turn into Ernest Goes to Camp and fanatically bust your nut in less than a minute? What are you supposed to do after that? Say sorry? What are you, George Costanza? Lucky for you, this girl basically has a tattoo that encourages such behaviour. Just shrug your shoulders and point to it and get on with your day. |
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It's funny when girls wear tiny skirts in bars and do jokey sex poses, because we can all have a good laugh and then, when nobody else is looking, run to the bathroom and beat off like it's putting out a fire (which I guess it kind of is). |
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| We're pitching this new show to MTV called "Chink My Ride" where we take whatever shitty bike you have, add crazy handlebars, and give it to an Asian pimp. You don't get your bike back, but it's like a homeless guy giving you his cat—it's in a better place now. |
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Dear Racists,
So this makes you barf? These are mud babies, are they? What do you do, chop your dick off before debating with me? These girls look so tropical and fun you could basically go TO them for your vacation and spend the whole time lounging around on their bodies and playing in their hair with your friends. |
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