One time, as an "experiment," I put a personal ad on Nerve.com. (I know, I know.) One of the profile questions is "What music puts you ‘in the mood'." I answered stoner metal, duh. The best response came from a lawyer whose favorite movie was Secretary. In his picture, he had on a polar-fleece vest and a giant iguana draped over his shoulders. "What's stoner metal?" he wrote. "Sounds like an oxymoron! BTW, IMHO NIN is the best make-out music." In case you don't speak interweb language, that means, "By the way, in my humble opinion, Nine Inch Nails is the best make out music." I LOL'd for days.

But you know, it got me thinking: What IS stoner metal? And is it an oxymoron? Just kidding—I don't give a fuck. Stoner metal is the best make-out music, High on Fire are the kings of stoner metal, and the dudes in it are hot.
I talked to singer/guitarist Matt Pike while he was where any epic metal god should be—on the road, in a van.

VICE: Did you know that you're a heavy-metal sex symbol?

Matt: I had no idea. I guess I have stalkers here and there. There are definitely hot girls that hit on me, and I can't say I haven't had my bad-boy times. It's nothing like Mötley Crüe or anything, but I've seen some weird shit, like a girl screwing herself with a bottle. I'll never look at a Bud longneck the same way again. But really, I'm over the man-hoe thing. I'm a good boy on the road now.

Do you put your hair back in a ponytail when you're doing it?

Never. My girl hates ponytails.

Do you have any sex tips to share with our readers?

Don't be afraid to be an ass licker.

Are you into role-playing at all?

Our drummer Des is into the Dirty Burglar. The girl leaves the east window open at 10 PM and he comes in with a ski mask and rapes her or whatever. Then there's the Dirty Pirate, where you give the girl web-eye, kick her in the shin, and run away.

Wait, what's web-eye?

You shoot a wad in her eye. Then after you kick her and run away, you turn around, and she looks like an angry pirate chasing you with one eye and a stump leg.

ANGIE NERVER
High on Fire's Blessed Black Wings is out now on Relapse.

COMMENTS

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Subject: haha Date: Aug 20 2005 06:42:29 AM Author: horny pirate hahahahahahahahaaaaaaah... how do you get a guy to play dirty pirate with you? it's not all that popular Subject: pirates Date: Aug 12 2005 04:03:17 PM Author: man with no face the guy on the right wants to trade his friend for some more crack...or maybe he wants to shave those side burns off for that they become a nuisance during pirate sex.(pirate sex being sticking your dink in another pirates ear...! the man with no face. Subject: hey Date: Mar 31 2005 12:31:36 PM Author: http://udargroma.org that 'conan' approach really works well for HoF.. that's oh so true.. and EyeHateGod were and still are fucking great... samo for Sleep... all three bands rule... <gazda> Subject: eyehategod is entry-level bullshit Date: Mar 06 2005 08:32:09 PM Author: ultra you don't know shit about shit - eyehategod is crap, washed out bullshit. besides, SLEEP was contemporary to eyehategod, and was way better as well. HOF is just a continuation of their devastation. fuck off, fuckin' idiot. Subject: darrr Date: Mar 05 2005 04:00:18 PM Author: George Good call Joffrey. Those "What's grosser than gross?" type of stories/jokes are popular with 6th grade boys and 30-year old guys who are still mentally in the 6th grade. I'd apply my Psych 101 learnin' here to surmise that 6th grade boys are scared and intimidated by their sexuality and terrified of girls' sexuality -- talk of periods, girls' breasts developing, etc. Vaginas that swallow weiners -- according to Freud. Boys are also scared that things are happening without their consent -- they have wet dreams, get woodies that pop up at inconvenient times, their voices crack, etc. so they - in their jokes - punish the female by tricking/hurting/controlling her for their lack of control over their own bodies. Subject: EYEHATEGOD Date: Mar 05 2005 12:17:42 AM Author: D Fox you idiot. EYEHATEGOD are the fucking kings of stoner rock and High on Fire sucks their jock. Subject: High on Fire Date: Mar 02 2005 07:11:08 PM Author: Fan Q: Conan, what is best in life? A: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women. Sums up a High on Fire show. Subject: Unpleasant dose of reality Date: Feb 28 2005 10:31:48 PM Author: Joffrey All those depraved sex acts like "Angry Pirate," "Blumpkin," and "Dirty Sanchez" are not real. 14 year old boys who think mostly about sex, gross stuff, and hurting women make them up. Here we are, with idiots who don't know any better retelling them. The way these stories are passed around, you'd think everyone and their best friend were punching women in the face and them shooting their load on it to create a "Jelly Donut." Dan Savage wrote it himself in his column, and I am going to trust him before I do any of the morons on the viceland comments. Subject: poop Date: Feb 19 2005 01:53:22 PM Author: poop try the cajin hotstick, when your getting head right before you pop pul out spit your dip juice on your dick and stick it back in her mouth. spicey! Subject: Arrrr, matey Date: Feb 15 2005 12:59:25 PM Author: SlutPuppy Ahoy. Subject: The Rodeo Date: Feb 14 2005 04:27:40 PM Author: JohnnyRed We have heard that one too many times the rodeo fuck is funny, but the pirate is even funnier. I personally enjoy the rusty trombone... That is when a girl eats ur ass and reaches around and plays with the donger... think about it poofters. Subject: lady pirate Date: Feb 14 2005 12:53:31 AM Author: ha ahhh hahahahah. how would i ask for that? Subject: Blacken Your Web Eye. Date: Feb 12 2005 07:59:48 PM Author: Dirty Jase 7734 Yeah!!! High On Fuckin' Fire,bro!!! Dude,that's sooo Ferarri!!! Subject: FUCKIN FUNNY SO FUCK YOU Date: Feb 11 2005 05:22:12 PM Author: 3507321C THAT DIRTY PIRATE SHIT IS FUCKIN HILARIOUS !!!!!! THAT SHITS WAY FUNNIER THAN A RODEO FUCK. WHATS A RODEO FUCK YOU ASK, WELL. YOU NEED A REAL PRISSY ASS MY SHIT DON'T STINK BITCH YOU BEEN WORKIN ON FOR AWHILE, WHEN YOUR FINALLY IN THERE AND WORKIN IT NICE N GENTLEMAN LIKE YOU GET HER INTO DOGGY GRAB HER HAIR N TELL HER SHES THE UGLIEST DIRTIEST SLUT YOUVE EVER FUCKED, THEN WHEN SHE TRIES TO STOP N GET AWAY YOU JUST HOLD ON TO HER HAIR N RIDE HER LIKE A BUCKIN BRONCO. Subject: whoa Date: Feb 11 2005 02:34:25 PM Author: dude holy shit the dirty pirate. i gotta try that Subject: Shut up. Date: Feb 10 2005 10:33:35 PM Author: Albrino It's sad that you have no sense of humour Subject: huh Date: Feb 10 2005 09:41:42 PM Author: decroaded crap its sad that www.somethingawful.com has better writing than vice.