DOS & DON'TS

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Who knew all it took to become the entire female world’s worst nightmare was an undershirt, one of those iron-on thingies you put in your printer, and a little dose of Radical Honesty? Comments/Enlarge | See all

		DEAR DIARY Entry: November 1998

		DEAR DIARY Entry: 1991

		DEAR DIARY Entry: September 1997

		DEAR DIARY Entry: November 1994

FROM THIS ISSUE

		DOS & DON'TS It's wrong to judge gays. You don't know ...

		PICTURES OF YOU A Life in Hookers

		GAYS OR GIRLS? Slobbing the Knob for Science

		GROSS JAR The saga of the second Gross Jar continue...

ALSO BY LESLEY ARFIN

		DEAR DIARY Entry: April 1996, part 1

		DEAR DIARY Entry: Spring 1994

		DEAR DIARY Entry: December 1994

		THE VICE GUIDE TO SURVIVING JUNI... Adidas is cool. It's always cool, but mak...

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IN THE MAGAZINE

DEAR DIARY

Make-out list: 1990-1997

Because this is the Sex Issue, I decided I would copy down my "sex" list. It's actually more of a make-out list because I only had sex with that last person. The asterixes are for bases.
* means first base, ** means second and/or sloppy second,
*** means hand job. This list is from the years 1990-1997.
1. Todd Lieberman* 2. Kris Carter** 3. Collin Clauss*** 4. Jeremy Tamari* 5. Scott Tessler* 6. Kris Hamburger** 7. Brendan Lynch* 8. Scott Horowitz** 9. Carlo Seitz*** 10. Blake Goldsmith* 11. Devin Ward* 12. Vinnie Corrigan* 13. Ben Van Dyke* 14. Tim Williams* 15. Jeff Eienhorn* 16. Joe Bendan** 17. Cynthia Maurino* 18. Sheri Archidacono* 19. Josh Slater* 20. Michael Nagin**

2005
The list ends with No. 20, the boy who took my virginity. Before that, it was all running bases, and I didn't run very far. I gave out a few hand jobs and let a few boys touch my boobs.

Kris Carter was my first real boyfriend, and he was the worst kid in school. He bullied me into going out with him. Everyone was afraid of him. We nicknamed him Boar, because he reminded us of a wild boar or the Tasmanian Devil. We'd be like "Uh-oh, Carter is boaring out again." I met him at the Broadway Mall, and he asked for my number. I thought he was kinda cute, but when he called me on the phone he was like, "You're pretty, but why are your tits so small?" After that ultimate snap and a stolen Black Sheep CD, I dumped him.

Kris Hamburger kissed me on a diving board, and as he went to drag me closer, my ass scraped hard against whatever diving boards are made of. I'm fucking bleeding down my thighs while this kid is trying to shove his sloppy tongue down my throat. I had the biggest crush on Devin Ward, who kissed me outside in the freezing snowy weather and told me that I couldn't come in because his girlfriend was sitting in the kitchen. Everyone thought Jeff Eienhorn was gay, but he kissed me at Michelle Goldsmith's bat mitzvah, and I felt so cool for converting him. Cynthia and Sheri? I kissed them at my first rave.

I thought there was something wrong with me for so many years because I couldn't come and sex hurt. My first time wasn't even my first time. It hurt so much I was like, "No fucking way that beast is going to fit inside of me." It took a lot of years and a lot of beers for me to get over that pain. Now that I want to blaze, like, everyday, guys are like, "M'eh." I remember having a freakout a few years ago and telling my mom that I didn't like sex. She said, "Honey, it's not you. Men just don't know what they're doing." Best advice I've ever been given.

LESLEY ARFIN

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Anonymous, on Nov 10, 2009 wrote: Dear Vice, I’d gladly pay you Tuesday for a Hamburger today. -Kip Hamnurgler

Anonymous, on Nov 9, 2009 wrote: Consider yourself served by The Hamburglar

Anonymous, on Nov 2, 2009 wrote: I dispute the information contain herein. As a result of the author’s omissions I may be adversely affected and consider this a slanderous and erroneous account of events. The corporation and author responsible for posting my name without contacting me first for permission or confirmation of supposed facts is therefore liable for any damages this may cause at any level of the law should this information not be removed immediately To avoid potential litigation please respond to bellaicon@msn.com -Kris Hamburger

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