TIDBITS

BONDAGE MASK
If you're trying to hang your wife upside down and fit a banana in her ass but you don't have a thing to wear, go to any 24-hour dollar store. They all sell bondage masks. Could these guys be bigger perverts please?

FATSO AMERICAN DOLL
When you turn this on, aerobics music starts pumping in the background and the guy doesn't seem to be doing anything. After about 30 seconds you notice he just lifted his legs up about a tenth of an inch. That's how they see us. Fat and lazy pieces of shit that never exercise. Who knew those slanty eyes could see so much?

VARIOUS SHIT GEAR
Anyone can get a poo wand and a giant fart hammer that makes "ppppph" noises when you bang it, but you ain't shit in Tokyo until you strap a gigantic plush shit hat to your head.

VERY LONG NOSE HAIR FAKE NOSE
Who is this toy making fun of? At least Groucho Marx is a real guy. Maybe Korn will look like this in another 30 years and our investment will have paid off, but until then, WTF?

PERPETUAL FLAPPING SOLAR PLANT
The only thing the U.S. Patent Office refuses to give a patent for is any kind of perpetual motion machine. Well bad news, Mr. ThoughtYouKnewPhysics, this thing is solar-powered so it doesn't need batteries or water or anything but sunlight and the ability to avoid any kind of friction. In your face, Newton!

BANNED DVDs
One of the best things about going to a faraway country is finding DVDs that are banned here. Finally we can watch the incestuous gay blowjob scene in Ken Park and have a good long wank.

BABY HAND SLEEP MASK
There's two problems with this thing. One, it's skin-colored (plain skin) so it doesn't really block out any light. Two, what is this, Godsend? I'm supposed to sleep while a soft child holds my eyes shut? These things are so scary they ought to come with brown pajama bottoms, if you know what I mean.

WATER GUN WITH HOLSTER
Japan's also good for getting your basic toy staples that have become impossible to find over here. When was the last time you saw a good quality water pistol that doesn't leak and fits perfectly on your belt? Now you can run around like Sid and Nancy in Sid & Nancy and shoot each other like you're Sid and Nancy.

KAMIKAZE HEAD BAND
It's fun to wear this around Roppongi because all the white dudes who moved to Japan because they couldn't get laid at home get totally freaked out. They stare at you incredulously like, "Dude, you're blowing it. You have to be low key like me and dress like that Saturday Night Live movie Night at the Roxbury but with more gel." At which point you yell PAAAARRRTY! right in their tiny-dicked faces (fuck those losers).

YELLING ALARM CLOCK
This guy wakes you up with Japanese quotes like, "Aw, c'mon are you still in bed? What is the matter with you?" and "Get out of bed, you ass! This is my last communication." He's got about 40 different messages of encouragement, but the only one we didn't need translated was a very serious and very English, "Wake up you fucking fag!"