NEWSLETTER


DOS & DON'TS

I’m starting to think that the septum ring and the surface piercings and the connector chains and the filthy camo shirt with Discharge patches holding together the shoulder are all pretty integral to the overall shaved-headed look. When you take them away you just sort of look like you’re on your way home from concentration camp. Comments/Enlarge | See all


Rave sucks, but when you’re stuck in there, tripping your balls off, catching sight of this and becoming so transfixed with it that you start developing religious theories about asses, it actually starts to make perfect sense. Comments/Enlarge | See all






RELATED ARTICLES

RUSSIAN ROULETTE
The Children of Soviet AIDS
SCENE REPORT
Columbus, Ohio
VICE COMICS
By Sam Henderson
SAFE TO DANCE
If They Don't Dance Well, They're No Frie...



FROM THIS ISSUE

TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART
SUNN O))) Share the Light
YOU MAKE SHIRTS TOO?
Wowch Train Cats to do Wierd Shit
HOT FOR TEACHER
What It Is
POCKETS DUMB FAT
A couple of months ago in his Skinema col...

DOS & DON'TS




TOKYO SPECIAL
Girls don't masturbate the way we do. Instead of playing out a scene where the upstairs neighbor comes down to borrow milk and ends up sucking your dick in the bathroom, they're more into focusing on a color or a nice song or even an undulating golden air sculpture that flows in the wind. That's what's so brilliant about this guy's hair. It is literally the inside of a girl's brain masturbating.

Remember at the beginning of "Punk's Not Dead" when Wattie from The Exploited goes, "Don't youse hate Crass? Crass are a bunch of fucking wankers. They don't believe in Anarchy and Chaos. I believe! In Anarchy!" That moment affected a lot of people. Even baby chinks. While you're creaming your jeans about a Slayer shirt on eBay from 1983, Japanese kids are getting shirts so out there you don't even know. Like some esoteric oil sheik in Iraq that made shirts of himself for all the crazy asslickers who worship him—they wear that on laundry day.

In France Napoleon is a hero. In America he's a loser. In America Einstein is a brainy German. In Japan he's an evil Jew that came up with a formula to turn a bunch of kamikazes into warm air and birth defects. That's why he's always holding a barrel of radioactive waste in a thunderstorm. That is also why this shirt DESTROYS the sheik shirt. With flip flops this would just look kind of lazy. Throw some Chucks in the mix and it's "longtime girlfriend" fun. But matching orange stilettos? That's a level of hot so fucking high not even a good raping could put out the fire.

How badass is their working class? That's their shitty clothes? A pair of ninja boots and some mountie pants with some weird wrist things for deflecting bullets? There's like the fighter and the bomb expert and the getaway guy and Plasticman or some shit. What do these "construction workers" build all day anyway, the fucking Justice League? Holy shit.

We emphasized the corner so you could see the surfer (can nips be surfers?) dad and the twin brother. These guys were ollying and acting so tough that when they went by we bowed really low and started going, "Moshi Moshi Domo Moshi Domo" like a bunch of subservient pedophiles. Full sleeves on girls are a bit much. It's better when they have just one tiny thing on their arm. Not a dolphin on their ankle or a stupid lacey design on their lower backs (why couldn't Scott have thrown that Lacey into the bay instead?), just a nice little rainbow that says, "I may be 34 but I'm still Daddy's girl deep down."

It's nice to see women on the beach who aren't ashamed to make jokes about their weight. She obviously knows she's a gigantic and hideous fat cow, but her personality is so good she can just throw a whale on her tits and laugh it off. Fuck are fat chicks ever funny. There's nothing better than going to the other end of the world and hearing a band that makes the MC5 sound like Enya. When you find out they're actually visiting Tokyo from Beijing (nips hate chinks worse than gooks) it's like seeing the Bad Brains rock your sister's Bat Mitzvah.


< PREV

READ/POST COMMENTS