 HOT FOR TEACHER
What It Is"Oh, wow, man, I said / Wait a second, man / What do you think the teacher's gonna look like this year? / Fuck man!"
This is Van Halen as kids and they're just like they are as adults. Horny and ballsy and like, party guys.
"T-T-teacher stop that screamin' / Teacher don't you see? ...
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  BY DESIGN
As computers have put the power to publish into everyone's hands, more and more schooled graphic designers are finding themselves surrounded by artists who switched to the dark side of commercial design. I won't pretend that's not me. Since most of us are self-taught, we're forced to look outside of...
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 AMERICAN HISTORY X'D
Correcting the Lies You're ToldAs Howard Zinn, Chuck D, and Zack de le Rocha have said countless times before, all that shiznit they taught you in school about Columbus and the earth being a sphere and all that other Eurocentric shit are nothing but a bunch of lies. So was most of that "math" crap (when we supposed to use that...
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 DEAR DIARY
Entry: September 1997September 1997
I saw a cute hip hop guy who was just on my hall but we haven't spoken so we'll see. Tomorrow I officially start school. College. College?? I'm kind of nervous. I want to do so well and love my shit to death but I also want to have lots of fun. Not even go to raves so much...
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 THE BEST ACADEMIC WRITING OF 2004
America's Students ShineEvery year (or maybe just this year and never again), Vice pledges a giant "hello" to the magna cum laude of America's high schools. This time around, we'll be focusing on the English Literature classes of Queens and Brooklyn, motherfuckers....
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 DOS & DON'TS
Girls don't masturbate the way we do. Instead of playing out a scene where the upstairs neighbor comes down to borrow milk and ends up sucking your dick in the bathroom, they're more into focusing on a color or a nice song or even an undulating golden air sculpture that flows in the wind. That's wha...
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 TRENCHCOAT MAFIA
The NEA Is Here to Shoot Up Your ClassroomIn Sacramento recently they threatened to destroy anyone who opposed them, even an eight-year-old boy (a lawsuit is pending). In Indiana they hired a tire slasher to become one of their members and he immediately got to work destroying any car owner that stood in the way. In Michigan they killed a p...
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 TEACHERS ARE STUPID
I Should Know. I Am One.After 17 years of living in a zoo (being a public school teacher), I've carved out a niche for myself–I only teach "gifted" children. My class contains 17 girls (all Asian) and four boys. Only one of them isn't Asian. (I'm including India and Pakistan here.)
I'm new to this world. Confused ...
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 I WANT MY DVDS
Beetle Uncensored, The Damn! Show, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Volume Two...
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 TEACHERS AREN'T STUPID
I Should Know. I Am One.Sweeping generalizations, backed by mere opinion, don't hold much validity as far as I am concerned. There is not much depth in the claim that teachers are "stupid." After reading the comment about teachers being stupid many questions arose: How do you define stupid? Are teachers really stupid? Why ...
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 HIPPY FASCISTS
The Day Intellectuals Became LazyMichael Moore can be irritating at times. Bowling for Columbine was an inaccurate turd of a film, but it's hard to find fault with Fahrenheit 9/11. Unfortunately, when critics discuss Moore all they can come up with is what a fat pig he is. Or when Bush is criticized, one of the most common traits p...
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 POCKETS DUMB FAT
A couple of months ago in his Skinema column, the dun Chris Nieratko–known for "pussy demolishing" and ordering six-packs of beer during snowstorms from delivery guys desperate for the money–put me on blast for my hip-hop scholarship, but also made the very worthwhile suggestion that perhaps I shoul...
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 IRON BOY
Life in Judas Priest's ClassWhen I was in junior high school, I was like a prop for everyone else's humor. It was understood that I would bear the brunt of any joke and it would be perfectly socially acceptable to rip on me. So I developed this real antipathy for everything around me. It was basically a "Fuck all of you" situa...
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 SKINEMA
Has anyone ever thrown you a surprise party? If so, you're lucky. It seems like such a nice gesture; a real display of love and caring. To think someone would go to all that trouble to make sure you were happy... it's very special. ...
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 TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART
SUNN O))) Share the LightThere is heavy, like Slayer, where you bang your head and wonder how the fuck he can play that riff so fast and then still make it back to the other riff without breaking his wrist. And that's cool. That's all well and good....
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 TIDBITS
Tokyo Special!FATSO AMERICAN DOLL
When you turn this on, aerobics music starts pumping in the background and the guy doesn't seem to be doing anything. After about 30 seconds you notice he just lifted his legs up about a tenth of an inch. That's how they see us. Fat and lazy pieces of shit that never ...
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 GOT A CRUSH ON YOU
Jukeboxer Lies to Grown-upsIf grade-school music teachers had brains, they would be playing Jukeboxer for their classes instead of fucking "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." That shit won't teach you anything. Jukeboxer, however, could teach children a lot. It can teach them self-motivation (Jukeboxer is essentially one man, Brooklyn...
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 HEAR ME NOW!
Ms. Thing Teaches The Children WellFor those of us who still have the biggest crush on Patra, it's time to move on. Jamaica's got a new rudegal sex goddess, and her name is Ms. Thing. And she's 17 years old. And she's pregnant. You've heard her win everybody's heart by singing, "I want a dude who will do me in his van, I want a dude ...
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 INSTITUTIONALIZED
There's No College in HereDue to the war on drugs, I was sentenced to a mandatory-minimum 25-year sentence in federal prison when I was 22 years old. I've been in here for nine years now, and I've spent every day trying to improve, rehabilitate, and educate myself. At first, I figured the best way to go about it would be to ...
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 FREE SHYNE!
Holding It Down Behind BarsIf there's one thing in the world that will make you believe in karma, it's rap music. 50 gets shot, he blows up. Now that he's all blown up, he's about to fall off. Ma$e blows up, everybody hates him, and he retires. Now he makes a comeback and everybody's giddy. And then there's Shyne Po. He never...
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 MUCKING ABOUT
The Most Important Lessons To LearnWhat the fuck do you do all day at school? I mean, A Levels and GCSEs are getting easier every year and no one fails them any more. There's nowhere to do sport because every playing field has been sold to a supermarket. And no one gets taught because all the teachers are crackheads who buy rocks off...
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 ELECTRIC INDEPENDENCE
One of the best things about being a teacher is the long paid holidays you get, especially in the summer. If you teach at a public school, the time off is crazy, plus all the kids at those places are mostly well-brought-up types who don't cause you much hassle and do their work on time, so it's not ...
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 LESSONS IN LOVE
Chromeo Used To Be Best EnemiesI first met my BUDDY Dave One at Stanislas High School, Montreal, about ten years ago. I have to say I didn't like him one bit.
At the time I was into hip hop and Dave was more into rock so before we met we were in rival groups. It was the fresh hip hop kids and the dirty rock kids, so we h...
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 OLD SCHOOL
Mannekin Piss Unlearn the RulebookMannekin Piss is a lesson to all the poor confused hardcore bands who run out of inspiration after two EPs and turn into either an art project or sign a bad deal with a label and release three uninspiring albums because the contract says they have to.
The San Diego four piece's sound harks ...
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 GAMES
Shellshock: Nam '67, Tiger Woods 2005Shellshock: Nam '67
Developer: Guerrilla
Publisher: Eidos
Plaform: PS2, Xbox, PC
Marks: 6
In Shellshock: Nam '67, Eidos have tried to tackle the topic of the Vietnam War in video game format. ...
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 GRIMEWATCH
Are the majors about to consign grime to the shit heap?...
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 SHOT GUN
My Little Brother Sits Up FrontMy little brother Ed likes to draw guns; in fact amazingly accurate and detailed pictures of all kinds of guns. Ed makes other children's psychosis art seem lady-boy lame-o and he shits all over them because he's the real deal. His drawings are so good that even the mistakes he tries to rub out are ...
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 THE HARDIS THING FOR ME TO DO
I Started School on My 21st BirthdayApproximately twenty percent of Australians between 15 and 47 are illiterate. That means we have 2,607,400 dumb people living in our midst. Most of these illiterate losers sit around thinking about maybe one day starting to maybe begin to learn how to read and write a little bit. ...
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 YOU MAKE SHIRTS TOO?
Wowch Train Cats to do Wierd ShitMax and Matt are from Columbus, Ohio. Despite this they turned out pretty clever. Well, clever enough to hightail it to New York and create WOWCH, a t-shirt label designed for fat kids who litter and people who piss themselves over 'baby falling off swing-set' segments on television blooper shows. Y...
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 BRING THE NOISE
Wolfmother Revive Faith in MusicYou know those friends at high school who would constantly rabbit on about some new 'awesome' band that 'you just had to check out'? Then when you bothered to do so, they were invariably shit and sounded nothing like you were promised? Well my friends never got over that and when a mate began pontif...
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 NURSERY CRIMES
Pre-Teen Braves Sing About SchoolOccasionally a band comes along so perfect, original and unaffected that rabid scenesters can only watch in disbelief as the words, "why didn't I think of that" spill from clenched teeth and mental notes are made to be more honest and naive. The Pre-Teen Braves are such a phenomenon. They sound like...
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 DOOMS DAY DISCO
People who live outside of Scandinavia think that Norwegian music is made exclusively by face-painted, axe-wielding Nazis or by rich homos with expensive laptops and five haircuts on one head. Wrong!
Over the last couple of years, some amazing experimental music has emerged in this country....
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