NEWSLETTER

DOs & DON'Ts—Dishes
If you live in a house with a bunch of people, you need a nail in the wall by the kitchen sink that has all your names stuck to it. Like, if there's five of you then you write everyone's name on a separate piece of paper, punch a hole in the top and hang the papers on the nail. If your name is on the top, you do whatever dishes are in the sink, then you can move your name to the back. You have to do whatever dishes are in the sink whenever your name is at the front, whether it's one bowl or a whole sinkful. Of course, if you're really tenacious, you will do your turn the second your name makes it to the front. That's not cheating. That's how the rule was designed. If all five of you acted the same way, the sink would always be empty and the roaches would be bummed.

DOs & DON'Ts GREATEST HITS

The results for the Cutest Motherfucker in the World Awards just came in, and that 4-year-old Japanese punk kid from our Summer Kids Issue is sweeping up every category. It's almost dangerous, because girls scream and pinch him so hard it hurts him a bit. Geez.

She's into black dudes because her golf-obsessed ex-husband never ate her ass. He's into white girls because he's black. Together, they have sex that's so raunchy it makes 18-year-old homeless prostitutes gasp in disbelief.

A lot of old Chinese people are really, really rich. How'd they get that way? Brainwashing the youth into buying candy and weird bowls and things. Fuck that. It's time to take our money back and then blow their heads off. That's a DO.

DOs & DON'Ts—Friend quotas
You need to have at least one black friend, unless you're black, and then you have to have at least one white friend. You don't have to have any Puerto Rican friends, because nobody does. Everyone has to have at least one old friend (more than 10 years older than you). You don't have to have any friends who are kids, but if you do there's nothing wrong with having them sleep in your bed.

Men are not allowed to say the term "best friend." They are not even allowed to think of their closest friend as their best friend, because that involves rating your friends from best to worst, and that is for girls.

DOs & DON'Ts—Xing
If someone jeopardizes your job, your relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend, your relationship with your family, or your home, they are to be Xed and never spoken to again. For example, if someone tells your boyfriend you cheated on him, that person is now Xed for life. If you go to a bar and that person is there drinking a beer, you don't see him. All you see is a beer floating in mid-air, tipping slightly, and then going back down. We wouldn't even be surprised if you went to pick up his chair because you thought there was nobody sitting there (but don't do that because it will look like you're trying to make up).

There is also such a thing as partial Xs. Like if you were really counting on someone to help you out and they let you down, you can still speak to them again but just hold the X deep inside your heart. If they ever ask you for any help on anything, you will then smile and say, "I don't think so." If they argue, you reach inside your heart, pull out the partial X, and hold it in their face screaming, "I will never forget that time when you did that thing!"

DOs & DON'Ts—Being a guest
You are saving about $150 a night on hotel fees, so as a guest you have to buy as many rounds as possible when out, refuse to accept any drinks from your host, buy toilet paper, do all the dishes (even the ones that aren't yours), keep your stuff in your suitcase and out of the way, and finally, leave after three days. You should leave a bottle of wine for the person as a thank-you gift. If this sounds like a lot, you are a piece of shit. Before going to visit someone, you have to budget at least $80 a day. Your host is doing you a great service by putting you up and you should try to pay back that saved hotel fee at every opportunity.

DOs & DON'Ts—Borrowing
Stop borrowing shit. We forget that we loaned it to you and then when we really need it, we have no idea where it is. Then we end up having to go out and buy a new one. If you like Husbands and Wives, go rent it. You don't need this particular copy. And what's with asking to borrow porn? You can give away porn because you're sick of it, but borrowing porn is like taking a magazine out of someone's bathroom. It's rude and gross.

Now, it is occasionally permitted to borrow money from close friends when you're really, really fucked, but don't make it a habit. If you are in-between jobs but usually are doing pretty good for cash you can ask someone very close to help you out, but you have to pay it back within the month and you have to buy them dinner.

DOs & DON'Ts—Friends in bands
Do not call the band who you say you are friends with and try to get on the list two hours before the show. If they are in town and they are really friends with you, they will have already put you on the list.

If you are trying to get on a list, always offer to be on the pay list so it shows you really want to see the show and are not a shitty mooch. At least offer to support your friend's band.

If your friend is having a benefit concert do not ask to be on the list. Especially if it's to raise money for her cancer treatment.

If you are put on the guest list, do not blow off the show. It's not cool and the band will find out.

DOs & DON'TS—Being a straight shooter
This cuts both ways. You can neither be a pussy nor let your friend be a pussy.

The first goal is easily accomplished. Just don't take things personally. Nothing that anybody ever says to you is really about you. It's about them and whatever weird shit is in their head. This can be a bummer when someone says, "I love you," and you know what they are really saying is "I love the way that saying, ‘I love you' makes me feel," but it is a big help when some semi-friend is being a cunt to you about some weird thing that didn't even happen.

The second part of this is harder. You have to call people out on their bullshit. Don't be scared to do this. You never know––the person may actually appreciate it and respect you for it.

Like, if you're pissed at your roommate for eating your leftover filet mignon, don't hold it in and silently resent her forever. That is called being "passive aggressive" and it is the kind of thing that Jewish moms do.

Not everyone knows when you're pissed about something. They're too absorbed in their own shit to notice you stomping around and clanging the dishes extra-hard when you're washing them. You don't have to yell at the person, just be like, "Dude, you're a dick. I was totally saving that." Then they won't do it again. If they do, they are Xed.

DOs & DON'Ts—Dead friends
If someone asks how you are at a bar or a party, you are not allowed to reply, "Not too good. So-and-so just died." It's not only a bringdown—it's also a pathetic bid for attention. If you were really broken up about it, you wouldn't be out drinking and dancing to "Boys Don't Cry" at 2 a.m. The simple rules for mourning are as follows:

1. Don't go anywhere that is traditionally associated with fun until you are ready to not talk about your dead friend.

2. Don't claim pissing rights to a dead person's memory unless you have either spent at least 10 late nights or one weekend out of town with them, or had dinner with their parents.

DOs & DON'Ts—Ingratiating yourself to VIPs
Unless your name is Flandor, King of All Galaxies (yes, he does exist), there will always be somebody you'll meet who is more important and popular than you. The mistake a lot of people make is thinking the best way to ingratiate themselves to such people is by calling them a bad name or being way too familiar the second time they meet them.

For example, a mutual friend will introduce you to the important person again and say something like, "You remember Joe, right?" The more important guy goes, "Hey, Joe, how are you?" and then "Joe" (you) will fuck it up by going, "I'm alright, you fucking cunt! How's the alcoholism?" or something equally WTTTTFFFF??

Even 10 minutes of going, "I was only joking, mate," in the bathroom later on when you've done too much blow will not enable you to enter that person's friendship zone ever again. You have officially fucked it up forever.

DOs & DON'Ts—Just eat something
Be aware that you are a nicer person when you aren't really hungry.

DOs & DON'Ts—Fistfights
Dear tough guys, if someone bumps into you and does not apologize, you DO NOT have to throw down. Nor do you need to fight if someone "calls you out" by asking you to step outside. Even if someone is screaming in your face you should not hit them. What's the matter, you're not smart enough to make fun of the guy? Oh, you're not? OK, then the most we'll allow is for you to spit in his face or maybe slap him—that's it.

The only time you're allowed to really go for it is if someone physically attacks you. Of course, this gets a little tricky when someone grabs your girl's ass. If he's not apologetic, then yeah, you kind of have to break the above rule and go punch him in the face. Similarly, if a female you know gets attacked by her ex-boyfriend, like if he goes over to her house and totally trashes it and throws her around, you and all your friends have to get in the car and go find him and at least break his nose. If you don't do this, you are a woman.

DOs & DON'Ts—Subway etiquette
If you just missed the subway, make that joke where you act like you're about to have a heart attack you're so angry.

Also, give up your seat to very old people ("If their hair is gray, you can't stay"), pregnant women, and the handicapped. If you do give up your seat, it is a DON'T to make eye contact with any other riders as you do it. They will think you only want them to notice how great you are. You do NOT have to get up just because somebody is a woman. They need to pay the price for liberation sometimes.

Don't act as if you've exited the bowels of Alcatraz and are witnessing sunlight for the first time in 20 years when arriving at the top of the steps when leaving the subway. There are people behind you who'd like to keep moving, so don't yawn, turn on your phone, stretch or weave from side to side so no one can get past you. Additionally, don't try to finish up that cell-phone conversation on the way into the subway. You know how you love to pause on the stairs to fill someone in on how you can't afford to buy them fries, or how you'll be there in 10 minutes? Take that shit somewhere else.

If you are on the train and you see one of those poor motherfuckers in a dead sprint toward the closing subway doors, DO just fucking hold it for them, please. The MTA is lying: It will not delay other trains, and it's not "safer" just to wait for the next train—the conductor isn't going to gas it with some woman's leg hanging out of the car. Plus it'll give you this really cool man-over-machine triumph-type feeling.

DOs & DON'Ts—People in your neighborhood
Don't show off how you're friends with everyone in the neighborhood. It's just not really that impressive when you make a big show of saying hello to the Chinese man who washes your underwear for pennies.

DOs & DON'Ts—Cops
All policemen are tough guys who want to fight all the time, so when Mr. Rebel Punk Wannabe Guy starts giving them the drunken "fuck the pigs" cry outside a show, it really makes their day. Usually you're doing it to prove to a girl that behind the freshly bought Ramones T-shirt beats an insurrectionary heart. But when you yell at cops, they will arrest you, beat you up in the van, humiliate you, and make you sit in a cell with a real criminal who'll scare the shit out of you forever. Police need to concentrate on stopping madmen from raping people and keeping thieves from stealing old ladies' purses. Leave them alone. This also applies to bouncers and security guards. They have more important things to do than help you get mad.

DOs & DON'Ts—Racism
Don't get all huffy and denounce somebody for racism when they are, say, watching the Olympics and state a simple fact like "Gee, blacks are faster sprinters than whites."

DOs & DON'Ts—Public shitting
If you smell a bad shit come out of your ass, start flushing immediately. There is no limit to the number of courtesy flushes allowed. Also, you have to give the next guy a heads-up. Because once that poor bastard goes in there after you, he can't just come running out screaming (like he wants to), because then you're all embarrassed and it's a weird vibe all around the restaurant. Just a little eye roll or gesture should do the job—be subtle but clear.

DOs & DON'Ts—Eating off other people's plates
There are not many things likely to put somebody off their food faster than when a drunken, greedy dickhead grabs a bit of food from their appetizer plate before they've even started it themselves. Restaurants are overpriced and the main point of them is to get people together, so sharing food off other people's plates is often to be applauded. There is, however, nothing worse than when Mr. Porky Pig dives into your plate and pulls a sausage off without asking. I don't care how stoned or drunk you are. Not even an arm around the shoulder and a whispered "Love you, mate" will get near making up for the emotional turmoil and stomach upset you have just caused your supposed friend.

DOs & DON'Ts—Paying
We went to a friend's birthday dinner the other day and there were about 15 people. You know what that means? After everyone puts in their cash, the check is still going to be $250 short. You know why? Because of a group of indignant communists who care more about what the dinner can do for them than what they can do for the dinner. They just figure, "OK, I paid $11, that's reasonable" instead of, "How much are we short, and what do we have to do to get that paid?" And what are we doing having dinner with 15 people? From now on you are only allowed to eat in groups no larger than four. If there's five of you, then eat separately and meet at a bar later. There is a reason that restaurants tack on an automatic gratuity for parties of six or more.

DOs & DON'Ts—Tipping
If you have ever worked in the food-service industry, you must tip at least 25%. If a bartender friend gives you a free drink, give him at least a dollar tip per drink and then give him an extra $5 every four drinks. That's still only $8 for four drinks, so what's your problem?

DOs & DON'Ts—Toothpicks
Don't walk around with a toothpick in your mouth for an hour after a meal. Maybe there are even a few stray morsels tucked in your dental work, but society does not need proof that you had dinner. Let it go.

DOs & DON'Ts—Medicine
Don't go to a doctor unless you have to crawl there. Operating at home is fun and easy. Never go to the dentist, either. And never take antibiotics. They are a crutch and they prevent your immune system from figuring out, and subsequently conquering, whatever the disease is. Never take your pet to the vet. If it's sick, let it die. It's the natural thing to do.

DOs & DON'Ts—Touching
Don't give your coworkers backrubs. No matter how much they beg. When the rest of us look over and see it, we're barfing.

DOs & DON'Ts—Office crushes
Liking someone at work can get you through the day, but don't make it uncomfortable for either of you. This means no staring, no extraneous contact, and no wanking in the toilets. Period. An office crush is like a bonsai tree, something to nurture slowly over time. If you do, it can reward you with years of simple joy and beauty.

DOs & DON'Ts—Flirting with interns
This depends on where you work. Financial sector, it's out of the question. Fashion magazine, it's par for the course. Don't be pervy unless you're being super-pervy in an over-the-top way, in which case it's a go. If things "happen," it's polite to reward sex with gifts and a promotion, but be discreet.

DOs & DON'Ts—Meetings
Fuck meetings. They are for people who don't like to get work done. The whole idea of everyone having to get together to "focus" and "get a general idea of what we're trying to do" is really just an excuse for people to drown you in rhetoric. Meetings are worse than art school. If you really want to get something done then just email me:
"Subject: Want to start this project?"
"Sure."
"Re: Sure. OK, I got all these contacts. I contacted everyone on the list. Can you book the place?"
"Yes, I can."
And we didn't sit in a big circle, notepads in hand, waiting for blabbermouth to finish her longwinded analogy about running a marathon. Meetings are why all the dotcommers are now serving coffee.

DOs & DON'Ts—NA meetings
Dude, this is a four-minute session. You are literally not allowed to talk for longer than that. I mean, I know you have to share, but we are here to get over our addiction not hear about how your lawyer dad oppressed you. Fuck.

DOs & DON'Ts—Aging gracefully
Thirty is a pivotal age. It is when you have to change everything overnight. If you are out at age 29 on your birthday, wearing a ratty T-shirt and drinking a beer, at midnight you will automatically morph into a guy with a Guinness in hand, casually decked out in a perfectly worn-in Brooks Brothers button-down. It's like a werewolf in the full moon.
To get yourself ready for this transition, consider the following steps:

DOs & DON'Ts—Condoms at 30
By 30, you should be regularly fucking someone you can trust enough to go condomless without staying up all night worrying about AIDS. Birth control comes in myriad forms that don't require one to asphyxiate their partner's cock. Not keeping condoms around is like cutting up your credit card: Without them you'll no longer have anything to fall back upon. (If you are not going steady, then you should really begin limiting the number of times a year you end up blacked out trying to "push rope" into the butt of some dumb slut you met at last call.)

DOs & DON'Ts—The newspaper at 30
There is nothing more painful than hearing someone who doesn't know anything about politics trying to talk about current events. Now that you're getting older, you're going to have to do better than "George Bush is an asshole." Buy a fucking newspaper. You have to read at least some of the front section every day. Otherwise, you are not allowed to have opinions about anything that is in the news. To say all media is biased is a cop-out. There are two PCs: politically correct and pro-corporate. There's a left-wing bias for things like abortion and immigration but there's a right-wing bias when it comes to anything corporate. Get over it. There's still tons of other pertinent information in there, even in the Jew York Times.

By the way, simply saying someone is "right wing" doesn't count as an apt criticism. Have you ever even listened to the other side's positions? Then shut your face. And Republicans, do you even know anyone in the sex industry? Then you shut your face, too. The terms "right wing" and "left wing" were created for baby boomers who had just given up religion and were looking for a new gang to join. Calling yourself Democrat or Republican is for pussies.

DOs & DON'Ts—Pot at 30
When you were 14, parents always had the best pot. Parents who had you call them by their first names usually had the best of the best pot. When you are the age they were then, spring for real pot every time you buy. How will you be able to afford this? Because you are smoking less grass.

Smoking grass constantly is like chain-smoking (which you've also stopped by now). It will make the skin on your neck look like a used condom and the corner of your eyes look like a murder of ravens tap-danced on your face. Also, you are too old to be forgetting everything. Sometime in the next few years you are going to get a phone call announcing one of your parents has died.

Your new rule of thumb for weed is to spend at least $60 a shot and make whatever that gets you last for a month.

DOs & DON'Ts—Internet porn at 30
How many hours have you logged hunched over squinting at thumbnails and downloading preview clips that are blurrier then the pause function on your parents' first VCR? Is she shaved or is that a shadow? Wait a second—is that a guy?

You need to start paying for your porn now. You work a nine-to-five job and thus no longer have time to shake the Internet all day hoping the perfect picture that matches your weird fetish will fall into your lap. Are you into Asian chicks? Congratulations, there are 500 billion sites you can subscribe to. Fuck, you can find a thousand sites if you're into watersports-amputee-senior-redhead snuff movies. There's too much to do every day when you're a grown-up to spend three hours searching for the perfect picture to spend five minutes beating off to.


Got it? This is the first time we've written it all down. The DOs & DON'Ts are usually like that stuff on the right hand side. Funny picture with funny caption (that's what the book is) but if you're still not satisfied check out the Onion's Amie Barodale, she listed 100 in a row in exchange for 20 beers.


VICE STAFF
(With Steve Sailer, Amie Barrodale, Jeff Johnson, Archer Anon, Lesley Arfin, Meghan Lynch, Tierney Germer, AJ Daulerio, Piers Martin, Chris Nieratko, Ryan Duffy, Wendy Mullin, and some other people we forgot who we shouldn't have because it's a rule to not forget stuff like that.)


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