NEWSLETTER

DOs & DON'Ts—Reaming your girlfriend
It's fun to hate-fuck your girlfriend (that doesn't mean forcible entry, it means you fuck her like a dirty animal and pretend in your head she hates you) but she's not really into getting reamed from behind every single time. The deal is you have to make love to her three out of four times. That leaves about one time a week you get to bang the living shit out of her like she's a disgusting whore (is it normal to have a boner right now?).

DOs & DON'Ts GREATEST HITS

What is the difference between Ghetto Fabulous and dressing up like a fucking clown? Seriously, I really want to know.

This guy kept whining to us, saying, "This better not be a DON'T." Dude, what are you afraid of? You look like a cavity creep's worst nightmare. Why would we make fun of someone who rides around our mouths kicking the living shit out of plaque?

OK, DUDE! I don't know about the guys who are playing soccer with you. Maybe they are blind. Maybe they are so into the sport they don't care who's playing it, but shit, I fucking care. Look at you. You little Riki-Tiki-Tavi in blue trunks, mongoosing all over the place like a Julian Lennon video. It's not Nazi Germany, don't get me wrong, but COME THE FUCK ON! Can we have a semblance of humanity? Why don't you just put on some harlequin face paint while you're at it? FUCK!

DOs & DON'Ts—Strapping it on
No matter what Dan Savage says, if you let your girlfriend fuck you in the ass with a strap-on, you are not "experimenting," you are "gay."

DOs & DON'Ts—Dirty old men
Gents over 30! Do you realize that the 18-year-old girl that you are dating makes you look like the biggest creep in the world? All decent men hate you. And how can you live with constantly checking your bald patch in the bathroom at the bar in case she notices it? And trying to score tickets for Usher concerts and wearing vests, wooden chokers, and fake tan? How tight is that pussy? How small is your cock?

Girls under 18! If your boyfriend is over 30, you are basically being constantly lied to and RAPED every day of your relationship. Your stupid friends may think you're cool, but your parents would kill you if they knew about it, and all his buddies think you're a little whore and will try and fuck you at every given opportunity. Why do old men want to fuck 18-year-olds anyway? As we've said a hundred times before: "It's like playing tennis with a toddler." Pick on someone your own size.

DOs & DON'Ts—Orgasms
Women don't cum from fucking as easily as men, so she doesn't have to have an orgasm every time he does. "Sowwy." It's just not practical. A man only has to provide a woman with one orgasm for every three he has. It's not like she's going to get blue balls. She doesn't even have balls. This does not include masturbating, by the way—that's private.

DOs & DON'Ts—The basic rules of fashion
The basic rule is: You have to be at least a little uncomfortable.

We are in an epoch right now when everyone is determined to be at a sleepover. Nobody can endure any discomfort whatsoever, not even for a moment. If a woman goes out on a limb and gets dressed up one night, she punishes the world by wearing track pants and flip-flops for days after. If a man feels even slightly warm he takes his shirt off and lets the whole world see his hairy tits. Back in the Wild West, we were wearing three-piece suits and top hats in the middle of July. Can we not have at least a modicum of discipline? It's not that hard. Men just need to stay away from belly tattoos, chokers, cargo shorts, cargo pants, umbrellas (under any circumstances), colored sunglasses, long hair, tribal tattoos, wool hats, and piercings. Women need to avoid platform flip-flops, belly-button piercings, toe rings, cleavage, low-riding jeans if they're chubby (we're talking to you, London, England), thongs, shirts made to look like tattoos, cowboy hats, fake tans, and Von Dutch.

DOs & DON'Ts—Shopping
The secret to buying clothes is to have your look totally figured out before you walk into the store. That's how the mods did it. Fred Perry, Ben Sherman, bowling shoes, loafers, and parkas. If they saw a great pair of baggy cords, too bad, it's not mod (no matter what Madness says about trousers). You need to do that too. Is she going for rich hippie? OK, that means only really expensive shoes, flowing summer dresses, and the odd tassled leather jacket. Want some free black leather Converse? No, you don't, because that's not rich hippie. What about a vintage Judas Priest shirt? Nope. But if after a year or two she decides she's going for a Cheech & Chong theme, then all those dresses have to go to the secondhand store for resale. Now stumbling across some leather Converse and a Judas Priest shirt is a blessing. The key to this whole philosophy is to be able to say no to a total score. If you're going for preppie prick and you see an amazing pair of Lemmy cowboy boots that fit you perfectly, you have to walk away. Call your sponsor if you have to. Shopping is about staying focused and keeping your eye on the prize!

DOs & DON'Ts—Hippie fruit drinks
Are you a baby? No? Then you can take a piece of fucking fruit and put it in your mouth and chew. It's way cheaper and those drinks are full of salmonella. A friend of ours worked at one of those fruity health-drink plants in Vancouver and her job was picking out band-aids and parts of hippies' beards all day with her bare hands.

DOs & DON'Ts—Halloween
Sexy Halloween costumes are lame. They are supposed to signify the woman wearing it is a hot-to-trot sexpot, but the truth is always the opposite. It's like the girl who talks about giving head all the time and then you go home with her and it's like she's chewing on a Mars Bar. If you want to find the really "sexy" (how gross is that word?) girl, go find the one who blacked out her teeth to become Alfred E. Newman.

DOs & DON'Ts—Augmentation
Do not have plastic surgery. Nine out of 10 plastic surgeons admit they would never do it to a member of their own family. The few who have performed it on their wives are usually repairing some other guy's fuck-up. The nose looks scary, the lips are drag queen, and the tits have to be replaced every five years. Ask anyone who has had anything done; they all regret it.

DOs & DON'Ts—Laundry
If you drop off a big load, it's $20. If you do it yourself it takes about four hours and costs $16. Have you ever heard of a thing called math? You are essentially being paid $1/hour. Why don't you go work at McDonald's for those four hours, and your laundry would be for free?

DOs & DON'Ts—Running for the train or bus
Stop sprinting down the stairs like it's Judgment Day. There's another one coming in 10 minutes.

DOs & DON'Ts—The 30 rule
When men turn 30, they can no longer wear kooky clothes. That means no more weird Nikes. It also means no more hair dyeing of any kind, no more shorts (ever), and no more collarless shirts. The most casual you are allowed on a hot day is: white pants, Chucks, and a polo. Your ultimate goal as a 30+ is to look like Cassavetes in Rosemary's Baby. Women over 30 have to give up knee-high socks, pigtails, and shirts with cartoons on them. Basically, anything girlie. Besides that, you can do whatever you want. There are more rules for men than women over 30 because that is the age when men have to go from being attractive to being providers. Women are always supposed to at least try to be attractive.

DOs & DON'Ts—Being a man
Men are not allowed to wear any kind of baby-carrying knapsack. A kid only weighs 30 pounds, and if you can't carry that, you're not much of a dad. Men's bikes cannot have baskets, and men cannot wear helmets. Actually, neither gender can wear bike helmets, not even messengers. What is with this obsession with safety, anyways? Does your mommy follow you around kvetching in your ear about how dangerous everything is? Men cannot wear overalls or mittens or anything that a kid would wear. Men cannot pay more than $20 for a haircut, and ideally would just do it at home with a pair of clippers. If it takes you more than 15 minutes to get ready, you are a fag.

DOs & DON'Ts—Shoes
Men cannot show their toes in any capacity at any time of year. No way, hozay. In the summer, he ideally wears some light classics like Chuck Taylors, Wallabees, desert boots, Rod Lavers, loafers, etc. In the winter, he should have some utilitarian tough skins like Red Deers or Kodiaks.

Ideally, women wear high-heel shoes at all times, especially in the kitchen. Unfortunately, this is Earth and gravity exists here. Therefore a woman has to wear heels whenever she can. That means moments when there's not a lot of walking going on (dates, a plane ride, the movies, a road trip, dinner parties). If it's a big walking day, she may wear flats or sneakers. Though most girls would like to just throw in the towel and wear flip-flops every day, that is not allowed. A woman may wear flip-flops three days a week (never at night). Why do women want to wear flip-flops so badly anyways––because their feet have to breathe? OK, why don't you cut some holes in the back of your jeans so your ass can breathe? What are you, a nudist? By the way, when you come home, wash your fucking feet. They're black on the bottom.

Neither gender can wear sandals of any kind at any time. "What about if I'm walking upstream in Costa Rica? Can't I wear Tevas then?" Sorry, asshole. If you are on vacation, we will allow men to wear flip-flops, but that's it. Sport sandals do not exist. If the terrain is too rugged and slippery for flip-flops (like walking upstream), you will just have to get your Chucks wet.
Also, square-toed shoes are unacceptable for either gender. They are as bad on those corny "dress sneakers" as they are on dress shoes. Buckles on shoes are bad too (doye).

DOs & DON'Ts—Perfume, makeup, and nail polish
Men who do any kind of serious grooming at all are fucking losers. Highlights, gel, eyebrow plucking, chest waxing, pedicures (shudder)––all that shit is totally unacceptable at any age. Women can wear perfume and makeup, we guess, but it's not appreciated. Like expensive haircuts, makeup and perfume are something women spend all their money on even though men couldn't give less of a shit (keep spending all your cash on shoes, though, we do care about those). Women may not paint their toenails any color darker than pink. All this bloodred and brown is making us barf, so please stop.

DOs & DON'Ts—Jeans and high heels
We know it's been said before, and it will be said again (most likely by us) until every female on earth who is not related to us picks up on it. This is the Rolling Stones of outfits: absolutely foolproof, guaranteed boner material. Even if you're fat (shit, especially if you're fat).

DOs & DON'Ts—Complicated tattoos
Honestly, we'd rather you just get a sick Tasmanian Devil caged in tribal bars with a voice-bubble full of Chinese symbols than listen to your story about how this particular sacred heart with a sword on the side symbolizes this really tough time in your life and how looking at it in the mirror every morning truly makes you realize how far you've come.

DOs & DON'Ts—Labor Day, Shmabor Day
Don't listen when fashion magazines say, "Don't wear white after Labor Day." That shit is gay as hell and totally 1950s. It originated in women's etiquette handbooks and had some bullshit rationale about the changing of the seasons and wearing "warm" colors in winter. But dirty white jeans look great on girls year-round. Well, on great girls, the kind of girl who is so super-confident she can have peanut butter on her cheek and be like, "What, dick?"

DOs & DON'Ts—Vogue, etc.
Don't read fashion magazines at all. Poor Mary Kate Olsen, she's anorexic. Poor Karen Carpenter, she died. Fashion magazines are for the girls you hated in high school. All of them––Vogue, Bazaar, W––are forced to use the clothing provided by their advertisers. That's how they get the ads, which is how they get the money to pay for Kate Moss and her cocaine. All of those magazines are basically just one big ad, and for ugly fucking clothes usually, too.

DOs & DON'Ts—Speaking up
Do tell your friends when something they are wearing is "off." A true friend wants to save you from embarrassment, plus she feels stupid walking around with you while you're trying to get away with MC Hammer pants. If you don't say it in a dick way, your friend will understand. Try "The white-jeans-after-Labor-Day thing is really working for me, but I'm not so sure about the mandals." Your friend should laugh and be like, "Yeah, they are totally Gallagher-esque. Sorry about that." If your friend starts to cry, dump her immediately.

DOs & DON'Ts—Scent
Don't wear cologne. A boy's natural scent is truly delicious. And even fresh BO is great. Sure, Drakkar Noir has an aphrodisiac in it, but we're not in seventh grade, and you don't need to hide the pot stench from your mom.

DOs & DON'Ts—Fabulous and thick
Fat people have feelings too, and no matter what our friend Christi Bradnox says, they too have the ability to look hot. Hello, have you not seen Mo'Nique on Showtime at the Apollo?? She's a FAT (Fabulous And Thick) woman, and she rocks her shit. It's all about the confidence. If you listen carefully, you'll never hear straight guys say they aren't into fat chicks. "She's too fat" is the kind of thing gay guys and mean girls say. Real men could care less.

DOs & DON'Ts—The Golden Rule
Don't go in before the other person comes out. This applies to a restaurant, a building, a bus, anything. It is so universal that you should let it philosophically inform everything else you do for the rest of your life. Don't go in before the other person comes out.

DOs & DON'Ts—Calling shotgun
Every passenger has to be right outside the car before shotgun is called. Otherwise you could just yell "shotgun" from your bed the second you wake up. If you're really cool, you will deliver the word with a bit of panache. Like you could say, "Hey, you guys, look at all those ducks. Man, I wish I had my SHOTGUN here so I could blow 'em all away." When you're saying the "blow 'em all away" part, you should say it right into everyone's face in an "in your face, motherfuckers!" manner. Also, before saying "shotgun," be sure to pretend you're cocking an invisible shotgun and add the "chk chk" sound effect.

DOs & DON'Ts—Farting and burping
If you are under the age of 20 and you fart or burp, you have to say "safety." If someone says "slut" before you say "safety" everyone present gets to beat the shit out of you until you name five breakfast cereals.

DOs & DON'Ts—Friendly punches
You can only punch someone in the arm, back, chest, or right above the knee (a Charlie horse). If someone nails you, you are allowed to get them back and you can punch them as hard as you can. If he's all, "I barely touched you," that's bullshit. A punch is a punch. If you miss him or hit him way too softly, that's your problem. You blew your chance. There are no do-overs.

DOs & DON'Ts—Dares
If you dare someone to go roll around in a swamp full of cold mud that smells like frog shit, they should do it. However, that means you have now joined the lair of the dare and the person who rolled around can dare you to eat a spider 10 years from now and you have to do it. Otherwise you'd have people daring people to do stuff willy-nilly all over the place like they were the Queen of England. The very act of daring someone to do something implies you are the kind of person who also does dares.


CONTINUED:
THE VICE GUIDE TO EVERYTHING | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |Next>