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DOS & DON'TS
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DOs & DON'Ts—Exploiting addict friends
If a friend has a problem with a serious drug like crack or heroin, you can't ask them to score that stuff for you when you're drunk. Even if they've done it once or twice before, it's not cool. You know when you think, "Ah, fuck it, let's ring them and get them to score," and you call about four times a day? Even though they're saying, "OK, man, yeah, I'll sort it out later," they actually mean "I'm having a big problem with this, and I don't want to do it."
When you're at a party or club and you're about to buy some ecstasy from the only dealer you can find, don't ask him if the pills are any good because he's not going to say, "They're rubbish, mate. I don't know what's in them. Save your money if I were you." Try to conceal your desperation—it's always a seller's market in these situations. That shifty-looking guy is not your friend, and even though he said he'd be around all night since he's having such a great time selling shitty drugs to idiots, don't be surprised if you never see him again. DOs & DON'Ts—Cheating You can only cheat in the first six months of a relationship. The No. 1 rule of this is, the mistress has to know you have a girlfriend. Of course, it's difficult to court a girl when you're taken so what you have to say is "We have an open relationship but it's disrespectful to shove it in her face so let's try to keep it on the DL." If you get caught cheating, the only thing you have to remember is deny, deny, deny. DOs & DON'Ts—Farting Girls can never fart, no matter what. If they feel they have one coming on, they have to go the bathroom with a pack of matches. They can also never openly admit to pooing. That means running the taps when it comes out and NEVER walking into the bathroom with a magazine. Boys can fart in front of girls after six months of dating or 100 fucks (whichever comes first). DOs & DON'Ts—Strip clubs Your boyfriend is allowed to go to a strip club once a week. After that, it gets weird. Also, if you're only getting fucked when he's been out to strip clubs all night, it's a sign of something very bad. If he adheres to the once-a-week rule, he is allowed to get lap dances and champagne room and whatever he wants. Just don't talk about it. DOs & DON'Ts—Getting your man a beer A woman always has to get her man a beer. Not at a bar, that would be ridiculous, but at home or at a party, she should always make sure he has a Bud in his hand. At a bar, the opposite is true. A man always has to procure a woman a drink. He has to get up and get it and he has to pay for it. Sucks when you're broke, but if she's worth her salt she'll cut you some slack and buy a round or two. DOs & DON'Ts—Dating You're not allowed to date someone your friend dated—ever. By the same token, you are never allowed to date your ex's friends. If you want to go out with a girl but you kind of know her ex-boyfriend, that's fine. Just don't expect to be friends with him ever again. DOs & DON'Ts—Male/female friendships A man in a relationship cannot have pretty female friends. It is inappropriate for a guy in a relationship to go to a movie with a girl who is more than a 7 out of 10. It is perfectly acceptable to go to a movie with a fat ugly girl. He can even stay at her house overnight. Women may not have any male friends at all (except fags). DOs & DON'Ts—Being pussy-whipped If you are doing things you don't want to do more than 50% of the time, you are pussy-whipped. There's a fine line between being a caring boyfriend and being whipped, so the only way to know for sure is to ask your friends. As a general rule, if there are things you are "not allowed" to do, you are whipped. Other indications include: you are expected to provide foot massages, you sincerely like her friends, you divide the housework evenly, you divide the cooking evenly, you're worried she's mad at you, you talk about her hair. DOs & DON'Ts—Fighting If your girlfriend or boyfriend starts a fight with you, leave the room and don't come back for 24 hours. If it's something really worth arguing about, the argument will still be there the next day. As a rule, men who are angry with each other will keep it to themselves for seven days. If they still feel the same way by the end of the week, they will bring it up in a calm, controlled manner. You are allowed to slap a woman in the face approximately once a year. She has to be completely hysterical, though, and she has to thank you for it the next day. DOs & DON'Ts—Family The second you ejaculate into a woman, you have to start thinking about how you're going to pay for its education. If your parents don't happily pay for all your education, they are stupid gaylords. No matter how poor you are. They're also supposed to help you start a business and pay for the wedding and help you buy a house. Of course, once they get too old to live normally, you have to take them in. Old-age homes are not cool. DOs & DON'Ts—Babies After college, girls have to decide if they want babies or a career. If you think you're going to be a graphic designer and then stop everything at 36, find the right guy, have the baby, and then go back to your career when the kid starts pre-school, you are sadly mistaken. Your eggs are shit at 36. Don't get mad at us, it's God's fault. So if you don't want to be a lonely spinster who watches Sex and the City like it's on fire, get over careers and find a reliable man. P.S. Careers aren't that great anyways; it's not all golf and strip clubs, it's mostly putting out fires and worrying about lawyers. DOs & DON'Ts—Assimilating When you move to a new city, you have to go on walking tours and rent DVDs about it and stuff like that. You have to know about it so when your parents visit you can say things like "That's the house where Ben Franklin signed the Statue of Liberty." If you move to a new country, you have to like it. That means learning the language, speaking it at home, and not minding if your daughter marries one of them. Does that mean you can't wear your turban if you become a New York City cop? 'Fraid so. DOs & DON'Ts—Dreams are free, motherfucker Don't hate your boyfriend for thinking about fucking other people. First off: People imagine doing all sorts of things without ever really wanting to do them. These include kicking the boss in the nuts or setting a bum on fire. Plus, a relationship wouldn't be worth anything if it weren't hard work. It's hard not to fuck everything you want, but it is impossible not to think about it. Thinking is not doing. Secondly: Do you really think he will ever meet Scarlett Johansson, much less be able to pick her up if does? DOs & DON'Ts—Their friend is 10 times cuter Even if you are on the most boring, total-mistake date of your whole life, there is absolutely no way that you should start flirting with your date's hot-friend-you-just-bumped-into. Even if you're on a first date with a burn victim wearing a Disneyland baseball cap and her best pal turns out to be Princess Beautiful Millionaire, do not start flirting with the friend. You will only alienate both of them. If the friend is worth anything above a frog dick she will encourage your desperation until you go to the bathroom or the bar, and then she will disappear, leaving you with the piece-of-shit date and a taste in your mouth worse than used rape swabs. Most importantly, you don't want to risk blowing whatever chance you had of fucking the hot friend nine months later at the same bar when the two friends have drifted apart. Be patient. DOs & DON'Ts—Creepy guys Late at night on a deserted street, a guy shouldn't walk close behind a girl he doesn't know. Crossing to the other side of the street and walking parallel with her is particularly gentlemanly. It shows you aren't a threat but you are there for her in case a bad man shows up. DOs & DON'Ts—No babies in your fifth-floor walk-up Unless you are rich, once you have a baby, it's time to start planning to move out of the city to a house with a yard in a suburb with good schools. Yes, you are turning into your parents. Deal with it. DOs & DON'Ts—Babies (and Jews) on the plane Why are you taking your baby to Miami? To meet Grandma? Can she not just come here instead? Babies are only babies for a little while, so you can abstain from traveling for a year or two, all right? We're trying to sleep off a hangover over here. Also, Hasids, can you put your hand over your fucking mouth when you're coughing? Just because there's no chapter on it in the Torah doesn't mean you don't have to do it. While we're on it, why were you fanatically praying when we took off? Did you have to remind God not to kill us? Was he considering it and then he heard you and changed his mind? What is he, a huge invisible kid playing with toy planes and crashing them into each other while making sound effects with his giant mouth? DOs & DON'Ts—Something About Mary Girls who like to hang out at the driving range, talk pro football, and scarf corn dogs (like Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary) may sound like fun, but unless you are QB Brett Favre, you probably aren't man enough to get her her interested in you (if she's interested in men at all). DOs & DON'Ts—Done is done Even if you try your hardest to be civil to each other after a long relationship, you have to get over the fact that no matter how in love you were, you split up for a reason and now you're both fucking other people and things'll never be the same again. If you're still on good terms and you're introduced to your replacement (big mistake), then it'll just freak everyone out, regardless of how polite everyone is trying to be, because what you really want to do is ask, "How the fuck can you be sleeping with him/her?" and it'll end in tears. DOs & DON'Ts—Fuck-frequency In the first year of a relationship, you have to do it at least four times a week. Second year it goes down to three. From the third year to the fifth year, you have to do it at least twice a week. After that, it's once a week until you get married, then it's never (seriously). DOs & DON'Ts—Fooling around with your friends There are some very simple guidelines for this: 1. Don't do it. You can't go below the belt and not have things get weird. 2. If you absolutely must horse around, never go home with them. Fool around at parties or bars, so when you go home it's like nothing happened. 3. The next day, call your friend and make light of what happened, so when you see them it's not weird. DOs & DON'Ts—Duration No matter what Italians tell you, sex has to last at least 15 minutes. If you feel like you're going to bust a nut before that, then pull out and go down on her. Ewww, it tastes like condom? Boo-hoo, you fucking baby! Get back to work! DOs & DON'Ts—Swallowing cum on the first date Only fags and desperate sluts swallow on the first date. To most men, it reeks of desperation and a desire to "own" a part of that person forever. Plus, swallowing is overrated. It's much raunchier, healthier, and emotionally attractive to finish him off on your tits, letting a tiny silver dewdrop of cum go on your chin or something. Also, if any cum goes on the guy, it's better to offer him an old shirt off the floor than to leave him to shuffle awkwardly to the bathroom on his own. DOs & DON'Ts—Shaving Women have to shave their pits and their legs and the bush has to be kept in a triangular shape no larger than half the size of a potato. No pussy hairs are permitted around or below the bottom third of the lips. All men have to do is keep their face from becoming a huge beard. Sounds shitty if you're female, but women get to give life. Men don't get to do that. Plus, men have to pay for everything forever. DOs & DON'Ts—Mean sex Men got so scared of all that "No Means No" LUG (lesbian until graduation) talk, they fuck like babies now. Here's the new rules: One "no" means "Meh, I don't know"; two "no"s means "Maybe"; three "no"s means "No." There are some really weird girls out there (usually ones who got fucked by their dad) that want to be faux raped. Here's the deal for them: You do the struggling thing until you're starting to get weirded out, then you lie on your back and don't move. If she puts her hand on your leg that means the struggle was a game and you can get back to work. If she says, "What's the matter with you?" you fucked up real bad. Sometimes you don't really know if you pushed it too far until the next day. Best to go out for breakfast and see what's up. Also, horsing around with a girl who is so drunk she cannot speak is rape. So is beating off next to her when she's passed out. I mean, it's not as bad as the guy in the alleyway with a ski mask, but it's up there. CONTINUED: THE VICE GUIDE TO EVERYTHING | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |Next>
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