NEWSLETTER

DOs & DON'Ts—Neighborhood veterans
Do not stand around smoking, talking about how the Lower East Side was "back in the day." Last night, our friend was in front of local bar Max Fish and some guy standing next to her went, "I can't believe cabs are looking for fares on this street!" Our friend said, "What, Ludlow Street?" And he said, "Yeah, back in the day no cabs would drive down here...but you're probably not from around here." For the record, the Lower East Side used to be a gigantic heroin den where people died every five minutes. If you think that's so cool, why don't you go join them all by killing yourself?

DOs & DON'Ts GREATEST HITS

This is something we like to call Only in Quebec. Only in a nation where people have been receiving three decades of free grant money to promote their own culture, no matter how lame that culture is, could you have this French clown not even kidding.

It's good to see old-time Southerners up in New York DJing and having fun with the kids. It kind of shows we're all in the same boat and we all know how to have a party time.

"Hot" guys have got to go. Check out their megalomaniacal obsession with accessories. They buy their diaries from Urban Outfitters, love car magazines, watch Six Feet Under, never miss a baseball game, and get moody every 28 days. They are faggot wimps, dumb bitches, and douchebag jocks all in one.

DOs & DON'Ts—Racial ears
Don't freak out if a person of a different race doesn't react to you like someone from your race would. Be aware that blacks and whites (in America, at least) have different techniques for showing that they are listening closely to what you are saying. Whites will nod and say little things like "Really?" while blacks will simply look you in the eye and give you their full attention.

DOs & DON'Ts—Saying "nigger"
Contrary to popular belief, white people can say "nigger." The trick is how they say it. Black people have a special frequency oscilloscope in their ears that can decipher whether the "nigger" that was uttered was a racial slur or just a rude comedy term. If you want to know which one you just said, you have to ask them.

DOs & DON'Ts—Haterade
Never accuse someone of being a "hater" when they have a differing opinion on a song, an artwork, or an idea. Whatever happened to genuinely not liking something? "Hater" implies a level of jealousy, but I am not jealous of The Rapture, wristbands, or Sex and the City. I simply don't like them.

DOs & DON'Ts—Your favorite movie
Do try to keep in mind that the reason you love a particular movie or CD is probably not because it is a universal classic for all humanity, but because it appeals to your personal peculiarities. Stop trying to bully us into liking what you like. Oh, and don't try to force your tastes on your girlfriend or boyfriend. The reason you are sexually attracted to that person is because she or he is different from you. Those differences include pop-culture tastes.

DOs & DON'Ts—Music
Don't talk about music. Nobody cares what you listen to. It's nice that The Clash "changed your life," but save it for your grandkids. The one exception to this rule is a bit of nerding out if you are up at 5 a.m. coking out to records. Even in that situation, however, use music talk sparingly.

DOs & DON'Ts—Cool kids
You should not say "cool kids," especially if by "cool kids" you mean people you admire and respect who won't talk to you because you suck. But even if you mean something else, don't say "cool kids."

DOs & DON'Ts—Jokes
Don't tell every joke you think of. Just don't be that person with a million zany jokes, because he is a walking variety show and people inch away from him at parties. His girlfriend of three years hurt him really badly, but he's just won the Emerging Comics of New York Award and, slowly, it's been getting better.

DOs & DON'Ts—Old standards
Do have approximately 10 funny things that you know will bring the house down. "Routines" is what comedians call them. Like, if a really popular song is playing in the bar, say, "I can't believe they're playing this demo. My voice sounds like shit on this mix. Do you like it? This is a super-rough mix and after it gets compressed it will probably sound a lot better." If you do this during a Rolling Stones song and the person thinks you're serious, X that person.

DOs & DON'Ts—Stealing from English-as-a-second-language speakers
Try scowling and saying, "Do you know what I'm talking about?" when you mean "Know what I am saying?" We knew an exchange student who did that, and it ruled. Asking if people want to "make a party" is good too.

DOs & DON'Ts—Choosing your battles
Don't argue politics with your neighbors, coworkers, or other people you need to get along with. Calling somebody an idiot for liking Bush is what the Internet is for. Besides, political arguments are better in emails because you get time to do your research and you can provide links to all your points.

DOs & DON'Ts—I heart NY
Don't compare cities, especially New York and L.A., because New York is better in every way. There is no comparison whatsoever. Most cities suck, but if you're with your best friends, even in a shithole like Cleveland, you will probably have a fucking blast.

DOs & DON'Ts—Copping out
Do not try to talk about shit you don't know about and then, when you are called out on your bullshit, say, "Everything is just bullshit anyways."

DOs & DON'Ts—Sports fans
If you insist on talking about some game you like, don't use the word "we," as in "We're losing 10 to 7," or especially, "We're winning," or, "If only we had a left-handed pitcher who could get someone out." We, huh? You and the general manager are going to sit down and tackle that at some point in the near future? No. YOU are not. You get to witness a team full of transient millionaires compete in a game in which, no matter how hard you wish, wear your special hat, or cry, you have ZERO to do with the outcome. You aren't on the team. You aren't a paid consultant to the team. You're a fan of the team. Would you apply this shit to a band? Like, "I know Garcia has been dead for about eight years, but who are we gonna get to replace him?" or "How many dates are we touring?" or "Man, we played a kickass show last night." NO, you would never do that. Or even a favorite porn star? "We gotta dance in Lubbock. That's where we can earn the big dollars. Let's shake our tits. Boy, we really sucked that cock last night. God, I love it when we get a hot blast of cum on our implants."

DOs & DON'Ts—Shots
If someone buys you a shot, you have to do it, no matter what. If you're too hungover or the bar is about to close, you can pretend to do it by throwing it over your shoulder, but if you get caught that person has the right to never speak to you again. It is also considered good form to match your friend shot-for-shot. This is a matter of not asking your buddy to do something you wouldn't do yourself.

DOs & DON'Ts—Karaoke
There are some very basic rules to karaoke:
1. Do not hog the mic. Try to sing a number of songs proportionate to how many people are there; if there are three people, you should be singing one-third of the songs. This applies to shy people, too. Don't go to karaoke if you don't want to sing.
2. Pay your way. I don't care how little you sing or how you didn't even want to come out tonight. If you are there for even a minute, you are part of the problem. As soon as you walk in the door, you better be prepared to shell out about $20 for the night.
3. No slow jams. They are buzzkills.
4. Only sing songs that you actually know. We're not here to watch you try and figure out lyrics. Rap is next to impossible to do, so you better have heard it about 10,000 times before you choose it as a karaoke jam.
5. Sing it as the guy. If you do Prince, try to sound like Prince. If you do Springsteen's "I'm on Fire," you better hoarse up your voice so it sounds right.
6. Only one person on the mic at a time. If you want to sing along, do it without a mic. The only time other people are allowed to pick up the mic is during the chorus. This is an especially hard rule to follow during Oasis and U2, but sorry dude, that's why there's rules.
7. Finally, if you are karaokeing in one of those private rooms with a karaoke rig that has a remote control, NEVER utilize the "Delete" button on said remote until you have figured out who chose the song in question and confirmed with them that they will abdicate the song. This exchange will usually take no more than five seconds.

DOs & DON'Ts—Drinking
Ideally, men only drink beer. That way, when you are kind enough to get a round, you don't have a bunch of L.A. faggots saying, "I'll have a raspberry vodka with a splash of Citron and a fucking lime" or whatever. How are we supposed to remember five woman drinks? "Five Buds for five buds" is all we should have to remember.

Women, on the other hand, can drink whatever the fuck they want. They look like fun tomboys when they drink beer and they look like classy broads when they drink Tom Collins, so the whole spectrum is great news (go bananas).

DOs & DON'Ts—One night on, one night off
One of the oldest roadie rules of survival is never party two nights in a row. You have to stay in and recover every second night. If your girlfriend still thinks this is too much, you may tell her to fuck off. The day after your recovery, you should be getting some kind of exercise or something because you are a fat piece of shit.

DOs & DON'Ts—Smokes
Always let people bum smokes, no matter how many you have left. It is a fucking cigarette, and it's the principle of the thing we're talking about here.

DOs & DON'Ts—Drugs
If you aren't at work, smoke weed whenever you want. But you are not allowed to go around telling everyone how stoned you are. That's for 13-year-olds.

As we've said before, no bumps of coke after 4:30 a.m.

Prior to age 25, it is OK to have one night of dabbling with heroin every six months. After 25, no more getting down with the brown. You'll just look like a gross old junkie the next day. You can switch to pills for your every-six-months opiate indulgence until you have kids. Then you never get to relax again until you're a senior citizen.

DOs & DON'Ts—Random dudes
Girls: Don't be rude to guys who come up to you even somewhat respectfully in bars. They're only doing it because they think you are pretty.

Do engage with maniacs who bare their souls to you at parties. If someone tells you how his mother died of pancreatic cancer, ask a million questions. What did it feel like? What did the room she died in smell like? Don't be struck dumb and usually it will even out within five minutes. Before you know it, he's telling you how he hates cheap watches.

DOs & DON'Ts—Never say never
Don't ever say no to a reasonable invitation to do something that might be fun. This is a WASP rule, and one of the reasons why rich white people rule the planet.

DOs & DON'Ts—Drunk partners
It's always risky to whisper to your boy/girl that they're waaay too drunk and maybe they should go home from the bar where everybody is laughing at them.

All you're going to get in response is: "Get the fuck off meeee, bitch. You don't know what it's like." Then they will bring up all kinds of shit they never wanted to bring up before, like how their mother hates you. If they do this, the best way to handle it is NOT to start screaming back at them. You just maintain a calm face, shrug your shoulders at the people around you, and hope that one of them is your buddy and will help you out. His or your friends are much better at getting your drunken piece-of-shit boyfriend to go home than you are.

DOs & DON'Ts—Hosting
If you have a party, you have to pay for everything. If you can't afford to pay for booze, you have to make it very clear during the invite and apologize the whole time. Also, a host should be constantly worried that people aren't having a good time. He has to say, "Don't worry about it," if something gets broken, and he has to clean up everything all by himself. Same with having people over for dinner. Guests may not do any dishes. The most they will be allowed to do is carry their plates to the kitchen. Same goes for threesomes. If you set it up, you have to make sure everyone's taken care of.

DOs & DON'Ts—Time to leave
Maybe the reason this party's turned "gay" and all the music's turned down isn't because everybody's "boring." It's probably because they want you to leave. Don't start saying outrageous bullshit like "So what's your favorite race of people and your worst race of people?" to provoke a reaction. Just fucking go home. Outstaying your welcome is one of the world's biggest DON'Ts.

DOs & DON'Ts—Selling cocaine
Being a coke dealer can play on your conscience, so if one of your customers starts ordering 20 grams a week for themselves and you can see they're starting to fall to pieces, just tell them you're going on holiday. Now it's going to be a bit tougher for them to get their blow. It's also going to be easier for them to slow down, and you won't lose your trade altogether like you would have if you'd refused to sell them any or given them a big speech.

Remember, a good clientele is one of the most important things a drug dealer can possess. If your best customers start dying, then all their friends (who're probably customers, as well) will hate you.

Also, if you're a coke dealer and you've been selling to the same person for ages, it never hurts to give them a free one every so often. And the "no credit" rule is a rule that you shouldn't stick to if you don't want to be replaced by the 878 different dealers who live in the same square mile as you. One or two free bags or a credit note every six months isn't going to kill you.


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