DRINK FIGHT FUCK

Towers Of London are these five obnoxious hair metal guys who sound like a fucked up version of GG Allin, Skrewdriver and Motley Crüe. They have a look that's so much of a DON'T that it's almost a DO. They cut their own hair and use toilet brushes and old lady's hairspray to keep it looking like they're the guys who got crushed at the Guns N' Roses concert at Donington in the early 90s but have come back from the dead to piss everybody off.

78 per cent of the time they go out together they get into fights. In the past 12 months they've had fights with Mairead from Queens Of Noize, The Others, some photographer guys who were hassling them for looking stupid and, most recently, Alan McGee. Their guitarist pulled him over the mixing desk at Death Disco because he was drunk and wanted to tell him how much he loved him without coming across as too much of a homo. Weird eh? I dunno, maybe it wasn't the best thing to do. Actually it probably was—every single band that McGee's ever dealt with usually gets in fights every night and does way too many drugs. Especially Teenage Fanclub.

Errr, so two main guys in the band are these kids Donny and Dirk Tourette (I think their names are made up). Born in Liverpool, they were probably kicked out of their houses by their parents at age 12 for being naughty and so they moved to a shitty suburb of London and formed their band.

Now they rehearse in this horrible air raid shelter in Uxbridge that probably has asbestos in the roof. I went there once and it stinks. There was booze and drugs and these skanky girls everywhere who had cold sores and scabby legs. They were still pretty fuckable though. The girls I mean, not the band.
I'm a guy.

VICE: Do you dress that way to make people fight you?

Donny: No. I dress like this to look cool.

Ooohkaaayye. So who cuts your fucking hair?

I do. People think that if you've got long hair you're going to be a bit of a pussy. If they try that sort of shit with us then they'll get dealt with and they deserve nothing better than that. I've never gone out to start a fight. If you want to make a sly comment you should expect to get wopped basically.

What's "wopped"? When an Italian hits you?

Stop interrupting me.

JACK McSCARFACE
Towers Of London have a song on the next Vice compilation CD. Out soon.