PARTYING IN PRISON

Don't let this bum you out, but British prison suicides are up by a huge fucking 40 per cent. Right now, with 80.2 per cent of all inmates being certified workheads, life's so bad inside that you've got to have a pretty intense PMA to get to sleep, let alone get the party started.

Recently, I spoke to Grime MC Crazy Titch, better known as Durrty Doogz' harder half-brother, who recently completed a two and a half year bid for robbing a bookies with a screwdriver when he was 16. Putting the two GCSEs he earned while inside to good use (C in maths, D in English), we found him roaming around Stratford with a vicious mutt called Romeo, threatening to "merk" any MC that crossed their path. Then we asked him about parties and prison and it sounded like a total nightmare.

VICE: Did they have any parties in prison?

Crazy Titch: They have little gatherings and video nights in Feltham, but that's just for juveniles though. Once you turn 18 you ain't getting none of that. The only day there is any kind of party in prison is New Year's Eve. No one gives a shit about Christmas, but a new year means less bird, so a man is feeling to kick up his door. That's what goes from about half eleven to two o'clock in the morning, doors are getting non-stop beaten down, lickin' up the whole cellblock. Them doors are real bastards, you're kicking them and they ain't goin' nowhere. You can do in the paintwork, but then they take your trainers away and you're fucked.

What about riots? Aren't they kinda like parties?

The best riots I saw was in Osprey, they held up the wing for about 6 hours, all the screws were scared, but then these next screws come dressed like Men In Black. They was from another prison and weren't gonna see you again so it was just a day out for them beating the shit out of mans. They had a party on us.

What about the day you got out, you must have partied hard then, right?

Well, my brothers Doogz and Perry picked me up in a BMW 325. It had a PlayStation 2 in it and everything. I'd seen a PlayStation 2, but I'd never seen a PlayStation 2 in a car before. We drove home and I was just blazin'. As soon as I got out and there was no more screws about, I was happy. I went to see my mum, went shopping, barbers, more shopping. I must've copped about 7 pairs of trainers that day. We went to some rave that night, but there were too many people and I got upset. I couldn't handle it. Prison fucks you up, man.

MATT MASON
Check for Crazy Titch's mixtape coming out soon. It will "cost around a fiver, but is worth a tenner." He can currently be seen Conflict DVD, merking Dizzee Rascal live on Déjà Vu FM.