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Not since surgeons started making dinks out of lesbians’ vaginas have I seen such a beautiful piece of greatness so hideously deformed. Christmas Chucks? Are you kidding me? When I asked the guy that he said, “They used to have jingle bells on the back but they got on my nerves.” That’s like saying, “I don’t like it when people take shits on my chest because of that weird crackling sound it makes when it comes out their butts.” Comments/Enlarge | See all



OK, maybe it’s time to make this perfectly clear to everyone over 30: You can’t disguise baldness with the close shave (“the millenium comb-over,” as Billy Connolly put it). Even if you put sunglasses on top, no more going to the club (pubs and bars only), your girlfriends all have to be within 5 years of your age (if she’s near 30 it’s time to get married and give her a kid), you need a job outside of the service industry (musician or actor don’t count). And as far as passionately following rave culture goes, you’re kidding right?
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You guys need to take this dude on vacation like a little brown canary in a coalmine where, if he doesn’t get laid, you realize nobody can and you move on to the next town.
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FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT!

Partying With the Beastie Boys


Photo by Ricky Powell


After hearing the Beasties' new album, To The 5 Boroughs, we could only think about two things. One: "That sounded a lot like the last album only with better beats and way cornier lyrics (‘On the L I'm doin' swell'?)." Two: "LET'S PARTY!" So we went to their studio to see about bringing it on. After all, aren't these the guys with the big dink thing on stage with the beer flying everywhere and the hot Asians being passed around? Right when we were thinking that, my man Mike D walked into the room along with King Ad Rock, hey-oh!

Mike D (to PR guy Steve): Yauch isn't here, and I'm just texting him now to find out where he is, all right?

Steve: Sure, if you don't make it to The Fader shoot, it's not my problem. Hey, these are the guys from Vice.
[Pleasantries exchanged.]
Guys, why don't you tell them your idea?

VICE: Well, we were thinking Ad Rock could interview the other guys—tell them they're amazing and stuff like that. The reader would be like, "Who is this asslicker?" and they wouldn't know it was Adam until they got to the byline.

Mike D: [after texting Yauch] OK, why don't we just go to where he is and tell the photographer to meet us there?

Steve: OK. Did you hear the Vice pitch?

Mike D: What?

Ad Rock: Apparently I'm supposed to be licking your ass or something.

Well, you could do it any way you want, really. You wouldn't even have to do it with a microphone. You could just email back and forth.

Mike D: We're always around each other. It would actually be stupid to do it by email because we'd be emailing someone we're right next to.

Well, that's our idea. I don't know. Maybe it will grow on you.

Mike D: Yeah, right, as soon as you guys leave and this place empties out, all of a sudden it will be a completely different idea. Then we'll love it. [Turns around and goes back to text messaging.]

OK, I guess we're going to go then.

Ad Rock: All right.

JESSE PEARSON & GAVIN MCINNES

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