 CHAIR PARTY
Starting the Party Issue Off With a Bang!This month it was decided that everyone had to be wasted. All editorial meetings were conducted drunk, in bars, and every writer was told he or she needs to have at least a bit of a buzz going while writing. I personally have had about three king cans of Budweiser and my instructions were simply, "W...
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  BY DESIGN
What would parties be without flyers? It's not like the good old days when news of an event would pass organically from one tribe to another at the well. Aside from assuring you a drunken, sweaty model with erect nipples is going to be there, the printed flyer spreads the word like only selective gu...
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 PARTY DOWN
A New Philosophy Kills HangoversWant to get wasted? Me too, fuckface, but what I don't want to do is spend the next day like I'm in Jacob's Ladder (only with more diarrhea and barfs). Once I was so hungover on a plane I started getting pangs of searing pain in my hands and these apocalyptic white flashes. When I went to puke in th...
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 DEAR DIARY
Entry: Summer 1996Summer 1996
Dear Diary,
I got a phone call tonight from this guy who says his name is Tom Nasp and he told me I was on the guest list for a Beastie Boys private party at the Palladium this Saturday night! I get to bring +4 people. ...
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 PINK PARTY
When Festivities Get UglyI recently had a Pink Homo Party to celebrate our Texas governor's extra-homo affair with our very well-known flamer secretary of state. My guests were straight guys with queer eyes and they showed up in some of the most pristine vintage Izod sport finery you've ever seen. Clad in 50s pink golf slac...
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 DOS & DON'TS
Hey, lesbians, why you gotta hate? We're not all bad. Some of us are perfectly able to stop talking to our friends for a minute and help a woman remain decent while she goes. I was there, BTW, and the guy didn't even look at her during the main part. He did threaten to kick my ass after this picture...
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 BELT PARTY TONIGHT
(Not In A Homo Way, Though)The South isn't sleeping. Not the one I know. This South is drinking shitty bourbon by the handle, doing lines, and showing off the purple and yellow bruises striping its ass and back. It's waiting for the women and pussies to go home, because everybody around here knows that the after-party is the ...
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 OUT THERE
"Out there" music (like, "Wow that's some weird and far out free jazz") is one thing, but what about when music is literally out there, like it was recorded in fields, caves, meadows, and the seaside? What are you going to do then, buddy? If you have a brain and a heart, you are going to love it....
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 HOME SURGERY PARTY
How to Operate on Your GuestsDoctors are boring. They don't have borders, true, but they also don't have any fucking clue what is going on. Doctors Without Remedies, they ought to be called. Who are they anyway? Do they just make up this shit? Like, take that hammer thing they do when they hit you on the knee and say, "Good ref...
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 FRATS VS. PUNKS
It's the Same Fucking PartyI once heard a horrible, horrible man (my biological dad) say, "An Irishman is just a nigger turned inside out." Though that quote is wrong for a plethora of reasons, it can be effectively used to describe punks, who are essentially frat boys turned inside out....
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 POCKETS DUMB FAT
Just like the best below-the-radar hip-hop instrumental of all-time is East Flatbush Project's "Tried By 12" (freestyle bed for discerning rappers up and down the FDR Drive, the Belt Parkway, and the Deegan), the worst-kept-secret of house music has always been "Hot Music," by Soho, one of the recor...
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 HAMSTER PARTY THROWDOWN
Two Men Enter, One Man LeavesIn the interest of putting an end to drinking contests forever (they kill 10s of people a year, you know) we decided to stage the ultimate throwdown of all fucking time so that anybody who ever thought about doing one again would be like, "Oops, can't hack it. I'm a total pussy compared to those two...
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 SKINEMA
I apologize for name-dropping but Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden once told me how in the band's heyday they'd have these really polite, gentlemanly gang-bangs where they'd all be in a hotel room, naked, with a girl. ...
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 THE VICE GUIDE TO PARTYING
Party hosting isn't something one can just dive into headlong and willy-nilly. You don't throw a baby into the deep end of an Olympic pool with five-pound weights tied to its tiny legs (unless you want it to die), do you? As a partymeister, you have to be ready for any eventuality, such as running o...
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 TIDBITS
A monthly look at things we love - v11n5SWEEN CREAM
Guitarist Matt Sweeney is a stallion, and stallions roam free and that means there are a lot of pretty girls with broken hearts wondering what the fuck happened. What are you supposed to do when, after months of having his gigantic octoroon frame drench your face in jizz, the...
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 HEY DJ, FUCK YOU!
Anyone Can Rock the PartyYou know that thing called DJing? Playing records in bars or at stupid art openings for money? Guess what DJing is? The biggest fucking bullshit con of all time! People who get over as DJs are making the easiest money ever, because they've convinced every PR person and club owner in the world that t...
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 BUT HEY, DJ, WAIT A SEC!
What The Fuck Are "Party Records"?Face it, pal, your girl's not dancing. She might bounce around to the occasional Lil' Jon track or something, but she's not losing herself to the music in the moment. That's because females only dance to party records. And we're not talking about "O.P.P." here. Party records are those DJ tools with ...
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 FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT!
Partying With the Beastie BoysAfter hearing the Beasties' new album, To The 5 Boroughs, we could only think about two things. One: "That sounded a lot like the last album only with better beats and way cornier lyrics ('On the L I'm doin' swell'?)." Two: "LET'S PARTY!" So we went to their studio to see about bringing it on. After...
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 BBQ PARTY TODAY, OK?
Playa Fly is the Real Southern RapWhat with the ridiculous amount of attention paid lately to Southern rap, it's about time Playa Fly gets some love. I mean, Lil' Flip is OK, but J-Kwon is a one-hit-wonder. And do you really know anything about Memphis crunksters Three 6 Mafia? Name three of their songs besides "Sippin' On Some Syru...
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 FUCKIN' EH!
Death From Above Born From a PartyOn your stereo, Death From Above (not to be confused with New York production team DFA) sound like No Means No and Sightings, only seven times scarier. Live, however, it's 37 times scarier. The band is a mere two guys, but the bass and keyboards of Jesse Keeler suicide-attack the drums and vocals of...
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 FANTASY PARTY
Joanna Newsom vs. The Wolf-GodJoanna Newsom is so precious she's basically a Hummel figurine. An elfin girl in a prairie dress who lilts like an Appalachian Björk and sings about Cair Paravel? That goes so deep into Cute Town, it crosses over into Total Badassville. And that's where Joanna currently resides. And that's also why ...
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 2C-T-FY-DIC.HEAD
New Designer Drugs Kill Parties 4-EverDear Human Toilet,
Taking lots of drugs doesn't have to turn you into a drooling idiot but researching the drugs' scientific properties and then regurgitating the tedious facts to me at shitty parties does.
The biggest offenders are the creeps who keep boring me about these new ...
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 CAPTAIN BRING DOWN SAYS...
Parties Aren't So GreatIn fact, parties* are terrible things. Horrific piles of nonsense full of lost souls wandering around looking desperately for someone drunk or lonely enough to throw their decorum to the wind and engage in something heart-crippling in a toilet or nearby bedroom. This is parties. Parties are darkness...
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 ELECTRIC INDEPENDENCE
My friend Greg is getting married and it's the funniest thing I've ever seen. I like going out with him and his future bride because I know that underneath all the hugs and kisses, he's scared shitless. He's happy to say hello to a new life with his fiancée, but he's also really, really scared to sa...
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 PARTYING IN PRISON
Shocking Out With Crazy TitchDon't let this bum you out, but British prison suicides are up by a huge fucking 40 per cent. Right now, with 80.2 per cent of all inmates being certified workheads, life's so bad inside that you've got to have a pretty intense PMA to get to sleep, let alone get the party started....
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 GAMES
SmashedSmashed
Genre: Fun racer
Platform: PS2, X-Box, PC
Developer: Supersonic
I don't understand games that strive to reflect the total fucking banality and pointlessness of real life....
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 GRIMEWATCH
There's no fronting on Dogzee's line from Target's "STDs". Great to have UK MCs finally saying stuff we can all relate to....
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 VICE 1ST BIRTHDAY
Pictures From the PartiesROCKSTAR GAMES AND MADA PRESENT
THE VICE 1ST BIRTHDAY PARTIES...
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 PARTY IN THE WOODS TONIGHT
Animal Collective Want You to ComeListening to Animal Collective, you get the sense that they've have had some trouble letting go of their childhoods. After spending time with them, this theory is confirmed beyond doubt. They divide their hours equally between outdoorsy shit (dancing around campfires and climbing trees) and putting ...
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 PUNK ROCK VILLAGE PEOPLE
!!! Party SteadilyNothing says, "Let's get this fucking party started" quite like pouring a full beer all over yourself. Australians know this better than anyone. We drink so much beer it's not even funny. (Granted, we have nothing on the Czechs, but then, we have hot girls and sunshine to distract us occasionally.)...
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