YAY! YOGIS CAN FLY!

I am a firm believer in Transcendental Meditation (TM) as taught by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. I've been doing TM since I was five. I'm also the editor of this magazine. That's not unlike showing up to a KKK rally dressed as Boy George. Due to my beliefs, I am repeatedly referred to as "Ladyboy," and for my birthday recently, I received a Shirley MacLaine book, along with a note that read, "Don't worry, you'll still be a stupid fag in your next life."

No matter what the reprobates say, Yogic Flying is part of an advanced mode of meditation as performed by people called Sidhis. People call us flakes because they see TM as a cult where Sidhis "pretend" to fly by hopping around cross-legged. There is no scam going on. By "flying" we simply mean spontaneously hopping three to five feet off the ground while sitting in the lotus position. It's a state of bliss that, if instituted on a large scale, would bring irreversible peace to the world, seriously. TM provides you with a way out. A route to an enlightened utopia no matter where you are, even in London.

If the office barbs get too bad, I point out that I'm not the only one who believes this. Then they say, "Who else? Doug Henning (a Canadian magician) and a bunch of middle-aged women with no education?" and then I say, "No, one of your favorite directors, David Lynch."

"If the square root of 1% of the world's population practiced Yogic Flying," David said from his home in L.A. when I called him looking for support, "we could create world peace. That's all we need. That's 8,000 people." Then he added, "One very wealthy person should back a group of perpetual meditators to maintain harmony."

What Lynch, who's been meditating since 1973, is talking about is the Vedic science of consciousness, which says that war begins in the collective minds of societies. Do you know what a bad vibe is? Bad vibes are why you feel like stabbing that piece-of-shit trustafarian rapper you see at the coffee shop every day, and why those Iraqi kids tore a few American civilians limb from limb in Fallujah. We can plant a seed that nips that kind of negative energy in the bud.

"Peace isn't just the absence of violence," David said in closing. "Peace is its own thing, just like light is its own thing."

Lynch's quotes didn't faze my coworkers, but I have comfort knowing that I'm the only person here who gets hugged by the cuddly cosmos twice a day when I sit down to try and levitate.

P.S. They insisted on that title.

JESSE PEARSON
[Publisher's note: "TM" is for flakes and we don't understand why Jesse believes in this fucking horseshit.]