OUT OF MY LIPS

Is it safe to say that the three-way kiss is officially the most annoying new phenomenon of the new millennium? Yes, it is.

I just watched the insipid movie Laurel Canyon, featuring another groundbreaking three-way kiss between Frances McDormand, a guy, and another girl. It took place in a pool, where most of them take place. My girlfriend gasped as if we'd been hit by another terrorist attack. Now that I think about it, aren't these on-screen three-way kisses akin to terrorist attacks? And what's next? Three-way gay marriage? Three—not two—gays getting all the benefits of marriage.

Can you imagine: You're living in your modest, single-family home with your wife and kids and then next door, three married gays move in. You've gotta be fucking me! Now I have to pack up my wife and kids into the station wagon and head to Washington to protest gays—not to mention make my twin eight-year-olds paint their own placards reading, "GAYS ARE WRONG"—even though I know the President agrees with me.

I appeal to Hollywood and Israel: Stop the blatant overuse of the three-way kiss in cinema. I don't want to live in a society where three takes the place of two. We all know that the kiss was designed for two heterosexual people to enjoy. And I'm not one of those people who get physically ill if I see two guys kissing. I do get angry, but not ill. But three? C'mon.

And I'm not puritanical. I'm just realistic. Admittedly, I tried a three-way kiss once at a club on the Lower East Side. It was awkward and unruly and had little or no significance to society as a whole. It could have destroyed my relationship with my infant son. Fortunately, I put a stop to it midway through and politely asked the guy to leave so I could pursue a traditional one-on-one kiss with the drunk teenager who had just seen my show. Well, this spoiled the whole mood, and I had to get on my bike, dejected, and ride home to my family.

Seriously, movies and television have been scientifically proven to influence the behavior patterns of people in America and elsewhere. If we continue to be titillated by the sight of three actors kissing in a pool, then soon we'll be doing it in our real lives. Is that what you want for this society? And then, what's to stop us from four people kissing? Five? Six? SEVEN?! That's like the 60s, when nothing mattered. Haven't we evolved in the 40-some-odd years between then and now?

I recently made up the fact that Islamic militants are now promised three-way kisses in heaven in place of the 40 virgins traditionally offered if they sacrifice themselves in the name of Allah. That is just an illustration of what might happen if we continue on this dangerous path. Again, I appeal to Hollywood. Do not distribute the film Laurel Canyon to nations where Islamic fundamentalists live.

In summary, if you are presented with the opportunity to experiment with a three-way kiss, resist the temptation even if the other two people tell you "It's cool" or "C'mon, man, it's like that movie Laurel Canyon." I met this demon headon in that fire pit of hell on the Lower East Side and I came out having slayed the dragon. How? I don't have all the answers. I just know I let my internal compass take over, and if you don't have the kind of compass that I have, you should go seek help.

JON BENJAMIN

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