NEWSLETTER

See all articles by this contributor

Can somebody please outlaw transatlantic long-distance relationships? My BFF's boy lives in LA and she lives in London and they're both going totally fucking crazy. Here's why:

1. Not only is paranoia eating them alive, they're also falling out over things like who pays for the plane tickets, who pays for the phone, what time is best to call and how they can never get hold of each other when they're most "in need". Boo hoo.
2.Because she doesn't cheat on him, she never gets laid. Previously, my friend was a rabid horndog who dallied with different dudes all the time. Her enforced celibacy has turned her into a frustrated, angry bitch who's always punching the wall and drinking way too much.
3. No matter how amazing it is when they see each other (for two weeks every three months) the final couple of days before the trip is over are so filled with sadness that they forget 90 per cent of the good times they had when they were together.
4. When they get back home they're both essentially single and totally lonely again, so they start to hit booze and drugs pretty heavily. That usually means those late-night love conversations they used to have turn into emotional scream fests where she smashes her phone to pieces (twice now).

Recently Vice asked me to interview Josephine Olausson from the Gothenburg band Love Is All about their AMAZING new 7" "Make Out Fall Out Make Up". She told me that her boyfriend lived in San Francisco so we got to talking and she totally confirmed what I've been saying all along. The European - Yank long distance relationships must die.

So why did you choose to date a guy who lives on the other side of the world?

I guess the long-distance relationship chose me. I'm hoping that it's not got going to be long-distance forever

What's so good about him?

He's funny, he's sweet and he makes good food. He likes eating. When he visits me or I visit him I always get proper breakfast in bed, a proper American breakfast. He makes amazing things like different kinds of omelette and poached eggs and hollandaise sauce. Since he left five weeks ago I've been eating muesli and sour milk. I've lost weight but I'm totally miserable

ANITA CRAPPER
Love Is All's Make Out Fall Out Make Up 7" is out now on What's Your Rupture. An album is in the pipeline and if you recognise Josephine that's because she used to be in that band Girlfriendo.

< PREV

MORE FROM THIS ISSUE

NEXT >