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DOS & DON'TS

Remember all those soul-deadening jobs where they’d make you wear some stained-up secondhand workshirt that came down to your knees and how hard you’d try to cool up the periphery in case you ran into anybody you knew? I wonder if that’s why punk and goth girls always cram so much shit on their necks and arms. Comments/Enlarge | See all


You know 500 years from now some asshole is going to think this is what people in the 20th century looked like. It's like how we take the entire middle ages and go, "Oh yeah, they were a bunch of dickhead knights." Comments/Enlarge | See all






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DEAR DIARY

Entry: December, 1991




December, 1991
Dear Diary,
On Thursday I went to the Thanksgiving Day Parade with Steve, Jamie, and Alex. Boyz II Men KISSED ME! On Friday was the camp reunion and Shari, Marla, Liaht, and Debbie were totally avoiding us. I really used to like them. Too bad. Saturday was Staci's B-M, it was awesome. I really hate Kerri and Amanda. Rebecca too. Finally, Sunday, first night of Hannukah. I got a Ouija Board! Cool! Well, gotta go!
Lesley

PS. My BFFs "R" Michelle, Joey, Mia, Marcie, Noelle
I'm kinda very popular.

March, 2004
OK, so when I wrote that Boyz II Men "kissed" me, I was totally lying. What I actually meant was that maybe they were looking at me from the 15th floor of the building I was on, and if it just so happens that they were, then one of them blew me a kiss. I was so certain that it was me they were in love with that I told everyone they kissed me. This is probably why Shari and Marla and Liaht and Debbie were avoiding me. Maybe they thought I was a liar. By "Staci's B-M was awesome," I didn't mean bowel movement, I meant bat mitzvah. God, aren't these entries getting repetitive? It's always about something Jewish and someone hating me. Actually, Steve, my neighbor who took me to the parade, sometimes "kissed" and "hugged" me a little too much. He was an old man that my parents trusted, but he was a pedophile. Seriously. One time, when I was 13, he went to give me my babysitting money, but instead of handing it to me he slipped it in my bra strap. This is inappropriate even if you're 25, but I was 13! He also tried to hang out and "party" with me a few times, but finally I told my mom and she yelled at him (this is what moms are supposed to do). He was gross, and I won't get into too many more details, but let's just say… he raped me. Just kidding! He contacted me recently and I had to sic my mom on him again.

I guess I should also mention my first kiss, which was Todd Leiberman. This happened at camp, most likely just a few months before the entry above was written. He was wearing some sort of exotic Jew-y cologne and it was fucking gnarlsburg. I had to brush my teeth immediately afterwards. I hated kissing then and I hate it now. Don't care much for hugs either.

LESLEY ARFIN

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