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Everyone is broke right now. Maybe it's because Bush is sending a hundred billion dollars into Iraq (how many zeroes is that, like, 20?) or maybe it's just because laziness is at an all-time high. The point is, college students need a lot of money and they need it now (especially girls, because they have to buy shoes). The sex industry is a great way to make cash, but sucking dicks in an alleyway is a little too scary. That's where internet porn comes in. Even the girl next door can make a few thousand a month, plus you can gauge exactly how far you want to take it. You can stop at playacting silliness like burningangel.com, where you make essentially no money but get to meet cute boys with tattoos, or you can become a full-on sex worker at sites like camcontacts.com, where you make pretty good money fucking yourself on a live webcam.
Last Saturday (Feb. 28), 500 women showed up at an internet porn casting party to be photographed by Terry Richardson. Some wanted to make money flashing their beavs online, some wanted to be successful nude models, and some just wanted to find out why all their friends were getting into porn. Personally, we think the whole thing is a downer. If you don't do the heavy shit, you're making a mockery of the poor bastards who do, and if you do do the heavy shit, you're a poor bastard. We randomly grabbed some of the girls from Terry's shoot and asked them what they want to be when they grow up. Then we gave them a better suggestion. Here's what they said:
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 SHIT DISTURBER
How to Clean an Old Lady's AssVICE: You have one of the most disgusting jobs I've ever heard of.
Tom O'Sullivan: Well, I work 12-hour shifts for £14,000 a year as an assistant nurse in Kingston Hospital in London....
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  VICE PICTURES
Angela has wanted to work with dead bodies since she was nine years old––she just wasn't sure how because she wanted to be an artist too. It's hard enough to succeed in just one of those fields, so she must be a robot or something because she ended up not only graduating from Yale's storied photogra...
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 THE WORLD'S GREATEST JOB
The Life of a Jizz MopperVICE: I thought jizz moppers didn't exist anymore. Isn't it illegal to beat off in public places now?
Mike Hilliard: If the police raid your video store and they find a bunch of guys all beating each other off, it can get your store closed down in a minute. But quiet jerkers in one-p...
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 DEAR DIARY
Entry: April, 1998April, 1998
I don't even want to try to write for the "Open Your Eyes and See" essay contest. I know I won't win so why should I even fucking bother? I wish more than anything else in the world–wait, honestly, if I had had three wishes they would be...
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 UNGRATEFUL DEAD
Embalmbing the HatedYes, I'm a funeral director. That doesn't mean that I stand there in a jacket and skirt at someone's wake comforting the bereaved family. Nope. What I do is slave away in cold basements trying to prevent your loved ones' dead bodies from looking like mangled pieces of meat....
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 ELECTRIC INDEPENDENCE
Attention, all uber-minimal techno geeks: take a deep breath and brace yourself for the bad news: the revenge of the nerds is over. Your days of standing around at concerts, arms folded, contemplating the "evocative meta-narratives" and "poignant de-emphasizing of negative space" are coming to an en...
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 WHEN I GROW UP
My Career in JobsI moved to New York in the late 1980s–the Jay McInerney, Spy magazine, Donald and Ivana Trump, merger-and-acquisition, junk-bond boom-time. Most of my formerly arty college pals were in law or business school, but none of them were interested in either law or business. They just wanted to get paid. ...
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 VICE FASHION - BOYS FROM BRAZIL
The backstreets of Lapa and Gloria in RIO, Brazil, are filled with some of the most self-obsessed young men in the world. In the alleyways, hotel rooms and doorways of the grubby red light district work some of the world's most ambitious teenage transexual male prostitutes....
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 THE VICE GUIDE TO BECOMING A WHORE IN 2004
Ok, let's cut the shit here. Working in the "sex industry" fucking blows. Suicide Girls get to have hairy armpits, and it's fun to put your picture up on onlyundiesclub.com, but that's playacting. Real sex work is about showing up at a millionaire crackhead's house with a big box of Wet Ones, lettin...
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 POCKETS DUMB FAT
Listen, Columbo. You're mad because your money comes slow, and what you make in a year, I make at one show. So quit hating–Harlemworld's back up in this bitch, back like it left something. And Santana's Town ain't playing. Jim Jones, whose comedy-rap contributions to the Dip Set album were not to be...
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 LYING HOMO
How I Bluffed My Way into Old PornI went through a major George Costanza phase in my early 20s in terms of jobs. I worked on Wall Street for a day before they realized I knew nothing about the stock market. I was an editor for a Disney publication for two weeks until it became apparent I was signing off on anything and had no idea w...
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 SKINEMA
You know Ghostface Killer is my dad, right? I mean he's going to be my dad. ...
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 HIGH SPY
Smoke Pot With Me and You're FiredHello! I'm a coldhearted, misanthropic drug addict, and if you work in any small-to-medium-to-huge-size company it's very likely you spend each day alongside somebody like me.
Last year, the U.S. Department of Justice announced that nearly one million individuals become victims of violent c...
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 TIDBITS
A monthly look at things we love - v11n3TRAVIS BICKLE LIGHTER
I like using this lighter because when I first got it, I was like, "Ha-ha, what a nut that Travis Bickle was," but now that I'm older I'm like, "What do you mean?" The only thing weird about him now was that he took a girl to a porn movie on a date. ...
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 FRENCHING THE DISABLED
A Life Devoted to Making the Handicapped HappyMy job until recently consisted of washing, feeding, and caring for various teenagers with physical and mental disabilities. I worked at a state-owned facility that doubled as a school and residence for kids whose parents either couldn't handle their needs or no longer wanted them around....
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 GIRL FIGHTS
Dying for CashI was waiting for my girlfriend to finish thrift shopping at Aardvark's in Venice Beach when I noticed a really attractive black girl sitting on the boardwalk with an ice pack on her head. As I walked up to see what was going on another girl walked out holding her eye. I stood staring at them until ...
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 I LOVE THE LIBERTINES
But They're Really Fucked UpThings started to get really dark for The Libertines around about the time they were making the debut album with Mick Jones in London towards the end of 2002.
I'd originally met them in autumn 2001 when their old manager turned up in a limo outside my office and gave me beer and crisps and ...
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 LIGHTNING BALD
The Man Who Made The Darkness Shine Is FiredLighting engineers are the kings of rock and roll.
As well as not having to suffer the indignity of pretending to "rock out" every night for delusional idiots, we get better money, our careers last longer than three years, and we get just as much pussy as the musicians....
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 GARAGE GOES ESKIMO
How Wiley Changed Pirate MaterialBefore Dizzee Rascal got signed and became the emo-hipster's poster child of the year, he was a struggling East London garage MC and his best buddy was a kid called Wiley who pioneered the "Eskimo Dance" that 90 percent of all Dizzee's beats are based upon (the underground garage of today is often c...
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 M.O.P.'S MOMMY
The Crazy Fox Behind the ScenesM.O.P. are the music industry's biggest bullies, the gun-clapping Ted Nugents of hip-hop, and probably the only artists whose entire discography can be summed up in three words (I kill you). But when Billy Danze and Lil' Fame sing "Handle Ur Business," they're secretly paying tribute to Fox, the onl...
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 BEATS AND RHYMES
You know how Black British music doesn't count for shit outside of London? Maybe the main reason is that so many British rappers are lazy potheads who rap too much about things that nobody cares about. Look at Blade with his "Pop Idol" single that pointed out that "Pop Idol is bullshit" or something...
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 NO MORE WORK
Kate Wax Doesn't Give A ShitKate Wax had a job once. She sold sports shoes in a shop in Geneva but hated it. "I dropped it after one month," she says. You can't blame her. What kind of bullshit job is that when you're obviously destined to be the next electro-pop superstar heroine? They should've paid her triple just to stand ...
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 I WANT MY DVDS
Gang Tapes, Oxbow - Music For Adults: A Film About A Band Called Oxbow...
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 VICE FASHION - BANKERS
Did you know average salary of a 25-year-old investment banker ranges from £40,000 to £60,000 a year? Usually they'll make the same amount in bonuses.
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 GAMES
Transformers, Pac-ManTransformers
Publisher/Developer: Atari
Platform: PS2
Genre: Stealth action robot
Apart from Megatron being this weird gun thing that didn't really work as a toy, the evil Decepticons were so much better than the mummy's boy Autobots....
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 LAPDANCERS UNITE
Regulating The Australian Strip Club IndustryIf you ask any of the girls working down at Melbourne strip joint Spearmint Rhino how they feel about getting paid to wave their pink bits at people, most will tell you they're getting a pretty sweet deal, despite what may seem like unfair conditions....
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 BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING
Again and Again and Again...I have had some fucked up jobs in my time, but have now, most definitely, reached an all time low. I work for what's known as an "information monitoring service". You're thinking, "oh I remember job day at my grade school, I ALWAYS wanted to be an information-monitor-slash-news-writer. Who cares abo...
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 FIRE A FRIEND
The Government Shows You HowAfter failing to get any of the eight jobs for which I recently had interviews, I decided that something was definitely amiss. The position requirements for each matched my skill level, so the only conclusion I could come to was that there were too many people going for too few jobs. I stomped my fo...
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 KING OF COOL
Woody Has Never Had a Bad JobYou know those people who are just innately cool? Those people who seem to do cool shit all the fucking time (probably even when they stay at home all day) and don't even try? Those rare folkies who have managed to get through life without ever working in a call centre? Well Woody is one of them!...
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 LOADED BASSES
Baseball Change The ScoreA lot of bands at the moment seem to share a similar formula. Sure, they mix in their own unique ingredients, but the recipe remains pretty much the same. Well Baseball doesn't go down like any of them. They play an intense mish mash of electro Bambatta, Arabian violin and mix it up with causal poli...
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 PRETTY IN PINK
Ajax Gets Righteous on Selling OutVICE: So this is the work issue. Name and occupation?
Ajax: Ajax (just waiting for that pseudonym to retrograde!). I dj and perform with DAMN, am a music consultant, produce, remix, and edit material for fashion wankers and corporate winkies alike and I co promote the Bang Gang with my g...
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 VICE PARTY
Pictures from the most recent partyONE TEASPOON CLASSIC DENIM LAUNCH PARTY
Presented By Vice And Kirin...
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