What ever happened to Herb Lubalin, Grapus, Tadanori Yokoo, Ken Adam (the Dr. Stranglelove/James Bond set guy), Kate Gibb, Saul Bass, Shinro Ohtake, Keiji Ito, Willy Fleckhaus, and all those Polish poster artists?

Being a designer used to mean you drove a Benz and you could get good drugs. Now it means you own a computer. What the fuck? You start out thinking you're going to blow people's minds with your incredibly unique take on the beauty that surrounds us all, and by the time you actually get your career in motion you're essentially a wedding photographer chained to a desk.

It starts in design school, where they have so few computers they make you learn Microsoft Word forever under the pretense that you're "getting the foundations." By the time you graduate, the little bit of software knowledge you did get is totally out-of-date (even as I write this Quark is getting phased out to make room for InDesign). You think you can reverse all this drudgery when you make your first club flyer but that's when the pain really sets in. You see, your ideas don't mean shit to the client. He couldn't be bothered learning how to use a computer, so what he wants to do is use you as a human paintbrush. Any idea you come up with, no matter how mundane, is going to be further bastardized by his shitty Guido taste until the final result is a perfect example of everything you hate. There, you got into design as part of the solution and now you're just another part of the problem. Still want to learn more? OK, if you fucking insist…

AIRBRUSH
Where would design be without this magical artistic instrument? Best known for those shitty desert shadows in the original Star Wars and that fun "Rasta Bart" shirt you got in Jamaica, the airbrush is practically never used anymore but leaves behind a strong design legacy: Yes covers and the hottest gas tanks and Civil War dioramas. They used to be responsible for the worst art on earth until CGI came along and forged a whole ‘nother level of barf.




BORDER LINE
In the world of layout design, this is a way to enclose an image that feels like it's falling off the edge of the page. It's also a polite way of saying that your friend's illustration of a monkey face-fucking a baby is "a little harsh."

CROPPING
Cropping is the holy grail of design. Got a shitty photo? Crop it and stand back: Gold. Try it once and we guarantee you'll be walking around doing that director-hands thing for the rest of your life.

DROP CAP
These are the large letters at the beginning of paragraphs that act like the pretty special ed teacher by saying "No, silly, start here."


ERGONOMICS
This is the basis of design for interactive things like furniture or the clapper. It works by saying "If I reach for the couch lever this way and I'm of x height, ergo…" Shit, that must be the origin of the word "ergo." I never thought about that.




FONTS
Despite what French Canadians and Afro-Americans want you to believe, less is more. Vice uses only two fonts (Hector Rounded and Trade Gothic) because they don't want the magazine to look like a fucking pizza pie. As the building blocks of design, fonts act as both a salesman and a buddy, vying for your attention but then backing the fuck off and just chilling. A good font can be slick without wearing this season's colors because it's got stature and has a big family (bold, italic, condensed, etc.). When in doubt use Helvetica.

GERMANS
Not only do the Krauts talk cool and run a lot, but having to attend a mandatory six years in der Clan Crest school means they are ALL good at design. If you need a catchy symbol for your flag, these guys have got it down.




HOOTERS
Short on ideas? Toss a couple of tits in your layout for instant wows. Combine with formulas for commercial success. Sorry, but it's that easy.




INTERNET
This is where the worst design joins forces with the untapped power of waiting. Your tax guide got you confused? Quick, jump onto our website for the same info buried under a thousand fading boxes.

JADED
This is what you will inevitably become. An endless cycle of updating software makes you into a computer geek. Combine that with Guido furiously pounding your artistic dreams into formulas and what do you got? A bitter, old, robotic nerd. You will hate yourself.


KERNING
This is the name for the spacing between two letters. If you've ever stared at a word and said "It spells my name but it doesn't look right and it's giving me a headache," this is why.



LOGO
"Let me get this straight. You're a Wichita-based pedicurist and you don't have a logo? Get with the program and call me back when you're ready for 1993, my friend." Everyone seems to think they need a logo these days. What is graffiti but teenagers converting their nicknames into logos and trying to show everyone.

MODERNISM
This is the artistic movement which provides most of the theory (and dogma) behind most design. Apparently three orange squares instead of four are worth millions of research dollars because they can increase sales of Fresca.

NEW
As in "endless pursuit of the." Fortunately, there isn't a foreseeable end to how many times the not-so-distant past can be rehashed to make this up.

OVERPRINT
This is a printing technique mostly used to make sure that when the shitty press you're printing your comic book fucks up and slips, your two colors overlap so there are no white borders around letters. Less boring uses include putting a block of red over a black and white picture for instant "I think he's the bad guy" results.



PHOTOSHOP
This is not only an essential design tool, it's a crucial media truth serum that has helped uncover both a stuffed puppet's ties to Bin Laden and the real Christina Ricci beneath those pores and short legs.





QUARKXPRESS
This is another design program, which most magazines use to do layout, and every year, it just gets worse. When people ask why we drink so much at work or "What's with the tears?" we say, "QuarkXPress." We tried to research if it was being coded in Bizarroworld but our support call got cut off while being transferred to India. We're thinking of going back to that blue ink stuff that gives you cancer.







RUSHING
Like all artsy-fartsy freelance work, the pay is irregular at best. The life of a designer is rushing to wait and then waiting to rush. The client won't get you all the proper logos until the night before and then, when you're finally finished, the main sponsor's going to drop out. You can tell him to fuck off but you need to eat so be prepared to stay up all night on the 30th to pay your rent on the 1st.

STEREOTYPES
Back before computers wrecked everything, typesetters would literally sit there placing each letter onto a press to make your page. This was fucking tiresome, so when you had something that kept coming up again and again like "knee-jerk liberals" you would already have those letters laid out and ready to go. This was called a "stereotype." They may hurt people's feelings but they're pretty handy.


TRADITION
If you studied design, you got to hear a lot about this. "Back then a business card wasn't a text box in Word—it was AN ADVENTURE. You'd get yourself some rub off lettering (fucking shit, we're out of Ys), a camera, and proper lighting to shoot the film and presto, $1,274 later you've got yourself your name on a piece of card. If you did it right the first time, you'd qualify for a loan to go color."


UNDO
"HOLY FUCK, UNDO!" In the predigital days, people instead said, "HOLY FUCK, START OVER!" or "HOLY FUCK, YOU'RE FIRED!" If you're a real designer you will find yourself automatically miming "command-Z" every time you spill a coffee or get an STD.


VAGINAS
Phallic symbols may get first year university students to froth at the Freudian mouth but it's a good design. Who wants to work in a building shaped like a vagina? Ani DiFranco might not like right angles but they work. It's called physics.







WEATHERED
After years in front of a Mac, a designer ends up looking pretty grim. Your hands are so fucked that picking your nose hurts and you have a neck like a freaky drummer. The "command Z" thing extends itself into losing your pants ("command f \—my pants") and you dream about pages that won't close.

X-AXIS
This axis always goes first. If I say it's
5 x 8 you know it's 5" wide. In fact, all you have to know is I want the image 5" wide because images are always proportional (never, ever stretch or compress an image) so once you get the x-axis right, y and z can work themselves out (the little bitches).




YUPPIES
All those fucking frosted lamps and space couches. Who gave these assholes credit cards? If someone says "Philippe Starck" again, we're torching the nearest Ikea.


ZIPPER
Truly a marvel of ergonomic design, the modern zipper was invented by about 80 guys and nobody was sure what to make of it until 1937 when it beat out buttons in Esquire magazine's "Battle of the Fly." Thousands of miles of zip are produced daily and it remains one of the few truly glorious examples of cheap, simple, and easy design that makes everyone's lives a whole lot better. Those were the days.


3EIGE AND STAFF

COMMENTS

Subject: Hey, RacerX Date: Jan 05 2005 04:16:53 PM Author: AJB here's my site: www.visia.ca I'll second the comments by the always sexy and hyper-talented LindaLovelace: Vice is more like a scrapbook than it is a magazine so it's ironic that this article is being published. Funny article though. And I still stand that there's a lot of dumb replies in this thread. Perhaps this one included. Subject: Undoes Life Date: Jan 05 2005 02:11:45 PM Author: Some guy named Pat 'If you're a real designer you will find yourself automatically miming "command-Z" every time you spill a coffee or get an STD.' Oh my fucking god dude... I DO that... well, expect for the STD part... Sometimes I even throw apples around hoping that will help :/ Subject: RacerX Date: Jan 05 2005 01:06:07 PM Author: lindalovelace http://www.blueprintmedia.ca You are entitled to your opinion as I am mine. I just find it odd that such a poorly designed magazine would have the gall to put out a piece on design. It's great to be an observer but it's better to pull off your own shit before you bestow it on others. But then again it is vice so whatever. sorry to have offended you Subject: design my flyer Date: Jan 05 2005 10:36:01 AM Author: my victoria hey art geeks! quit whining and design a flyer or something for my band. we have no money and we're not gudios who will trash your ideas. we like vaginas and pedophilia. www.myvictoria.net i'm seriosu about this. we're looking for a lighter design. anyone got one of pandas with swollen genitals? Subject: tears Date: Jan 05 2005 04:22:16 AM Author: TheFriction thanks for reminding me that wanting to kick clients repeatedly in the face is actually a natural part of freelance design work. I especially agree with the part about being a human paintbrush. So true I cried inside. Subject: Flamers really bug me Date: Jan 04 2005 11:55:44 PM Author: RacerX People like... Author: AJB there's a lot of dumb fucking people posting replies in here. and... Author: lindalovelace Try going to http://www.newstoday.com, we need more retards who think they know it all, to talk shit over there. Get a decent editorial layout together then you can try schooling the world on design. ...are a waste of time. In the real world you're probably hacks with low self esteem. You would never have the courage to confront someone in this wreckless manner. You're comfortable as you hide behind your monitor. PLEASE provide us with a link to your site to provide some validity to your caustic message. The world is pretty screwed up and your not helping by dumping your negativity on others. My guess is that neither of you will respond. Go ruffle feathers on another thread LOSERS. Subject: That comic Date: Jan 04 2005 02:12:51 PM Author: Harvey P What's with that dude's web site? He got issues, man. Subject: http://billsblog.typepad.com/ Date: Jan 04 2005 01:51:59 PM Author: Bill Very funny article! The Quark thing is always amusing to me. I don't love the program but having used it for about many years now it's super easy for me to do pretty much anything quickly. Took a little time to get to that point though. I'm ready for InDesign. Subject: germans are neat. Date: Jan 04 2005 01:58:23 PM Author: mr_flaco I like ponies myself. Subject: design speak in vice???? Date: Jan 04 2005 01:47:19 PM Author: lindalovelace Try going to http://www.newstoday.com, we need more retards who think they know it all, to talk shit over there. Get a decent editorial layout together then you can try schooling the world on design. Subject: Osiris Date: Jan 04 2005 01:21:55 PM Author: Kay Pee Osiris--should be a guy, based on Egyptian mythology, but in this case it works. Osiris was the son of Geb and Nut, which proved appropriate since his brother, Set, killed him by sticking him in a coffin which he threw in the Nile. His wife, Isis, looked for his body, found it, and pieced it together--except for the genitals which were eaten by fish. So, Osiris Ortega is dickless. Anti-Quark toons ROOL! Subject: This thread is nuts! Date: Jan 02 2005 01:04:38 PM Author: Race Bannon I've been in the design business for about 15 years and if you look closely we all have the same issues. If you support Adobe, Macromedia, or Quark you'll admit they're all clunky. As the designer, unfortunately way too much technical knowledge is required. You all remember the first time you had to figure out a clipping path and then re-learn it in another application for a different client. And Typefaces!!! Why does it all need to be so complicated? I think a major problem is that from the beginning software companies never actually talked to practicing creatives to model the software after what they would actually like. I could be right, or maybe I've been huffing too much spray mount. -cheers out! Subject: the respondants Date: Jan 02 2005 10:15:43 PM Author: AJB there's a lot of dumb fucking people posting replies in here. Subject: i dunno Date: Jan 02 2005 03:19:45 PM Author: Osiris Ortega that guys comic was shit, dont bother. Subject: Date: Jan 02 2005 01:07:31 PM Author: sve one day "designers" will catch on, and learn that MS Paint is THE FUTURE. good article! Subject: yeah. Date: Jan 02 2005 12:14:20 PM Author: NoPattern the reason this list is pretty right on is because every dork 15 year old in an 'indie rock screamo band' gets his hands on photoshop and makes album artwork and flyers, or every kid who grew up having his parents tell him he could draw OK thought he'd make a career out of it. learn photoshop, know the filters, and get used to a DTP program. sorry, but no. you want to be a designer? put your blood, sweat, and tears into hour after hour of hard work and development of creativity and personal marketing (especially if you freelance.) good times though, right? Subject: "creative" directors Date: Jan 02 2005 12:21:29 PM Author: wwjd i go to sleep thinking about shoving a red hot poker into the eyes of my so called creative director. Next time that motherfucker says "look it. i've been doing this for over 30 years" i'm going to punch him so hard in the throat that his dead relatives will cut a farts in their coffins, you old has-been hack wouldn't know good design if was sucking your gay dick motherfucker. Subject: d is for dick Date: Jan 02 2005 07:49:26 AM Author: bob hope listen up bitches. d should be for dick and not this whack drop cap shit. cos what's the point of living if y'all dont have a dick? holla. Subject: go to a state school Date: Jan 02 2005 01:20:48 AM Author: john to "sperm" - i go a state school who has an art and design conservatory and i have learned more than most school for half the cost... if all you got out of design school was how to design the olive oil logo you went to the wrong school and didn't research enough you dumb ass Subject: InDesign Date: Jan 01 2005 11:57:38 PM Author: r.e.e.d. one problem is that InDesign doesn't support xml, which is a huge shortcoming. Also with all the plug-ins that have been invented for Quark, it might be difficult to just disentangle yourself from the program and quit cold turkey. Also, I drink my own pee. Subject: It ain't the tools... Date: Jan 01 2005 06:47:21 PM Author: 15+ year pro Indesign, quark, pagemaker, illustrator, ps, freehand... heck even corel has the capability. All good design starts with something beyond the tools you use. That said, I personally prefer all things Adobe, ID, PS and AI, simply for the ease in workflow it provides. Some of the other programs do some other things a little better, but no full suite of tools can compare to Adobe in a professional environment. I've used all the tools, starting with Quark back before windows existed and Mac Quadra's were all the rage. It's pretty funny and acurate the way the author begins his essay. At over 15 years of professional work now I still don't drive a BMW, and drugs are no more available to me then anyone else. Perhaps that's a personal choice though, the standards that we used to measure a person's success back in the 80's is much different then the way we view it today. Personally for me, getting high and laid all the time is not a measure of success. Being able to work the hours I want and having time for friends and family, and still making enough to buy a few nice things here and there is successful enough for me. Certainly there is no argument that the design profession today seems far less glamourous then it used to be, but a good designer can still have a really great life =) Subject: yeah but Date: Jan 01 2005 04:59:33 PM Author: some joker Just out of interest, what do you lot think of quark anyway? Subject: Design... Date: Jan 01 2005 12:01:17 PM Author: Miikka Fuck all things. Windows' Paint is "The Do" in design right now. Subject: what next Date: Jan 01 2005 06:26:10 AM Author: mamuk I just compile my work in Illustrator/ Photoshop and I wish someday I will own a copy of Flash because the prices of these programs sent me broke. >>>MAC RULES Subject: if you hate quark Date: Dec 31 2004 07:08:36 PM Author: pumpie (and don't we all) you will love this comic (cut-n-paste the link, not sure how to "code" this mutha) http://www.markmartin.net/come/benb2.html Subject: you tossers Date: Dec 31 2004 05:23:47 PM Author: another fuckin designer Yeah the funniest and most ironic thing I've read in Vice for a while was the cover saying "The Design Issue" It's almost like hearing Jay Leno talk about how to be funny. Subject: FUCK A QUARK Date: Dec 31 2004 05:17:14 PM Author: The Almighty One QUARK EXPRESS IS THEE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT PROGRAM EVER CREATED. SHIT COST $799 AND THERE STILL AINT EVEN A MULTIPLE UNDO!!! FUCK QUARK WIF A STEAK KNIFE NIGGA Subject: 'sup Date: Dec 31 2004 12:16:46 PM Author: dirtbag ya, fuck white headphones! Subject: sperm Date: Dec 31 2004 10:45:31 AM Author: self-mutilator design school was a huge dick up the ass. I'm in the fuck-hole 40k after spending 4 years learning i should never set anything in Arial or caslon, and how to design an olive oil label that the white headphones set will dig. how can these schools get away charging so much to teach such bullshit? Yeah, i'm bitter. I'm gonna do everyone a favor and sit in the bathtub with a plastic bag over my head. Fuck you. Subject: i like design....do you like design? Date: Dec 31 2004 10:54:35 AM Author: ballen ....this is fun....everyone here is angry and has opinions...! Subject: Poo you all Date: Dec 31 2004 07:03:40 AM Author: Poo You guys are so lame, swearing, ranting and farting all the time and all you think about is sex! Get better at design and do your jobs properly - sort your lives out you fools. Get a life! Subject: Zipper Date: Dec 31 2004 03:26:59 AM Author: Stanley I remember some bullshit 10 page magazine that Adobe used to produce that told you how to do wonderful, amazing things using Freehand. In one issue they featured a fake logo that looked like that zipper. They praised the designer who created it (specifically for the piece) and said "there's no substitute for good ol' imagination." I am so glad I don't work in design anymore. Subject: design does suck Date: Dec 31 2004 01:23:43 AM Author: kill fuck all idealistic students. Graphic designers are all the kids that smealt like laudry detergent growing up. It is cool though, you can make $50 /hr working at home, and then after lunch get high and lick your girls pussy... wait, am I VICE enough? Subject: that duesch bag up top of the comments Date: Dec 30 2004 11:45:46 PM Author: doesn't really matter look. i don't really care if you have quark or indesign. i'm a student, i got stolen versions of all the new crap. but any toolbox cranking out a "whole production" in a day or whatever isn't cranking out anything i'm gonna wanna to look at without laughing or then crumbling up and throwing in the trash. basically what yer tellin us is "i make crap in a day with quark. you suck." you must be a harvard debate champ. chump. anti-quark whatever...who cares, yer a tool. peas out cats Subject: quark still sux Date: Dec 30 2004 08:36:25 PM Author: another design monkey Funny, v6 on OSx still sucks ass for me, just not as bad as the last version. Laugh it up, oldschooler, you'll be like all those heavy pro's that swore by Amiga back in the early 90's, just watch. InDesign is so much easier to use, better integrated with standard design tools, and less crashomatic, that the only reason I can see that anyone uses Quark is because a few prepress fuckers haven't upgraded yet. Subject: anti-quark bitches Date: Dec 30 2004 06:59:31 PM Author: brian s ha ha ha, so use adobe, suckers. meanwhile, when you want a job quark'll still be 'it', so get a new line of work if you can't deal. Quark has a bad rep cuz nobody upgrades, i worked for newspaper in Boca, they were runnin' 4.0.1 on os9, me? i was runnin' 5.0.1 in X, them: crashes alla time. Me? turned my 60-hr work week into 8, hah, same cash, way less work. thy ended up letting me be the entire production dep't and I still beat the shit in one-day-a week...Next time hire a pro, lamers. Subject: THIS IS FUCKING PERFECT Date: Dec 30 2004 02:27:33 PM Author: Too Tall Jahmal You have described my life with completeness. I find myself skimming through the paper looking for jobs that involve lifting rocks. I dont care how shitty the pay is... I need to install a whole new OS in my brain. FUCK design. Subject: its just so true! Date: Dec 30 2004 02:03:36 PM Author: bola yes! they are right! design is for crazy masokistiks! lets hoppe one day all this ends! Subject: quarkxpatriot Date: Dec 30 2004 01:53:32 PM Author: alana post like practically everyone else i hate quarkxpress. i hate it so much that after about six months of typesetting i left my job and went straight to quebec, where i'd been informed quarkxpress was not used because it could not be pronounced. i hope the next version has a built in suicide template )': Subject: um Date: Dec 30 2004 09:03:01 AM Author: jaek Some of you folks need to step away from the coffee pot. :D Subject: SCRIBUS SUCKS Date: Dec 30 2004 12:27:05 AM Author: 3507321C LINUX IS HARD AS FUCK TO LEARN...........C'MON!!! Subject: a check list for you whiney bastards Date: Dec 29 2004 10:48:31 PM Author: jason 1) check out scribus www . scribus . org . uk 2) stop whining. Subject: quark sux ok Date: Dec 29 2004 07:39:03 PM Author: another design monkey sure Quark crashes more than dc-10s in the 80's but WTF put it on auto save already. The most important thing this article missed is having to photoshop all your product shots because development were too fucked to get them done on time to go to the photographer because the boss is a total moneygrubbing cunt distracting them with irrelevant projects until a week before deadline. Yeah, I can make a 3-panel baseball cap with 3d die cut felt logo placement and 3D embroidery, soutache piping, a split peak, and a silkscreen treatment from a picture of your little brother's jackoff sock, no problem. I'll just stay here in front of the computer until 3 in the morning while you go on a ski vacation, asshole. Subject: cool Date: Dec 29 2004 12:29:28 PM Author: idiotface If I have to read one more article from some 23 year-old that's waxing nostalgic about the 60's I'm gonna pee on his mom. I'm serious! Remember when Suicidal Tendencies came out? Of course you don't;you were 1. Subject: i wonder Date: Dec 29 2004 10:05:34 AM Author: flugelhorn what magazine design would be like if they all still used pasteups and light tables and stuff. i'll bet they would be better Subject: Manual Date: Dec 29 2004 09:28:57 AM Author: Homeless Cop I draw by hand, so fuck ya'llz.... Subject: WOWEE Date: Dec 29 2004 04:00:52 AM Author: 3507321C IF I WANTED A FUCKING LESSON I'D GO TO SCHOOL, TF WAS THAT, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I JUST READ........................................................ .................................................I MEAN........................................C'MON ! Subject: get with it Date: Dec 28 2004 08:33:18 PM Author: bob crane fuq Quark, InDesign for the next 10 years, bitch! Top of the food chain, nigga! Subject: quark suckspress Date: Dec 28 2004 07:30:20 PM Author: eli b quark is the single shittiest program i have ever used. 47 steps to do one goddamn thing i could have done in another program in 1 is so futuristic. why do they keep coming out with new versions? you know after you do three things to your file the mac will crash and you forgot to save this time. Subject: overprint... Date: Dec 27 2004 09:59:45 PM Author: dan all very good but to be practical, "overprint" should read "trapping". If everything is set to overprint everything else all your colors are gonna be messed up.