Somewhere in the past five years New York hipsters, bull dykes, rednecks, and German country singers all became the exact same amazing person. Comments/Enlarge |
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Most girls screw up and make them too short or too straight across, but if you can get the riot grrrl retard-bangs just right it gives you a free pass on whatever look you put below it—especially 14-year-old in pajama-boxers raiding her nana’s closet in Bayonne. Comments/Enlarge |
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SKINEMA When I was in high school I wanted nothin...
SKINEMA I don't trust that my wife truly loves me...
SKINEMA As clever as I feel standing on my coffee...
SKINEMA Dear Reader, does your lifestyle require ...
Let’s try to ignore the Skechers or whatever those are and focus on the “skate-sword.” Dude, we know you don’t ride it and we’re going to assume you’ve never bludgeoned people with that giant piece of wood and steel, so what does that leave? That leaves you, sitting on the sidewalk, posing for the DON’Ts. Comments/Enlarge |
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Check out the box cover design. It's all tabloid-looking, right? I'm all about reading tabloids. I used to be into the really fucked up ones that would have the stories of Jesus appearing in a woman's vagina and aliens taking over a biker bar for their Christmas party or whatever holiday that aliens celebrate, if they even celebrate holidays. I've since grown up and moved onto the celebrity hater tabloids, which I suppose is a natural progression. When you're a kid you read science fiction and Asimov is the motherfucking man, then you get older and realize truth is stranger than fiction and you get more into autobiographical non-fiction and you're like, "No way, Motley Crue put a phone up a girl's pussy and made a call. Why didn't I think of that?" All I'm trying to do is keep it real with my tabloids. We all know Jesus isn't going to show up in a vagina because Jesus is gay. If he's going to turn up anywhere it's going to be at RuPaul's prostate exam. But Britney's mom being a total cunt and trying to fuck with Britney and dancer #12's marriage just seems very believable to me. And shit talking is fucking awesome anyway. How could I not be into magazines that are 100% totally into hating? I spend everyday, all day checking out girls' asses and telling my brain just how saggy, misshapen, awkward and wrong they are. I thought I was the master of that shit but the tabloids actually go out and take photos of bad celebrity asses in bikinis and enlarge them and use diagrams and arrows to point out all the cellulite and defects. That's serious dedication. I realize now that I am but a novice at making fun of people. Sure, celebrities are easy targets but what makes them so great is they actually care. Let's say you came up to me and said, "Nieratko, you're a fat fuck. You have a big nose and bigger ears." I'd say, "No shit, Sherlock. Do you have a master's degree in stating the obvious from Peckerhead University?" Say the exact same thing to a fragile actress and I bet they'd be on the phone with their plastic surgeon within minutes. I wish I had that kind of superpower. I wish all the too fat, too skinny, too short, too Jew-y, too white people of this world could hear my thoughts and take them to heart and decide to make the world an easier place to live in by recycling their ugly. I also wish that Cameron Diaz would break up with Justin because I don't like either of them at all and the two of them together makes me queasy. I would also like to see 50 Cent hook up with Janet Jackson because I can't remember there ever being a couple where both the man and the woman had ridiculously large breast implants.
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Subject: levitra Date: Sep 05 2007 08:44:17 PM Author: John
Subject: fuk Date: Mar 29 2006 02:48:35 PM Author: ha ha
too juw-y? funny
Subject: nice Date: Feb 05 2005 07:19:50 AM Author: isak
I'm touching myself. And i like it
Subject: I laughed. Date: Jan 16 2005 01:02:01 PM Author: L.
I laughed today, Chris Nieratko, I laughed.
Subject: 3507321C Date: Jan 16 2005 10:36:48 AM Author: Philpot
Arthur, is that you?
Subject: more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Date: Jan 06 2005 09:36:10 AM Author: V...dizzle
1 this month ,none the next .WE want more skinnema fuck!AND DON'T EVER STOP.
Subject: Always Metro Films Date: Jan 01 2005 06:40:16 PM Author: Plastic Surgeon
Why do u only review Metro films? Red Light District is where it's at these days.
Subject: ..... Date: Dec 31 2004 01:07:17 PM Author: only in america
does 50 wear a bro or a manzeer
Subject: no Date: Dec 31 2004 02:58:48 AM Author: panawave
this is nearly always the bes atricle in the issue
Subject: porn Date: Dec 31 2004 01:33:53 AM Author: dc
What about the porn, I'll never know what the fuck is up with the jewey tabloid looking shit. Lets make it more about the porn.
Subject: ha Date: Dec 30 2004 06:15:22 PM Author: 3507321C is still a jerk
yep, ha.
Subject: Good Article (for once) Date: Dec 29 2004 12:33:28 PM Author: Homeless Cop
"It's gold Jerry, GOLD!!!!!"
Subject: phone calls Date: Dec 29 2004 07:44:33 AM Author: colin
did they use the phone inside the womans poonch to make a phone call, or did they call that phone from another phone? wouldnt it be better to use a mobile phone as then it would vibrate a bunch..? plus you could put it on speakerphone when you answer it so your fingers dont get all spangy.
and only one video review? asides from viz comic i dont get to read much so that's effectively a third of my toilet literature fizzled away.
Subject: MEH Date: Dec 29 2004 05:47:02 AM Author: 3507321C
JEW-Y IS MY NEW FAVOURITE WORD, AS IN "I THINK THE MEDIA IS WAY TOO JEW-Y".
i notice that there are always guys posting at this column about how it's the best thing in every issue. i think this nieratko guy is sending in ringers. because it is usually fucking good, but never the best thing in the mag. never ever
Subject: 50 cent has breast implants? Date: Dec 28 2004 03:30:32 AM Author: frank drebin
word?
Subject: this is Date: Dec 27 2004 08:11:49 PM Author: once again
Outrageous