If this single mom wants to make to make it clear she doesn't have sexy writing on her ass because she's been dicked over so many times she's over dicks, we don't care. Comments/Enlarge |
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This guy has all the ingredients of a Dennis Pennis version of The Stooges’ manager but I don’t know. There’s something about his bone structure that just makes him look like Pierce Brosnan with a mohawk. Comments/Enlarge |
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Other girls hate when you date girls like this because it makes you look like a pedophile but as Marc Maron says, “Of course we want to fuck 14 year-old girls. That’s why there’s a law!” Comments/Enlarge |
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GAMES
Mortal Kombat: Deception, Kill Zone
Mortal Kombat: Deception
Kill Zone
Mortal Kombat: Deception
Publisher: Midway Games
Platform: PS2
Genre: Fighting
Fuck PC-quality graphics and the “taste and smell” extension that X-Box are secretly developing for their release of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas because the best new innovations that video game companies are designing are the ones that eliminate any chance whatsoever that the player of the game is unreasonably distracted from the action for more than a nanosecond.
Ninety percent of gamers are men and a lot of men these days have girlfriends and wives. The companies realise that making exclusively men-only games that women think are childish and boring is cutting out a potential 50 percent of the market. As a way of combatting this problem they’re making games with built-in “girlfriend pacifiers”.
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas has the “girlfriend” side-missions where you wine and dine your girl until she consents to be plugged by your character with the double-edged purple dildo. There’s also the two-person mission mode that the girlfriend missions unlock so you can let her join in the game with you for a while, so she can fuck with your progress on the best game ever made which I am still playing every day of my life. I’m even getting back into Helmet because they’re on the soundtrack. I mean, up until Betty, they didn’t put a foot wrong, but then, as the guy in A Mighty Wind says, “Wha happened?”.
Back to the main point, the new Mortal Kombat game has the ULTIMATE girlfriend pacifier device ever invented in the whole world. Why? There is a fucking TETRIS option, where your Mortal Kombat warriors duke it out over a game of stacking coloured blocks. This is a stroke of such GENIUS by Midway Games that it’s hard to believe nobody has ever done it before. It’s something to do with oestrogen and how it relates to unicorns and moon cycles, but Tetris is the only game in the world that girls genuinely like to play, so my relationship has actually been totally saved from imminent destruction.
This is easily the funnest Mortal Kombat game they ever made. All the gore with the blood spurts that look like red ping pong balls is still totally over the top, but this time there’s more glee in the killings than before. In the past, no matter how imaginative the “finish him” scenes in MK were, they always seemed perfunctory. Like, in a “OK hang on…wait a second…just going to pull the spine out the back of his…grunt…back…OK there you go, spine removed” kind of way. This time you kick your opponent into this amazing waffle iron that burns them to a crisp of carbon crumbles. There’s a chess option that I can’t figure out how to play yet but the gameplay is all super fun and twice as good as the last one they put out.
Kill Zone
Developer: Guerrilla Games
Platform. PS2, Xbox
Genre: Shooter
In this first person shooter, you go round with some soldiers fighting these half-human aliens dressed like Nazis. They hired a big orchestra from Prague to do the soundtrack. Um, the graphics are really good and the sounds of the guns are really realistic. Yes, even though this is set in the future where some weird alien takeover of the world is going on, I thoroughly enjoyed playing this exciting game. It’s like a darker version of Medal Of Honor and the people who buy this don’t have girlfriends anyway so that’s why they left out the “girlfriend pacifier” thing that Mortal Kombat has.
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Subject: kaiser permanente Date: Jan 24 2008 08:09:28 PM Author: Willi
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It?s like your batteries get low, and you need to charge them on someone else?s story.
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Subject: Cole Date: Dec 30 2007 08:00:05 PM Author: Cole
Now I stay in and see how many times I can wank it until spunkleberry doesn't come out anymore.
Four is what I'm currently trying to beat.
Subject: macaulay culkin
macaulay culkin Date: Feb 08 2005 02:50:22 PM Author: Get Out!
Author: macaulay culkin
hey i got back into ROD STEWART before SAN ANDREAS came out when I found YOUNG TURKS for 1 pound 50, then SAN ANDREAS came out and i was all like "hey i got back into ROD STEWART before this shit came out" and shit
Dude, please go outside and run about, will you?
Subject: wtf Date: Feb 05 2005 11:05:26 AM Author: FaceDiaper
so these are not the nineties? i thought today was may something 98 or something you know? kurt still alive? fuck you all. youre worthless. get a job at biss in munich, bavaria. thats where you fit in. retards.
Subject: san andreas pt. II Date: Jan 20 2005 04:15:36 PM Author: macaulay culkin
hey i got back into ROD STEWART before SAN ANDREAS came out when I found YOUNG TURKS for 1 pound 50, then SAN ANDREAS came out and i was all like "hey i got back into ROD STEWART before this shit came out" and shit
Subject: san andreas Date: Jan 11 2005 08:44:29 AM Author: SWooSHy
hey i got back into HELMET before SAN ANDREAS came out when i found MEANTIME for 3 quid, then SAN ANDREAS came out and i was all like "hey i got back into HELMET before this shit came out" and shit
Subject: cool Date: Dec 30 2004 12:23:34 PM Author: rob flynn
Mortal Kombat: Deception 
Kill Zone