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Um, why are we at war with these people again? They look like slightly Paki versions of early Cher but with a Pee-wee Herman personality and a goddamn motherfucking Steve Perry scarf! Do we really want to spend $271,185,182,018 blowing this bitch up?

(Note: That number went up $14,322,783,131 since we went to press.)
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Tits at the gay pride parade are a dicey proposition because you want to soak them up with your eyes but you also can’t be sure if they were just stitched on by a surgeon last week, right after she had her dick chopped off. Comments/Enlarge | See all







THE APPALACHIA ISSUE
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A Designer's Paradise
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JON CARAMANICA
KISS MY WHITE TECHNO ASS
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Listen, Columbo. You're mad because your ...

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The train to Pixieland is always late (dewdrops on the line) but at the station you get free copies of the Twinkle Gazette and the girls are made out of snowflakes.Comments/Enlarge | See all




This shirt was handmade by Bun-B (Pimp C's partner himself). It belongs to the author. Photo by Tim Barber

FREE PIMP C!

The Benefits of a Well-Designed Life



Pimp C is half of UGK, and he's one of the coldest Southern rapper/producers never to get his due. Though UGK had a couple of breakthrough moments—guesting on Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'" and Three 6 Mafia's "Sippin' On Some Syrup"—they're still a connoisseur's choice that few truly appreciate. Until they really break, Bun B (the Busta Rhymes of the day), will keep UGK alive by guesting on virtually every major upcoming hip-hop release—Beanie Sigel, Lil Jon, and so on. While he's doing this, Pimp C will try to finish his eight-year bid for a parole violation. Pimp wrote in to tell us what it's like on lock on Dubya's turf.

Jon Caramanica

I'm on a 2,500 man transfer unit in San Antonio right now, and it ain't much movement. I'm in gen-pop on a 232-man wing in a 58-man open dorm. We get one hour recreation two to three times a day outside. We eat chow at 4:30 AM, 10:30 AM and 5:30 PM. Most of us work (for free—they pay us in what they call work time) and some go to school (I got my GED earlier in 2004). We have two one-eyed devils (TVs) on our dorm. No phones or radios. The only music I hear is on TV award shows and the shit that's playing in my head. We get one five-minute collect phone call on a speakerphone with a law right there every three months if we ain't caught no cases. We have to cut our hair short and keep our face cut bald or they don't feed us. They serve that dirty-ass swine five days a week. It ain't all good but it ain't all bad either. Don't get it twisted—we ain't all cryin' and dyin' around this muthafucka! Trill niggahz do real thingz and we do find time to smile and ways to have as much fun as possible, feel me? But this is 21st-century slavery down here in the South and ain't nobody talking about it!

PIMP C
Pimp C's Sweet James Jones: Live From The Harris County Jail (Pimp C Family Entertainment) is out now.

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