“Holy fuck, this ice cream is good. I have been jonesing for chocolate and vanilla since yesterday and now this bitch is in my mouth, melting between my teeth like a naked little whore. Jesus, God, it’s better than taking a shit on heroin. I wish I could take my pants off right now I feel so fucking good. Uuuh. “Comments/Enlarge |
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Doesn’t this guy perfectly sum up the way you go to the second-hand store and see something and go, “I can’t believe someone gave this up,” then you wear it once or twice and you’re like, “Oh, I know now. It’s so ill-fitting it feels like it’s on sideways.” Then you put it in a big bag of second-hand clothes to sell to the second-hand stores and, like pedophilia, the cycle continues. Comments/Enlarge |
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Man, when the invisible hand of capitalism isn’t there to slap you around, things can slide pretty fucking far. Do you even wipe anymore? Comments/Enlarge |
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DOS & DON'TS
And we thought last month's "Paki Wearing a Skrewdriver Belt Buckle" was as good as it gets. Tabernak! (That's Quebecer for "fuck"). This month we've been trumped by "Black Guy With a Wattie Belt Buckle." What's next month going to be, Alicia Keys wearing an "Eatin Ain't Cheatin" belt buckle?
Hmm, I'm 50 years old with Down's and I can't talk, so I guess I'll go sit on a couch in a basement somewhere and watch TV, right?
Wrong! I'm going to sing in a rock band and dance my fucking ass off for so long people have to go, "All right, all right Bobby, I got it. Jesus."
When you rate girls from 1 to 10 on the street you're allowed to play with the personality a bit. Like, if you see a 7 go by you can pretend she has a huge record collection and can play the piano and that then makes her an 8. Of course, when you see a 9 and she has weird tattoos and boots like these, you don't have to fill in the blanks. You are looking at a motherfucking 10 and that happens about twice a year—at the most.
OK, it's hard to defend the post-parole era when he called himself Dirt McGirt after Wonder Woman told him to during his visit to Batman Island (no joke), but remember when this album came out? Man. Let's just focus on that and ignore the distinct possibility that, like Joe Strummer, John Entwistle and John Peel, he probably just couldn't handle his coke.
There's a certain kind of face (in this case an ultra Jew-y Bob Dylan face) that just kind of puts the cherry on any sundae of an ensemble you care to throw together. How could he go wrong? This guy could dress like Jimmy Fallon and still look good.
Does it get better than this? You've got a bag and a dirty slut nobody has to know about and the room is on someone else's credit card and the mini-bar is full. Even after the relentlessly loud fuck session (who cares about the neighbors—they don't even live there), there's the nude jumping on the bed and the movies and the room service. What's heaven got? Fuck heaven. Heaven's for fags.
One thing you have to understand about nerds is this is how they see all women (even dogs): horny-as-shit, 80s, hippy, new wave, super models that do backflips, will eat you alive, and get instantly bored if you're not hilarious.
However, if you are an ugly nerd with big glasses don't fret. Instead of trying to be cool, swing the pendulum the other way and go for "Crazy geek guy." You just get some stupid outfit from Value Village and jump around like an asshole. You think girls are going to be bummed out that you were too busy learning stuff to know how to dance?
There's some weird thing with socks and high heels where you just get covered in a protective coating of babe sauce and can do no wrong. She could even let one rip and we'd still have a boner.
While the rest of us are rolling out of bed and smelling what shirt to wear, some motherfuckers are out there, in the trenches, going fucking mental. They're not all serious about it (there's Hot Wheels tattoos and tuxedo shirts) but, as Minor Threat said, "At least they're fucking tryiiiiiing! What the fuck have you done?"
