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| Photo by Terry Richardson | | ASSBLASTERFrom 'Taint to Crack and Back
You know when you have those shits where there's so much bile and drugs and booze in your system from the night before that your entire anus starts to fall out of your ass and dip into the toilet like an elephant trunk? You don't? Well, you're not the partier you think you are. For those of us out there who truly know how to give 'er, taking a dump the next day is like getting raped with wet razor wire. So, why is it that after all this suffering and horror, North Americans are expected to rub fibrous paper all over our tender wounds? What fucking sadist came up with this plan? I can barely tamp and you're asking me to sandpaper my bleeding hole?
"Around the turn of the century, toilet paper was considered a step up," says Dr. Warren Smith, the inventor of the greatest thing ever made. "People were using leaves and stones back then." They were also not getting black-out drunk and doing crystal meth all night, apparently. Can you imagine rubbing a STONE on your veiny elephant trunk of an ass? You'd literally die. "Well, I didn't really invent the Biffy for hangovers," Smith interjects, "but if you're finding it useful, then by all means, enjoy."
Dr. Smith invented an affordable and easy-to-install bidet about five years ago for a handicapped patient who couldn't wipe his own ass. To make matters worse, the guy had ‘roids and needed very selective dabbing. Smith decided this was an indignity far too ignoble for any man to bear and invented a water-shooting handle thing that connects to your tank and fucking BLASTS water all over your ass. We're talking crack to ‘taint and back! The most genius thing about this design is its sheer simplicity. It just siphons the pressure from your tank and puts a valve on it that you decide to release at your own preference. Delicate ladies can enjoy a merry splashing while overweight heroin addicts can indulge in a full-on riot hose. Goodbye, toilet paper. If the entire Western World is not using these within the next five years, logic has nothing to do with consumerism and that whole "Build a better mousetrap" adage is complete horse shit. "We're getting about 1,500 orders a month and have had to open two separate manufacturing plants just to meet the demand," says Smith enthusiastically. "I'm being forced to travel all over the world since I invented this thing, and I hate traveling. I hate having to be without my Biffy." And there, my friends, is the only drawback with this incredible piece of amazingness. Once you try a Biffy, even for just a moment, you can never, ever, ever go back.
CLINTY BLACKMORE
For more info go to biffy.com. Please. We swear to fucking god it will change your life forever. Even your sex life improves.
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
Lived in Thailand for 2 years - The spray is the way to go everytime. The only problem is - do I feed it in from the back or the front? | | Anonymous, on Feb 13, 2009 wrote:
I think, that in 2009, it’s absolutely fucking primitive that 90% of the western world still only clean their shithole with dry paper. In 100 years time people will be wondering what kind of squalor we were living in. | |
| exitement, on Jan 1, 2009 wrote:
i have to say, these things are incredible. i lived with one for three months and returning to paper has been awful. | | Anonymous, on Dec 30, 2008 wrote:
We just use baby wipes. It’s the best.
-PB | | Anonymous, on Sep 1, 2008 wrote:
Although a novel idea for the Anglo-American domestic apparatus, the concept of said "Biffy" is not entirely inventive. Throughout South America, namely Brazil, creating a Chimera of the Kenmore kitchen sink dish washing hose and the standard Western toilet has yielded the brave squadron leader in the Contra War against the wrath of many a wretched third-world ass. As this article points out, the design and function of this Biffy is entirely relevant to its economic success (Facility) and its growth in Western hygiene (Utility). It’s somewhere between being too crude of a poker-playing prick American to use a bidet and not wanting to ruin your €300 Milano trunk briefs.
So next time your 8 AM includes the best churrascaria in Leblon leading to tip-toeing through coke, panties, shitty bud, puddles of cachaça and tons of neat square coarse bush resting on fleshy islands floating on continents of smooth tan sex in your condo overlooking Ipanema- just glance at that white hose sitting in its holster to the right of the porcelain throne and be glad you finally got a pistol that’ll clean up da mess. | | Anonymous, on Jul 3, 2008 wrote:
house day go home key yes black key right trust german | | Anonymous, on Jul 3, 2008 wrote:
tom joke stay yahoo | | |
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