I hate doctors.

When I first got diagnosed with breast cancer, I immediately went on the internet. I was not going to be passive like my mother was when she got breast cancer; she just threw up her hands and said, "Do whatever you need to do." I want to know what they're doing to me, why they're doing it, and how I'm going to benefit from it. If something's potentially going to kill me, I think I need to know it. When I walked in the first day to meet with the oncologist, I had a list of chemo I was willing to do and chemo I wasn't willing to do. I stunned that doctor so badly, she sat there with her mouth hanging open. I wish I had a photograph of this woman. I told her, "When it comes to my body I want to know what's going in it, because I know some of this chemo can have some horrible side effects." I told her what protocols I was willing to do, and she said that she had never, ever met anyone like me in her entire life, and I totally threw her off. She was like, "I've got a patient who's more intelligent about oncology than anyone I've ever seen."

Doctors set it up so that cancer patients don't know what the hell is going on. This encourages patient ignorance. I run into a lot of people with cancer who just don't want to know anything. All they want to know is, "Am I going to live or am I going to die?" Not exactly a healthy attitude to take. I was told three years ago I wouldn't be alive in three months, and I'm still here, and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm obnoxious. Even my grandmother, who died last year at 106 and had breast cancer several times, pulled me aside in West Virginia and said, "You know how I know you're going to have a long life? Cuz you're just as big a pain in the ass as I am." She said, "You keep questioning those doctors, and if you're not comfortable with what they're doing, then you don't let them do it."

One of the worst things I've been through with a doctor is still going on. It's these damn breast implants. Dealing with these things has been a saga to rival the Bataan Death March.

I was a real chesty woman before I got cancer, and I hadn't taken my risk factors too seriously. I mean, I think everybody gets into this mindset of "It won't happen to me," and because I don't smoke and I don't drink, I always figured I was home free. Bad attitude to take.

It all started on a flight from Chicago to Dallas. I was working for a major software company as a presales consultant, and I had to do a lot of flying. And I was noticing that I was getting more and more fatigued as time went on, and I had this strange pain in my shoulder. And I thought, "It's gotta be from hauling this laptop around." So I was in an aisle seat, and as we were getting up to get off the plane, this guy popped open the overhead bin and his laptop fell out and hit me in the chest. I felt something when it hit, and I said, "That didn't feel right." It really hurt. When I got home that night, I noticed that the pain was coming from the outer left quadrant of my breast, and I knew that that was not a good location. Typically cancer starts in the outer quadrants of a breast, and that's where it started in my mom. I got in the shower to check myself out, because I thought, "Well, I need to self-examine because I haven't done this in a while." And I found a lump in there that was just about the size of a baseball. I was like, "Holy cow." I was a big Titanic junkie at that time—I saw it about 50 times in Houston. I think I hold the record for having gone the most times. Immediately upon finding that lump, I flashed on the Titanic sinking, and I said, "Oh my god, my boob's the Titanic. I'm in dire trouble."

Long story short, I ended up having a double mastectomy. After that's done, you get implants. In certain women, like myself, they have to stretch your skin out for you to be able to handle an implant. The skin- stretching is very reminiscent of what they did to the Jews in the Holocaust, where they made human lampshades. It's an extremely painful process.

After they've taken off your boobs, they sew what they call an "expander" into your chest. It's kind of like an implant except it's empty, and they gradually put saline in it. They inject it into a catheter that's in the implant. You have to go back every week, and they inject you with more saline to get your skin to stretch out. So you're going through this process where they're making your skin feel like it's ripping and pulling, and you have to go through that for six months. That's how long it took me.

Then they remove the expanders and put in the permanent implants. I wanted to be a B-cup and, in total arrogance, my plastic surgeon said, "Oh no, you'd look better as a C-cup." I had been a D before, and I didn't want to be huge again. I'd gone through the huge boobs and the sore back and neck, so I told him no. I said, "I don't want to be a C-cup." Well, guess what? When I woke up from surgery, I was a C-cup. He blatantly disobeyed my wishes. And now, a few years on, I've got an infection under the implants and the whole thing is about to start again!

This is the problem I have with most doctors. I think that, as patients, we know our bodies better than our doctors do, but doctors don't see it that way. They've gone to school, so they're the holy people. We're just ignorant little pissants.

TONI R.
Toni has advanced breast cancer, and she also runs the amazing website bluelips.com, where she sells graphic autopsy videos, the butt plugs they put in corpses when they travel to prevent "anal leakage," and a million other gross and fascinating things. This is the first installment of her new column for Vice.

COMMENTS

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Subject: Oh Fuck Date: Feb 03 2005 07:43:25 AM Author: Puc I hate people who laboriously describe other people's points as "valid", and then go on to describe the things they Think Tend or have a Tendency to GAAAAAAAAA Fuck it makes me angry. Just take your head out of your ass and and and then put back in again and hide in a cupboard. 4 Evah! Subject: CHRONIC ILLNESS Date: Jan 10 2005 08:06:39 PM Author: FBY DOCTORS DO NOT DO THE JOB,ANYMORE AND FOR QUITE SOME TIME.THERE SEEMS TO BE A CALLOUS DISREGARD TOWARDS ANY COMPLICATION THAT REQUIRES TIME.MY DOCTOR TODAY IS AWARE THAT I CANNOT KEEP MY MEDICATION DOWN FOR 3 DAYS AND WILL NOT CALL WITH A SOLUTION.WHAT DOES IT MATTER TO HIM.THEIR'S NO RECOURSE,HE'S ALREADY BEEN PAID. Subject: Interesting Date: Dec 18 2004 04:36:17 PM Author: Igan Very interesting article. I do think that it is a good thing for patients to educate themselves, it can really help out in the long run. I mean seriously, who here has researched something that they'd like to buy (like a car) and made a decision based on what you liked? See? On the flip side of this an uncle of mine, who was a doctor, got cancer and he even researched the hell out of chemo and how to handle it and everything. He managed to put in in remission once, but in the end cancer came back and still got him. Can't win all the battles eh? Oh yeah hospitals suck too. Subject: Dr Koop why are you attacking me? Date: Dec 11 2004 11:26:12 PM Author: I'm the one who wrote the article If you don't like my work don't read it, but I don't have to put up with your insulting comments. The editors of Vice made their own changes to this article so that it would fit the Vice audience. And Dr.Koop you clearly infer that you are a hot number so let me see how hot you look after cancer o.k.? Subject: .. Date: Dec 09 2004 05:36:36 AM Author: anders frisk yeah, fuck doctors - researching the internet is going to make you healthy. Subject: that photo Date: Dec 08 2004 10:24:23 PM Author: dr. koop ok, so you were "chesty" before, but were you ever attractive? Subject: Laura said it well Date: Dec 08 2004 08:27:29 PM Author: doctor in training It's not surprising that you are angry. However, it's really sad to see that you generalize this hate to doctors. You're not being fair to the good docs. You're pissed off that you doctor was stunned that you knew so much about your situation?? Seriously, do you think she's used to people actually taking control of their lives with the same gusto that you have? Most people, obviously not ALL people, can't or won't try understand what their treatment options are. How many times do you think a patient comes in to the office and just wants a pill to make it better. They don't give a shit about why they feel bad. Though it's true that you may know your body better than the next person, the point is that doctors go to school to become specialists in the human body at it's best and it's worst. They are trying to use that knowledge and experience to HELP you, not make you feel like an "ignorant little pissant." The patient-doctor relationship is a dynamic. There are bad apples in every bushel. If you don't like your doctor, find one you do. Subject: Generalizations is dangerous territory Date: Dec 07 2004 03:02:32 PM Author: laura I think the article had some valid points. More patients should be educated, on their own terms, about available treatments and procedures. However, being someone with close family ties to the medical community (from a surgeon to a GP to a Radiologist)I couldn't help but feel that some of the comments just seemed unfair. One thing they can't teach in Med school is a decent bed side manner, that comes with experience and the doctors own personality. I would like to think that few doctors see patients as dollar signs. Their profession isn't set up to hurt the public, it's their to help them. They see these people coming to them in times of need and it wears on them, I've seen it. You try doing all you can for another human being, to sustain their life and happiness, only to have to tell them that even though they just went through a horribly painful surgery, there's still very little that can be done. Life hands you some shit deals, but don't point fingers at those who try and fix them for us. Subject: the obvious Date: Dec 07 2004 08:06:45 AM Author: Master of the Obvious Cancer does not discriminate. Subject: the hippopotamous oath Date: Dec 07 2004 07:59:09 AM Author: The guy who found the fish Yeah doctors save lives. What do you do? Uh, I`m assistant provisional executive sales managing consultant in charge of regionalisation of bunk and trundle beds in the south west. And I make customised bicycle seats for dolphins. What do you do? I STOP PEOPLE FROM DYING, ITS LIKE MY PURPOSE IN LIFE.Its up their with teaching and law enforcement as a thankless puke soaked ignorance beset job. Subject: To Happy To Be Alive Date: Dec 03 2004 03:52:28 AM Author: Another Cancer Chick Well we can agree to disagree, but you have not had my experience with doctors. Some are quite compassionate and caring,others are total jerks. I think we can agree to disagree, but you have your opinion,please respect mine. Just like there are good doctors there are also some real jerks, this happens in any industry. And I'm happy that you have had such great treatment, unfortunately where I come from it is a cattle call. Subject: happy to be alive Date: Dec 03 2004 12:36:43 AM Author: Schilly I don't agree with much of what you have to say, as a cancer patient right now myself two rounds of chemo from finishing treatment I have to owe a tremendous gratitude to the proficency of the doctors I've dealt with. Whenever questions arise on my behalf, they are answered and I also look elsewhere to educate myself about the process of enduring cancer treatment. I'm open to speak about this further if you'd like...nschil@hotmail.com Subject: This is to angry people with problems Date: Dec 01 2004 03:54:56 AM Author: Another Chick With Cancer I think you've jumped the gun a bit because I can relate to the issues brought up in this column. We are treated like cattle in most instances and most doctors do think they are Gods! This doesn't mean all doctors are bad, but in every industry or profession you have some bad apples. There are many oncologists out there who see a cancer patient and you can see the $$$$$ in their eyes. I think the column makes some really good points and I applaud the writer for having the balls to put herself out there like this. Subject: yeah Date: Nov 29 2004 06:16:25 PM Author: me again oh and another thing... are you 13? is this like, your first STANDING UP TO MEN moment? fuck you. Subject: stop talking, "feminist" Date: Nov 29 2004 06:10:32 PM Author: awesomer than this chick this is to that "feminist" idiot who was attacking people earlier on... ...youre a jackass. way to make feminists look bad, moron. what the hell are you even talking about? are you schizophrenic? its really badass to threaten people in a fucking forum. youre pathetic. Subject: angry people with problems Date: Nov 28 2004 06:32:04 PM Author: Francis C. I see this a lot. People wind up with a bad problem (cancer, bad accident, etc) and they want to get better. When they go to the people withthe answers - doctors, and they're told that they won't have a good outcome (i.e. masectomy, limp), they get all angry at the doctor, as if it were their fault!. Displaced anger is not a useful thing. Don't get angry at the person trying to help you - channel it towards more useful things... Subject: nice Date: Nov 26 2004 12:37:25 AM Author: ronald This new column is fantastic, very adventurous. Nice work. Also: I wish Lesley Arfin would get cancer, too... Might make 'My Diary' worth reading. Subject: missing the point Date: Nov 25 2004 11:24:02 AM Author: me I never mentioned the article, you just assumed that I find it boring "'cause I'm a guy". I liked it. I just slagged your comment because of all this reverse sexist "Typical male mentality" crap. No one posted anything negative about the piece, but you thought you'd have a whine just in case. Subject: me Date: Nov 24 2004 05:50:32 PM Author: cancercrabs Of course men get cancer you dolt, but to put down an article because you find it boring because you are a guy and can't relate. Get real! You want to flame me then let's take if out of this column. And guess what smartass men can get breast cancer to, so maybe this person could teach you something like dignity and grace! Subject: CancerCrabs Date: Nov 24 2004 11:20:08 AM Author: me Umm, men get cancer too, duh. -"As a woman" sheesh. Subject: Loved article website hysterical Date: Nov 24 2004 12:41:17 AM Author: Tigger She is definitely someone I would not want to piss off and have her come after me with the plug. I loved the article and the website bluelips.com has some really cool things on it. The article was really honest, and that's hard for some people to hear. Subject: Boring? Not! Lots of insight Date: Nov 23 2004 09:54:38 PM Author: CancerCrabs I think before anyone criticizes the article as being boring you need to put yourself in her shoes. You think having cancer is easy? You think its gotta be a cakewalk? Typical male mentality. As a woman I appreciate her perspective on things and her honest insight. Don't put down the messenger just because you can't relate, it could happen to you! Subject: boring article but good point Date: Nov 23 2004 02:41:59 PM Author: White Negro Doctors do suck. Their swollen egos only get worse from getting massaged by those people who think and treat them like gods. So then they put less emphasis on justifying a diagnosis with reason rather than with "my word is bond." I swear, people, besides getting access to the Rx pad, Google can solve at least 50% of the problems that doctors will charge you 70 bucks for. Subject: yes Date: Nov 23 2004 02:15:32 PM Author: iliketortoise she is right. i went to a doctor cuz i messed up my knee. he told me the exact same thing everyone else told me "put it on ice and stay off it for a while" except his opinion was worth 75 freeekin dollars. i know this is a lame example in comparrison to hers but. doctors suck. (except when they are doing a good job saving people's lives and such) Subject: Date: Nov 07 2004 03:20:25 PM Author: