DOS & DON'TSPublished November, 2004
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| What do you do for a living? "Oh, I own a demolition company that uses the lyrics from ‘War Pigs' as its motto. We play Black Sabbath really loud and destroy buildings. What do you do?" Um, I drop to my knees and suck your dick with tears streaming down my face. |
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| Now we're talking. No more old ladies lumbering along with their broken shopping carts wondering how to save a fraction of a cent. This motherfucker climbs up the stairs like D-Day in Animal House and gets his whole shit done in about one minute. Why is everyone so fucking amazing this month? I'm starting to feel like a nude loser. |
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Read ‘em and weep: an embroidered back patch that says "Get Off My Cloud" complete with a fuck you finger that must have taken days to finish. She bought it off some crazy old stoner that did acid back when it was the size of a Lifesaver. Maybe we don't hate hippies after all. |
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| In Sweden these are considered ugly pigs with no taste. If you visit there be prepared to have your dick come tearing out your pants and wack you in the head so hard you start swinging your fists because you thought someone just punched you (which makes them laugh, which makes you ejaculate like it's raining outside). |
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"Goodbye, boring, plain, ‘scared to shine' me. I am reaching deep inside my pants and pulling out RICARDO! A blazing colorful and in your face me that is so hot you keep seeing burnt images of me when you blink like when someone surprises you with a flashbulb." |
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| Fuck the baldies. They are old. They represent everything we hate. They represent selling out, settling down, not taking chances and not being free. If you see a bald person tell him to fuck off and make sure he gets out of here. If he doesn't listen fucking pour beer on the guy and go, "Get out of here, baldie!" |
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| And if there is even a semblance of a minute millionth of a chance that you will one day go bald (it's your Grandfather on your Mother's side) then just fuckin' tattoo your whole head. You may look like a Maori Lego man but at least you're not bald. |
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When we walked by her we heard her casually humming to herself, "Say peace to cats who rock mack knowledge. Knowledgists, street astrologists. Light up the mic God, knowledge this. Fly joints that carried your points..." then, when she caught us staring she stopped rapping and said, "What?" |
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| Chicks hate this guy because he's such a pretentious fag asshole but that is precisely why he's so amazing. Check out that fucking medallion. He looks like a Nazi accountant from the future but he's actually an eccentric fashion millionaire that likes to get jizzed on. Don't try to compete. Just stand back and let him happen. |
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Dude is just chilling. He's unflappable. You could be like, "Humpty, what if nobody shows up to our party?" and he'd be all, "Don't worry about it doood." |
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