TIDBITSA Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Obsessions Issue
TIDIBITS (SPECIAL EDITION: AIRPLANE CUTLERY)
1. ANA (Japan)
Thanks to some dickweed named Allah and all his gay friends, you don't get cutlery on planes anymore. Now you just get some shitty turkey wrap that you have to eat with your hands. ANA had really nice cutlery, and you could eat hot noodles with it while you watched the plane take off and land on a big video screen. It was like going to a rich guy's house for a sleepover.
2. BRITISH AIRWAYS
As far as stabbing people goes, British Airways used to have the best knives around. You could really grip those blue-handled suckers and sink it into a pilot if you wanted to … but now you can't.
3. UNITED (America)
This one's up there with British Airways as one of the most potentially dangerous terrorist weapons. Though it doesn't have that fantastic blue handle, it's got a nice fish-scale texture that really helps the grip.
4. TURKISH
These elegantly crafted daggers were so fucking deadly you wouldn't even have to get up from your chair. You could just yell out, "I'm hijacking this plane and if anyone has a problem with that I will whip one of these deadly ninja things right into your head." And then everyone would do whatever you wanted.
5. IBERIA (Spain)
This is the soccer hooligan airline of choice, and soccer hooligans don't need weapons. All they need is a few cans of lager so they can shout chants like "When I was just a little boy / My father bought me my favorite toy / A [insert rival team] fan on a piece of string / And told me to kick his fucking head in / Fucking head in / Fucking head in / He told me to kick his fucking head in." Seriously, that's a real chant.
6. LUFTHANSA (Germany)
Lufthansa didn't have very good knives but their spoons were thick and stubby, so if you were really strong you could put the round part in your palm and use it as a blunt, skull-popping device.
7. CONTINENTAL (America)
They had pretty good knives, but Continental's spoons were so perfectly shaped they were much more dangerous. The things were like steel baseball bats with giant round plates at the end, and if a terrorist wanted to take over the plane he could just bumrush the cockpit and be like, "gong," to one guy and then, "gong," to the other guy, and they'd both be like, "zzzzzz," and then he could go, "nnnnnrrr," until the whole shit went, "pkkkkksshhhhhrashboom!"
8. SCANDINAVIAN
They never had knives because it was always cold sandwiches and stuff, but their spoons were so beautiful they made you want to go to design school. You'd just be sitting there looking at the mountains and sipping tea with your rye bread. Those were the days.
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We keep losing the names and addresses of the people who send us these, so stick the info to the back of the Tidbit or something.
Anonymous, on Nov 7, 2009 wrote:
Hm-m-m, such a nice magazine were all the shit from over the world placed. Keep on | | Anonymous, on Jun 9, 2009 wrote:
golliwog candies!
if packaging in the us was that awesome, we’d have just about everything we need. | | Anonymous, on May 25, 2009 wrote:
sit on my face | | Anonymous, on May 6, 2009 wrote:
Tims makes the *best* Salt & Vinegar chips--and its amazing with Cabernet ;) | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Correction asshole: MUSICIANS benefit humanity. The industry benefits nobody but the industry. | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Fuck you Vice for promoting music theft and fuck snot-nosed whiny babies with an entitlement complex who cant shell out fucking 0.99 for a song you can play for the rest of your life and don’t care if they’re comlpetely destroying an industry that benefits humanity immeasurably. Cunts. | | crimewave, on Feb 8, 2009 wrote:
i recognized those xanax from a thumbnail. fuck. yeah. | | Anonymous, on Feb 5, 2009 wrote:
aw i love this | | Anonymous, on Feb 2, 2009 wrote:
i drove past sambo’s in santa barbara in april 2000 and everyone in the car had exactly the same reaction. the fact that there was a storm coming, so it looked like a ghost town just added to the "did we just drive back to the forties?" feeling. | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
nacism? | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
Don’t you know SHIT is the shit? | | Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
POT
"Me and my girl rolled about three joints before watching The Ring and oh my god did we ever get scared. bollocks !!!
smoke 3 joints and walk around glasgow | | Anonymous, on Nov 28, 2008 wrote:
bag hutch | | Anonymous, on Oct 31, 2008 wrote:
sink ma teef innit
| | Tiago, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
The eyedrops are not american | | Anonymous, on Sep 5, 2008 wrote:
That is not a "cheap slingshot" in the rattlesnake egg envelope. Spin the plastic or metal ring that is suspended by the two rubber bands and put it back in the envelope like that.. then, when someone opens the envelope it makes a loud noise (as the rubber bands unravel, spinning the button against the paper)and they yell and then everyone laughs. say duh, you cheap thief. | | Anonymous, on Jul 13, 2008 wrote:
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 11, 2008 wrote:
Edgy stuff!!!!!!!!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 3, 2008 wrote:
I’ve been enjoying hot spotted cock for years. | | Anonymous, on Jun 22, 2008 wrote:
BOUDREAUX’S BUTT PASTE haha I saw that at work the other day and the bagger and I couldn’t stop laughing!
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