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Can you imagine what it feels like to go from the James Dean of Shanxi Province to the laughingstock of Dolores Park in the space of a single plane ride? It's like realizing the whole room knows you're stoned, only instead of six or seven people you thought were your friends, it's an entire culture. Comments/Enlarge | See all






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LET IT OUT

Barfers are the New Romans

Photo by Peter Sutherland


Used to be the only people obsessed with barfing were "fat" Canadian white girls with nothing better to do than worry their parents. Then we came along. We are the Barfers and we barf way more than any teenage girl could ever dream of. Why, just last night I was removed from a bar called Barrymore's for heaving about four things of Cup-a-Soup into the nearest stall. "But I got it all in the bowl," I insisted. "I mean, people have shits in toilets, and you're mad about a little puke? It's just waste coming out of a different orifice. What do you do to people with explosive diarrhea—kill them?" The bouncers weren't having it. So I left like the dignified vomiter that I am. Sober and composed and free of the extra toxins that were sure to hangover into the next day like an AIDS patient on bad acid with a blanket of misery and evil voices of pain and terror zipping through the suffering like little red razors covered in cancer.

And such is the plight of the Barfer. People don't understand our level of hedonism. We barf because we overdid it and intend to continue overdoing it well into tomorrow. We are the new Romans. It goes like this: If you start drinking at three o'clock, you're going to be pretty out there by midnight. Throw in some painkillers, coke, and pot and you're basically a giant red baby who can't speak Russian. Then a friend will bring 'round another tray of Alabama Slammers. What are you going to do, say no? No. What you're going to do is accept everyone's offers, buy your round back, and then go to the bathroom to let it all out. It's called purging and it's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it's a clear sign that we have reached a level of affluence not seen since Caesar. Do you think those towel heads in Iraq get to eat and drink so much they need to puke out the extra bits? They don't even have the resources to whack off. This is our time, people, so don't stop livin' in the red. Don't refuse anything you're fed. Just take it all in. Return the favor and then let it all out. Lemme hear you say "rooooohaaaaaahhwaaarcchh!"

CHRIS PRINCE

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Comments

Anonymous, on May 28, 2009 wrote:
i barf more than you do.

speaking of fat canadian white girls, i got stuck in a birthday massacre pit in between about 50 of them, got heat exhaustion (those girls were giving off heat like the sun, must be the fat, i dunno) so i ended up guzzling a bottle of water really fast, not a good idea when over heated, barfed it all up, along with the six pack of old milwaukee ice and kentucky friend chick i’d been eating just hours before. i think the lead singer from julien-k dressed up as a security guard and laughed at me while i dry heaved in the garbage can, he felt justified in this because of the miscomunicated middle finger i gave him for gyrating in his leather daddy outfit, i was not amused.
Anonymous, on Jul 21, 2008 wrote:
minor sun we watch
Anonymous, on Jul 21, 2008 wrote:
steven are this we deliver home
Anonymous, on Jul 10, 2008 wrote:
wood free apple night bag

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