GAMES

Mission Impossible Stealth
Publisher: Atari
Developer: Paradigm
Platform: PS2
Genre: Stealth

Despite the excellent Manhunt being a game where you play a muscled guy in a vest who gropes other muscled guys in vests in alleyways, nobody has actually pointed out that the whole "stealth" genre may be a training tool/masturbation aid for in-the-closet homosexual men.

I'm sorry to everybody in the gaming industry and to all the homos and their friends (some of whom I am friends with—both homos and friends and gaming industry), but I've been obsessing over this concept ever since the last Tenchu. Like the nipper muscle that constricts to steal the shit-caked condom off your cock, leaving it still dangling in your boyfriend's hairy buttocks so it looks like a bum-eating amputee sea horse with white, gloopy discharge dripping out of an even bigger anus than a human's, the super-gay Manhunt was the CLINCHER for my theory. Please pardon the messy metaphor.

Here it is: stealth games are the biggest training/coercion programming for in-the-closets that the homosexual alliance has created since Morrissey. Why don't they just change the name "stealth" to "prowl" or "cruise" and be done with it?

Calm down. I'm not saying that being gay is bad or evil or weak or anything stupid like that. I love fags. They keep the population down. They are creative. They look after themselves and are well-read and articulate. They're far better than women in a lot of respects. They usually smell nice and are always good to hang out with for short periods of time. They're also good if they're the best friend of your girlfriend because they often defend your boorish masculine insensitivity (when they're not stabbing you in the back and telling her to "get over" you).

This is why I'm APPLAUDING and ADVERTISING the new Mission Impossible Stealth game (Atari) to all the in-the-closets who are causing so confusion and pain in the straight and gay communities. I'm only saying this so all OTC homos have a larger variety of inexperienced penises to choose from. I'm doing you a favour. That's the whole point of this editorial. Relax.

OK! ITCs. Here we go.

Firstly you get to play as TOM CRUISE and he looks amazing and his haircut is totally the best thing about any movie he is in and you secretly love him like all ITCs do because he is the unofficial KING OF ITC HOMOS.

Secondly, his outfit is perfectly colour-co-ordinated and all the lines and fabrics are perfectly suited to each other. No VPL anywhere.

Thirdly, the music is good times, slick, exciting techno that reminds you of when you were going crazy with all the poppers and crystal meth dabs out of flouro-pink bags and you don't want to look at girls any more because they're stupid and ugly and have nothing to say. Not like Alex. He's hilarious and you once had a dream about his penis being HUGE and really nice-feeling.

Fourthly, like every stealth game in the world, you spend hours and hours waiting in shadowy hollows, just waiting for your prey to turn his back on you so you can pinch him on the bum and go: "Hello gorgeous George. Where are you staying tonight? Fancy a bottom massage?" And then you both laugh and start tongue kissing and it feels like COMING HOME!

Stop whining about homophobia, you fucking faggots. The point is that ITC-ism is causing pain all over the world. I know this is a massive over-simplification of a thorny problem, but nobody should hate themselves for liking cock over cunt or vice versa. It's too small of a deal and there are plenty of intelligent normal people who won't even give a shit and will still be your friend. If your friend disowns you because you like men or your dad kicks you out of the house because you like girls and you're a dirty tuppence licking dyke then fuck them. They're not worth the drama, the fucking pigs. I'm speaking here to a lot of the suburban types who're about to get engaged and buy a house with a girl/boy who they secretly hate. Use this game a life-tool.

SYRUP DAVIES