IN THE MAGAZINE

TIDBITS

A Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Down & Out Issue

POUTINE MIX
The history of working class Quebec is a layer of fries, then a layer of cheese curds, then a layer of gravy, then a layer of fries, and again and again until you die. They call it poutine, and it makes your hangover go away so fast you will fart with disbelief. This gift from the gods used to be available exclusively in La Belle Provence but, thanks to the frogs at Valentine, you can now have poutine anywhere in the world. Ha! Mange ma graine, de lendemain de la veille!

KRANKY K
Mexico City is a lot of things to a lot of people. To us it’s a place where kids with no eyes come up to you every two seconds to ask if you want to buy a plastic Bart Simpson head. To 20 million people with nothing but a cardboard box to live in, Mexico City is home. No wonder their most popular candy is a caffeinated chocolate that combines an edgy high with a sugar crash and puts you in a mood so heinous you have no problem swinging your arms from side to side and screaming GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY YOU WALKING ABORTIONS!

NEGRO ODZACAR GRLA
Do you know how fucking heavy this “black licorice chimney sweeper for your throat” is? In WWII the Nazis set up a puppet regime in Croatia called the Ustashas and their job was to kill every Serb, Jew and Gypsy they saw. Today calling a Croatian an Ustasha is like calling him a nigger. Then there’s this Serbian candy that’s been around since WWII, called Negro! With a guy on it that is dressed exactly like an Ustasha. What the fuck!?

PAPAS LOLITA
Vladimir Nabokov’s classic novel about a really old man that wants to have sex with a twelve-year-old is a really good book except for the part where he wants to have sex with a twelve-year-old. Europeans, however, love that shit. They can sit there and read about her “frail honey-hued shoulders” and her “silky supple bare back” without the slightest loss of appetite. In fact, the people at Elaboración Casera in Spain find pedophilia so delicious they based a bag of chips on it. Ew.

COLLON BISCUIT ROLLS
The best thing about incessant candy eating is that your colon fills up with undigested sugar and it keeps growing until your gut is actually a tarp wrapped around a massive python of hard, black tar that’s several miles long. John Wayne, for example, died with 63 pounds of impacted feces in his colon but who got to taste it? Barely anybody. That’s why the folks at Glico invented a way of taking those miles of undigested yum and turning them into tiny cylindrical morsels of choclaty goodness.

That’s the opposite of ew.

Comments

Anonymous, on Nov 7, 2009 wrote: Hm-m-m, such a nice magazine were all the shit from over the world placed. Keep on
Anonymous, on Jun 9, 2009 wrote: golliwog candies! if packaging in the us was that awesome, we’d have just about everything we need.
Anonymous, on May 25, 2009 wrote: sit on my face
Anonymous, on May 6, 2009 wrote: Tims makes the *best* Salt & Vinegar chips--and its amazing with Cabernet ;)
Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote: Correction asshole: MUSICIANS benefit humanity. The industry benefits nobody but the industry.
Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote: Fuck you Vice for promoting music theft and fuck snot-nosed whiny babies with an entitlement complex who cant shell out fucking 0.99 for a song you can play for the rest of your life and don’t care if they’re comlpetely destroying an industry that benefits humanity immeasurably. Cunts.
	crimewave, on Feb 8, 2009 wrote: i recognized those xanax from a thumbnail. fuck. yeah.
Anonymous, on Feb 5, 2009 wrote: aw i love this
Anonymous, on Feb 2, 2009 wrote: i drove past sambo’s in santa barbara in april 2000 and everyone in the car had exactly the same reaction. the fact that there was a storm coming, so it looked like a ghost town just added to the "did we just drive back to the forties?" feeling.
Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote: nacism?
Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote: Don’t you know SHIT is the shit?
Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote: POT "Me and my girl rolled about three joints before watching The Ring and oh my god did we ever get scared. bollocks !!! smoke 3 joints and walk around glasgow
Anonymous, on Nov 28, 2008 wrote: bag hutch
Anonymous, on Oct 31, 2008 wrote: sink ma teef innit
	Tiago, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote: The eyedrops are not american
Anonymous, on Sep 5, 2008 wrote: That is not a "cheap slingshot" in the rattlesnake egg envelope. Spin the plastic or metal ring that is suspended by the two rubber bands and put it back in the envelope like that.. then, when someone opens the envelope it makes a loud noise (as the rubber bands unravel, spinning the button against the paper)and they yell and then everyone laughs. say duh, you cheap thief.
Anonymous, on Jul 13, 2008 wrote: GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
Anonymous, on Jul 11, 2008 wrote: Edgy stuff!!!!!!!!!!
Anonymous, on Jul 3, 2008 wrote: I’ve been enjoying hot spotted cock for years.
Anonymous, on Jun 22, 2008 wrote: BOUDREAUX’S BUTT PASTE haha I saw that at work the other day and the bagger and I couldn’t stop laughing!