LITERARY

Hip Hop Immortals: The Remix, Would You Like Attitude With That?, Orientalia: Sex in Asia,,

Hip Hop Immortals: The Remix
Thunder’s Mouth Press

Fucking ouch ouch ouch. You have to wonder why this was made and who would buy it. Anybody with enough money is probably too savvy. The kids who might be green enough to enjoy thumbing through it don’t have the money for it. Dude, this fucker is listed at $39.95. Save your dough and just check out XXL online or something, because there is nothing new in Hip Hop Immortals.

Wait, I think I just figured it out. The purpose of this tome’s existence was so that some graphic designer could shamelessly beat off for a few hundred pages. He just saw David Carson’s early-90s work for the first time and went fucking insane, dropping weird text boxes here and stock photos of Ice-T there. It’s called restraint, guy. Look it up.

JAMES FLUCK


Would You Like Attitude With That?
By Justin Herald
Allen & Unwin

Judging by the look of Justin Herald on the cover here, he is the official Nu Metal Australian Motivational Speaker, the Linkin Park to Tony Robbins’ Gin Blossoms. The central principle of Herald’s teachings is Attitude®, which is reflected in his line of Attitude Gear®, a bunch of T-shirts, basketballs, helmets, and other things you could probably buy for at least $20 less if they didn’t have Attitude®.

The book is useful, though, if only to remind us that we are all just a few DNA strands or lines of coke away from being pathetic enough to need it. In fact, the only time a person of normal Aptitude® would need something like the Platitudes® in Herald’s writing is when he’s coming down from a bender and having a crippling and suicidal panic attack. That is when you might be helped by having a shaved-head knob tell you that “It’s Not Whether You Get Down, It’s Whether You Get Up” and “Don’t Be Bitter, Be Better!”

TIERNEY WILLIAMS


Orientalia: Sex in Asia
Photographs by Reagan Louie
powerHouse Books

Jesus, photos of the sex trade in Asia are weird and depressing and make us fucking horny. This book is divided up by nation (Japan, China, Korea, and so on), and encompasses everything from nurse uniforms to karaoke dates to shitty blowjobs to great blowjobs. It also runs the gamut from jailbait to geriatric, and from adorable, bowl-you-over babes to pan-faced Lucky Cheng’s rejects. It takes all kinds, you know, and the ugly ones are for those of us with light wallets. Anyway, the moral of the story is: If you want to go to Asia you should stick with Japan because the hookers there are way prettier.

EDDIE LUNCHPAIL

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