It’s funny how just when you think you’ve run out of new fantasies, when there can’t possibly be any form of sexual deviance you haven’t thought of, you see a porno like Bongwater Butt Babes, (www.blackmirror.com) where women smoke marijuana out of a bong stuffed into their asshole, and you’re like, “I can’t believe I didn’t think of that.” It happened to me recently while on holiday in Hawaii with my lady, we were at a private beach, swimming about in that crystal blue water that is synonymous with Hawaii, laughing and playing with each others parts when we decided to have sex in the water. Or at least try to. I had always heard that sex in the ocean was an impossibility, but it seemed to work just fine. My girl suggested I fetch the disposable waterproof camera we’d just purchased and take some photos of ourselves doing it to prove to any nay-sayers that it is possible. I don’t know if you’ve ever used a disposable camera but if you have you know they’re shite. The flash is too bright, it blows out the photos. If you don’t use the flash, the photos are too dark and the moment is lost. So you can imagine how good a disposable waterproof camera works. No focus, no flash and the shitty camera was encased in cheap plastic (thus making it waterproof) which meant the lens had to shoot through the plastic, giving off weird reflections and glares. But we were on vacation and when on vacation you do whatever you can to return home penniless. At least I do. On this trip I was overcharged for alcohol, drugs, lodging and dining but I was getting laid so I didn’t care. When I was told the camera (that probably cost 20p to manufacture) cost the reasonable sum of £25, I said, “fair enough.”

The photos of us having sex didn’t really come out, none of them really turned out. If I was wearing a beret and had a moustache I might be inclined to call them art.

Yet something good did come of purchasing that camera. In the midst of our frolicking my gal began to think up fun little sex acts that would make the pictures more interesting. The coup de gras being when she suggested giving me a blow job underwater. Now rational thinking would tell you an underwater blow job is impossible but rational thinking would keep one from believing my girlfriend is part-Italian, part-amphibian. Sure, she had to keep coming up for air (I tried to hold her head under as long as possible, trust me) but she was able to do it to completion. Don’t believe me? Just look at the photo.

CHRIS NIERATKO